Monday, September 14, 2009

Kanye West is a moon man...and it's Twilight

I love Ye. I want that on record. I also want it on record that my wife's defense of the man (without having actually seen his savage defiling of everywhere-all-the-effin-time Taylor Swift's 1,037th "special moment") is totally justified. Kanye West speaks to aliens from zyrydx through his sunglasses and they have granted him magic powers. He has a girlfriend that is only part human (mostly cyborg-based pleasure bot). He rides to most TV appearances on a unicorn that only eats Chanel perfume. He heard that Pluto wasn't a planet anymore and killed 37 people. He's batshit crazy...and I love him. I agree he's a total douche, but if you ask me whether I'd rather see him interrupt a little teen star going "ohmygod you guys, this is so awesome, I'm so happy right now. Gee whiz." or see Ye march up and start spoutin' crazy like it was his mothertruckin' job...guess which one I'd pick. It's entertainment, people, you will never convince me that that MTV VMA awards MEAN something to people. Anyhoodle, that's not what you came here to see. You came here to see the new Twilight trailer, and I'm gonna give it to you...and then give you my snarky comments after.



And now, my top 5 snarky thoughts:

  1. "The absence of him is everywhere I look" sounds like something a high-school girl would actually say, so points there. Sadly, those points are subtracted to the power of infinity, because some 40-year-old woman likely has that now tattooed on the "small" of her back.
  2. So, when I watch car commercials where someone's driving up the side of an active volcano, there's a note that says "do not try this at home," but when they make a movie about a teenage girl who is so in love that she feels like she has to throw herself off a cliff to see an image of her creepy, pale, dressed-like-a-homeless-person boyfriend, there's no warning. See, Twilight IS actually dangerous.
  3. Ohmygodohmygod! If the stoned chick doesn't reach pale homeless kid before sun kisses his nipples WE'LL ALL DIE! PROTECT HIS NIPPLES! Everybody get the red people out of the way, his ostentatious cowboy boots ARE ALREADY IN THE LIGHT!
  4. If I were giving this movie a subtitle it would be "New Full Moon," on account of all the dudity.
  5. Dakota Fanning, I believe this will hurt more than "just a little." Also, I remember when you were famous.

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2 Comments:

Anonymous Vanessa H. said...

After watching this trailer for the fourth time, and receiving a call from sister giggling about how she bought her tickets already, I just bought my tickets to go see New Moon on opening day! :)
I did not however, get the midnight release tickets... only because Dan said he wouldn't go deal with screaming teenagers at midnight.

September 15, 2009  
Blogger Ryan said...

I really do hope you enjoy it. Honestly, I do. Also, if I'm reading this correctly, Dan is going to go wit you to the regular showing on opening day. If that's true, let me know so I can say a few extra prayers for him.

September 15, 2009  

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