Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 40)

This column turned 40?! HOLY CRAP! That means it's already worrying about its 401K and contemplating an affair with a younger, hotter blogger. Egad! No, I'm kidding, this is just a place where I beg for people to send me free stuff by contacting me at film@thereader.com, not a sentient being. OR IS IT? No, it's not. If you believed that it was, you're kind of stupid. Also, I don't REALLY expect people to buy me these things, although I will not return them if they are sent to me (and I STRONGLY encourage the companies behind these items to send them to me). So what do I want to have most on this hump day? Let's see!

1.) I don't want to hurt table...I love table - Sometimes, the good folks at Thinkgeek.com remember that we have to eat to survive. Thus, they will occasionally reveal a kitchen-based item intended to solve a problem of some kind in that part of my house. Today's problem: I have this hot pan just burning a hole in both my tender, gentle palm and through my tablecloth when I set it down. Oh, and I also have no room in my drawers in which to keep a regular trivet. Oh, and I love Michael Bay movies. Thinkgeek puts these concerns into a blender and, voila!
It's a trivet that folds up like a Transformer! How genius! Now I can finally attend to these third degree burns and the fire consuming my table! Thanks Thinkgeek!

2.) Confucius hates you - Thingeek also has a great remedy for another problem I have: a desire to f**k with my good friends. Many, many, many people I know put equal stock into advice given from friends and loved ones and advice given from a machine that crammed a cliche into whatever-the-hell dough is used to make a fortune cookie. The answer?
Mean-spirited fortune cookies! Why haven't more people thought of this?!?! If you can get one that asks someone to marry you (it wasn't clever when the first Chinese dude did it 6,000 years ago, and it isn't clever now), then why shouldn't you be allowed to get one that encourages a good friend and loved one to contemplate hari kari? Yay for blending Asian cultures!

3.) I have a friend who needs this shirt badly - Okay, so I've been called a commie many, many times. And not just because I legally changed my name to "Comrade Ryan." Mostly it's because I believe that we should help as many people as possible and that the government has the best mechanism to do that, which I call progressive and liberal and the people on the other side call "Commie pinko." You know, potato/potato (that's not very clear when written and not spoken). At any rate, we can all agree that this shirt from Threadless detailing the Communist Party is awesome, right?
I think my favorite is Stalin, who is just bummed that it's a total sausage party.

That's all for this week's desires and for this day's posts! Have a good one, back at you with my junk tomorrow!