Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 26)

With UNO's Forensics season now behind me (I am still in happy-time shock), I can begin really, really dedicating myself to totally f**king around. With this in mind, I eagerly return y'all to my weekly begging. Oh, and I would really kick myself if I didn't remind everyone (like you don't have it circled with a heart on your calendars already) that my birthday is a mere 50 shopping days away. Start saving those shekels, because nobody is buying me the things they should be buying me. Seriously, at the risk of going into a once-funny-but-now-kind-of-annoying-soon-to-be-totally-unbearable-SNL-sketch...what up with that?

I wonder if the folks at Nerd Approved must suffer the indignity of not receiving or playing with all the cool shit they're pimping? Seriously though, you should check that blog out. It has sooooo many bad ass things that it makes this column look like a joke. If anyone out there wants to send me cool, free stuff though, you just contact me at film@thereader.com and I will give you the deets on how to do just that. Hell, I'll come and pick them up, so you'll save on shipping and get to hang out with me.

Here's the best things for you to buy me right now:

1.) I am having a "Lost" party for the finale...so I'm going to need these: I could make this whole column about "Lost"-related merchandise...and one day soon, I probably will. For now, I think I'm good with showing you these:
You can buy them here, and when you do, really buy me the one with the Dharma logo around the beer mug. I like the polar bear stuff, but I'm going to be honest with you, the polar bears never really did it for me in the show. Not as much as the Dharma stuff. Anyway, I'm going to love this show forever, so I may as well surround myself in it. My children are going to ask me why other children they go to school with weren't weaned on tales of electromagnetic energy gone wrong and don't fall asleep by saying "see you in another life, brutha."

2.) And they say I never include anything for the ladies - So there you are: grilling season in full effect. You're on your deluxe patio complete with luxurious plastic furniture, sipping your beverage of choice (ice-cold sodee pop). You're about to enjoy some delicious grilled meat (mostly squirrel) and corn...perfect golden corn. But you can't use your hands to eat that corn, you ain't backwards like those heathens from Iowa. No, you need something to stab into the side of that corn so you can get it all buttery and delicious without making your hands greasy. I give to you: UNI-CORN.

I am aware that this will likely draw laughs. But remind the people who laugh at you that they are (A) no longer eligible to eat your corn and (B) about to get stabbed in the neck by a plastic unicorn. Then, stand over them while they bleed to death, hungry for corn, and laugh. "Who's dumb for using Uni-Corn now? WHO'S DUMB NOW?!"

3.) This shirt makes a good case - I'm not sure how often you've truly weighed your zombie versus non-zombie options, but this shirt from Threadless sure does a lot of the ground work for you.
As you can see, in the end, it really doesn't matter as the hordes of the dead will eventually overwhelm and consume you. But until then, you'll have a fairly good run. I think of all the modern developments, the fact that zombies have gone mainstream may be among my favorites. God bless the USA.

Okay, now get to buying.

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