Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 30)

This old column has finally reached 30, which means it's now wishing it had chosen a different career path and is suddenly nostalgic for things it never really liked that much in the first place. The only thing you can do to remedy the situation is finally send some free swag this direction. With just one email to, you can be given instructions on how to provide the free merchandise necessary to pry this column from its current state of semi-depression, a semi-depression that is currently being treated with cheap wine and false promises. Please, do what you can to aid this poor column now.

Here are the three things you can send this week:

1.) Brilliance in your pocket - Maybe it's just writers who find themselves in the unenviable position of attempting to type or write on a foreign, wobbly table. I mean, there you are, about ready to put the finishing touches on what is sure to be your breakthrough script ("Squirrel Ninjas") but you can't concentrate because the table keeps dipping up and down a quarter of an inch! By God, if that doesn't cease, you'll be forced to get stabby! Calm down, freakshow, there's an answer.

THAT, is the "Wonkey Keychain." You slide it the appropriate length in under the wobbly leg of the table, and voila! Before you know it you'll be back to writing ham-fisted dialogue into an annoyingly "high-concept" screenplay that will only make this populace less evolved in no time flat! Seriously, though, how has this not been made before? Brilliant.

2.) I'm going to consider a "Nerd Hygiene" spinoff column - For what is something like the third consecutive week, I'm including soap here. I cannot applaud the movement from the nerd community to encourage their brethren to clean themselves enough. I mean, it's inspired, really. The dorks we all love (and, in my case, are) previously refused to bring soap with them. Now, we're making sure that's all their thinking about. Add to the Han Solo in carbonite bar and the Nintendo cartridge soap this little gem:
Yay! It's blood! So, not only can you get clean while pretending to be in the shower scene in Psycho, you can pretty much play endless pranks on folks! Provided they're people you don't care about seeing you naked (unless you shower clothed, which would explain what you're doing wrong). ThinkGeek does it again!

3.) I know yesterday was Star Wars day...but... - How do you not love this shirt?
Threadless makes me happy again with this incredibly literal adaptation of our (once) favorite series. I should also point out that when everyone else was saying "May the fourth be with you" yesterday, I saw a few people cleverly claim to be "The dark lord of the fifth." That's pretty clever.

Okay, that's the stuff that you should send to this column that just turned 30. I think you're going to come through this time. Not really, but have a good day anyway.


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