Tuesday, August 17, 2010

A quick letter to Kristen Bell

Oh, Kristen, Kristen, Kristen,

You are relentlessly cute, perpetually attacking with your adorableness like a Golden Lab puppy who has had a Pit Bull's brain swapped in Freaky Friday style. There's no question that your pint-sized, pouty-lipped looks confine you to a certain set number of potential auditions, like "cute girl" or "friend of hot girl who is really cute herself" or "hot girl" even, but you really need to try harder because all indications hint at the fact that you're quite talented.

I see that you're joining Dance of the Mirlitons, in which you will play the mother of a chubby young ballerina who wants to make her a star. It's marketed as a black comedy, but sounds very much like the type of roles you've been taking lately (mother part aside). Kristen, you need to take yourself a bit more seriously or we're never going to. I mean, you did a movie with Josh Duhamel. JOSH DUHAMEL? What was that thought process? "Well, people loved him in 'Las Vegas' and Transformers!" When you did Forgetting Sarah Marshall, I thought you were on to something, but since then it's been nothing but one-note romantic comedies and nerd bait because you know we love your willingness to put up with us. If you want to be the prettiest girl at the comic shop, you've got that part already, but I've seen sparks in you that indicate you can do more. What I'm saying is this: Cameron Diaz is famous despite being the worst person at what she decided to do. Seriously, if she were a waitress, she would be the kind that screwed up your order and then lit you on fire and she's incredibly famous. Drew Barrymore has made the same movie 10 times in the last 12 years. Jennifer Aniston has never made a movie anyone has ever liked and she's still "popular." You can do this, Bellie (that's my nickname for you, try it out and see what you think). Here's what I recommend: Find a quirky indie director and make nice with him. Paul Thomas Anderson is fiercely loyal, as is Darren Aronofsky, who just hooked up with Mila Kunis, who YOU WERE IN A MOVIE WITH! She got to make out with Natalie Portman in that movie. Do you see what you're missing?

I like you, Bellie. I do. I want good things for you. So drop the stupid-sounding comedies, the obvious-ending rom-coms, and anything with Josh Duhamel near it and make something we can get behind. Capice?

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