Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Well, Lohan is officially considering porn

Whether or not she chooses to actually hitch her falling star to Inferno, Lindsay Lohan has finally excreted late-night monologue gold (YAY! Jay Leno's schtick can be even LESS original and inspired!): According to The LA Times, the one-time object of desire (turned icky, icky bogeywoman you use to scare your slutty friends) has agreed to play Linda Lovelace. For those of you who don't know (and God bless you good, Christian folk), Lovelace was the throat in question in Deep Throat, the 70s porn that broke its way into the mainstream. So, yes, Lindsay Lohan has agreed to be a porn star...if only for a dramatic biopic (but, let's be honest, this feels more like a training exercise). If it weren't for the fact that she actually makes me sad now, I think I would be busting this news open like a whorish, joke-filled pinata. Sadly, Lohan has entered what I call "the Britney zone." Remember when Ms. Spears shaved her head and started swinging umbrellas at people while talking in a fake British accent? It was hilarious, right?! Then you realized that she was probably going to die...and it was suddenly significantly less funny. Happily, she didn't, so now you can make tons of fun jokes about the time she looked like Bat Boy from the National Enquirer and got pudgy from eating non-stop gas station snacks while shoeless. Point is, we're not in funnytown with Lindsay yet. Right now we're in "any day could be the day she O.D.s" ville, and it's less funny. So, here's hoping that playing a porn star can really help the young girl sort her life out. Lord knows that strategy has worked for literally no one.

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