Movie Review 2: GI Joe: Rise of Cobra

I want it on record that I'm going to giggle every single time I hear "Rise of Cobra." I mean, seriously, who failed on that one? That's ALMOST as big of an epic fail as this:



Anyhoodle, this isn't about me and my bizarre trouser snake obsession, this is about GI Joe, which is apparently not bad, just mediocre. What's sad is, in comparison to the bilge water we've been forced to waterboard these past 4 months (cough Transformers 2, Terminator Salvation, Wolverine Origins), is actually a remarkable accomplishment. Without further ado, Justin's review for GI Joe: Birth of the erection.

Militaristic Mayhem
G.I. Joe delivers action without the bad aftertaste
Justin Senkbile

Heroics, violence, betrayal, romance, girls... that's all that counts in an action movie, and Stephen Sommers' G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra has plenty of it—enough to appease all the boys and man-boys, at least. That said, it isn’t for grown-ups, as there's little of interest for those of us who have long ago lost our ability to get off on explosions (sorry, Michael Bay).

It takes some focus to sort out what's actually happening amid the jets and one-liners during the first half-hour, but here's what was decipherable: Soldiers Duke (Channing Tatum) and Ripcord (Marlon Wayans) are assigned to transport some warheads, which end up being intercepted by the former's ex, Ana (Sienna Miller), who seems to be a bad guy. In the nick of time, the two soldiers are rescued and recruited by members of G.I. Joe, an elite, covert Army operation. After tons of back-story, gadgets and scenery chewing (courtesy of Dennis Quaid as General Hawk), we get into the story proper, a globe-hopping, almost Bond-esque action-thriller.

For such a gut-busting "man movie" (or, more accurately, "boy movie"), it's nice to find a virtual lack of sexist silliness. For the critically minded movie-goer, it's a much better choice than something like Land of the Lost. Although the filmmakers may deserve the benefit of the doubt for this decision, which can be chalked up to well-intentioned writing, it's also possible that there simply wasn't time for any of that stuff. The movie runs for about 118 minutes, and only a couple of those are relatively quiet. Everything else is pursuing some suspenseful narrative shard or piling on layers of audio/visual excitement.

Predictably, the performances are a little wooden and forced, the main offender being Tatum. The only saviors in the acting department are Wayans and his abundant charisma (you read that right, it was a compliment for a Wayans brother), and Quaid's hilariously absurd John Wayne impression. But, of course, that's beside the point. If Star Wars was beloved despite the God-awful Mark Hamill, chances are the little guys will respond just fine to a more contemporary demonstration of stiffness.

Eight-year olds and those able to channel their inner eight-year olds will be in love: it is dumb, exciting and a little exhausting. It’s in line with the action genre status-quo, but still the lesser evil compared to some other big screen options. Still, maybe you’d best just drop the kids off—there’s still no reason you need to sit through this thing.

Grade: C