Friday, September 5, 2008

Friday Free-For-All

Elementary my dear...dammit, I told you not to trust random newspapers in Australia

I'm not taking back my cheeseburger treatise from the other day, but it does appear as though Russell Crowe's penchant for, shall we say, grease-enhanced flavor has not cost him his entire cache of cool. Turns out, at least according to Latino Review, that Crowe isn't playing Watson in the upcoming Sherlock Holmes movie (one could infer this from a statement by director Guy Ritchie who basically said, "Crowe is not playing Watson). However, Crowe may be involved in the project as "The Napoleon of Crime," one Professor James Moriarty! Now this casting makes much more sense because (A) I firmly stand behind any role in which I get to hate Russell Crowe on purpose (he's a great actor, he just reeks of douche) and (B) he's way too famous to be playing second-fiddle to a guy (Robert Downey Jr) who is only back on easy street after 6 rehab stints and some time spent inside a tin-can playing footsie with Gwenyth Paltrow. This hasn't been confirmed or anything, but since I very rarely rely on actual "facts" from "reliable sources," I'm going to go ahead and say there is absolutely no chance that this will not happen (unless someone introduces Crowe to "Lardburgers," in which case Sherlock Holmes will square off against a bed-ridden foe).

Weekend Battle Plan: If you could play "Fantasy Hollywood" like Fantasy Football, I would draft Nicholas Cage's hairpiece

That headline makes me laugh, because if you read it fast enough it sounds like "Nicholas Cage's herpes," which everyone knows is the most dangerous strain of the virus. Anyhoo, this is, unquestionably, the single worst week of film this year. The single, solitary release, Bangkok Dangerous, sees Nick's hairpiece (or herpes, whichever you find funnier) as an assassin who falls for a girl and trains some guy to also be a zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz sorry, nodded off for a minute there. It's a remake of an Asian film that you should really check out instead, if only because someone needs to send Nick a message, that message being "We forgave Next, we didn't murder you for Wicker Man, and we endured Ghost Rider, but this shit's gotta stop." Don't go see Bangkok Dangerous, if for no other reason than it sounds like a creepy sex tourist's description of his travel plans. I suppose this leaves Hamlet 2 or Traitor, which is getting really, really strong reviews, but the reality is that most people will be at home watching the kick off of the NFL season, or as I like to call it "The only weekend I have hope as a Bears fan."

That's my recommendation: Stay home and watch football. If you absolutely have to go see a movie, go to the dollar theater and see Hellboy 2 before it's out of theaters. I'm not kidding, it isn't fit for man nor beast nor fan of Meet the Fokkers out there.

On DVD: This is another blind recommendation, in that I'm recommending it based solely on Ben Coffman's review. Sure, it's a safe bet, because your other choice this week was, no joke, The Itty Bitty Titty Committee (which I will be watching to ensure complete coverage of all relevant material). The film stars John C Reilly and Seann William Scott in a comedy that surrounds a grocery store but plays like Office Space. Don't trust me on this one, if you hate this, it's all Ben's fault.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

I predict that the box office this weekend will total between four and nine dollars. No, not millions, I think one, maybe two, people will head to the theaters this weekend. Don't believe me? Ask yourself this: Are you going to go see a movie this weekend? Are your friends going? Do you have friends? Are you really staying in on a Friday night and just watching "According to Jim" reruns and crying? Do you need a tissue? What are you doing with those pills? Stop, it's just a Nicholas Cage movie, it isn't worth it!

Here's how I see it (or, more accurately, here's a total frigging guess)

1.) Bangkok Dangerous - $9 million

I don't know how this can be number one, I don't know how a million people can fall for this movie, but, then again, something like 4 million people watched the premiere of the new "90210"

2.) Tropic Thunder - $6.5 million

It isn't so much racing for that $100 million mark as it is dragging a dead, bloated carcass across the line. Still, hooray for a successful movie that's actually funny!

3.) The Dark Knight - $6 million

I should put The House Bunny here, but I can't possibly put it above Batman. I can't physically do it. This will take Batboy to around $515 million. I'm guessing he's spent at about $525 mil.

4.) The House Bunny - $5.5 million

Still not understanding this.

5.) Babylon AD - $4.5 million

Cheer up Vin Diesel, I'm sure your family still loves you, besides, there's always those Chronicles of Riddick sequels to look forward to (stop laughing, he'll hear you).
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