Friday, August 22, 2008

Friday Free-For-All

I love that Variety and The Hollywood Reporter have to say kick ass

I don't just posture about being a nerd, I have a whole closet full of comics. Relationships of mine have ended because of comics. I have killed over a comic before (sure, it was an insect attempting to mount my copy of "Ultimate Spider-man #1" but you get the idea). My favorite artist is John Romita Jr, a man whose pencils are so pure I would bequeath to him the internal organ of his choice. Currently, JR JR is working on "Kick-Ass," a semirealistic story about a young, powerless, clumsy teenaged boy who begins fighting crime. As all comic books are instantly adapted into movies these days prior to the final issues actually seeing print (ahh, the joys of delayed comics), the big-screen version is already on the way. Directed by Matthew Vaughn (the underrated Stardust and Layer Cake), the film will star Nicholas Cage as a former cop who trained his daughter (played by Chloe Moretz) to cut people's heads off with a sword (this is why I say semirealistic and I probably should have mentioned the ultraviolence performed by teenagers). Lyndsy Fonseca will play the hot chick who only hangs out with the main character because she thinks he's gay. If this all wasn't adding up to the coolest experience ever for you, howsabout the fact that McLovin is in it. Yeah, that's right, he ain't goin' out like Pedro, he's going down swinging. All of this information was reported by The Hollywood Reporter, who chose a picture of Cage that looks like it was taken post-mortem to run with the story. Seriously, click the link just for that.

Weekend Battle Plan - You like to read, right?


Well, if you're going to see something this weekend, it may be a good time to try something more indie or offbeat, as The Rocker, The House Bunny, The Longshots, and Death Race are assaulting theaters like a torrent of diarrhea after the constipation of quality summer films has been treated.

You aren't going to have seen previews for most of these, so here's a little primer for you.

Bottle Shock looks to be a cute little film starring Alan Rickman

American Teen is a documentary culled from like 8 billion hours of footage taken at an average high-school and hobbled into some semblance of a story. They're billing it like a "real" Breakfast Club, but thou shalt not take Judd Nelson's name in vain, just a rule of mine.

Oh, and we haven't gotten to this film yet, but Scarlett Johansson and Peneople Cruz are still making out in Vicky Christina Barcelona. You shouldn't need me to tell you more about it than that, but here's that trailer.

That's my recommendation: Go see any of these three films. It will be better than Death Race, I promise.

On DVD: Again, not much to write home about...or write blogs about...but Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day is good enough for government work. Amy Adams stars as an early 20th century movie floozy and Frances McDormand plays her governess/assistant who tries to hang with her. It's cute. That's the best I can do. What, you don't like cute? You'd rather I recommend something ugly? Freakshow.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

There's no way that anybody can predict the order of this week's slap-dash, half-assed films. The only thing I know is that this is a legendarily weak week. Any of these films could come in number one, which would be like winning first-price in the pig-make-out contest. Here's my best guess:

1.) Tropic Thunder - $15 million

I really hope this movie is number one again, if only because it truly deserves to be successful. Seriously, we throw money at Will Ferrell's nutsack (his actual nutsack) and yet this movie may not be the most successful summer comedy. GO SEE IT.

2.) Death Race - $13 million

Hey, Jason Statham, I'll give you $10 bucks if you'll star in my new movie called Flaming Piece of Shit. In it, you'll play a tough guy who grimaces a lot, kicks people, and then lights dudes on fire, saying "now you're a flaming piece of shit." Really, you'll do it for $8 dollars. Cool.

3.) The Dark Knight - $11 million

Seriously, what else is there to say about this movie other than MY WIFE STILL HASN'T SEEN IT...which guarantees at least 8 more dollars in its piggy bank. It should be over $500 milly by Labor Day...which still leaves it $100 million short of Titanic. I said it before, I'll say it again. The only chance this film has of knocking Cameron's crown off is a Best Picture nomination and subsequent theatrical re-release.

4.) The Longshots - $9 million

This could actually do better, because there isn't much for families out there. Now, step back and realize I just referred to a family project starring Ice Cube directed by Fred Durst of Limp Bizkit. Now, run. Run fast.

5.) The House Bunny - $7 million

Anna Faris is cute. This movie is not.
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