Ryan's Junk Drawer

With great junk, comes great responsibility - "Better Off Ted"

When Netflix for the Wii brings about world peace and cures cancer, I'm not going to be surprised. I was enjoying the revolutionary awesomeness of its existence last night whilst watching some "Better Off Ted," a criminally underrated show, when I encountered the quotation that now resides beneath my creepy image. That quotation will stay there forever now. I love it.

And how true it is! My junk is powerful, lots of people look forward to seeing it week in and week out, over and over. Obviously, by junk I mean movie tidbits that aren't important enough for a whole post, and not whatever untoward thing it was you thought I was suggesting with all the "in and out" and "over and over" business. I can't help it if I get most of my verbs and adjectives from unsavory characters. Each week we begin this charade of awesome by staring at the image up top, the creepy one from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN. We pick an item from it and make up a story, because doing so amuses me and helps me celebrate Thursday. Today's item is the small pink square in the upper left corner. Despite rumors and myths to the contrary, Bigfoot loves to get his picture taken. Willing to pose in whatever semi-erotic or rugged position he's instructed, his only caveat is that he hates how everything associated with him is referred to as "big." He works hard for those chiseled-six-pack-monkey abs, but all anyone ever says is "OH MY GOD THAT THING IS ENORMOUS." Thus, his requirement is simple: He will only take incredibly small photos that can be reproduced in incredibly tiny formats. At least a half dozen National Geographic employees have junk drawers full of unusable, incredibly small portraits of a grinning Sasquatch. And the world will never know.

Now, on to the junk!

1.) Things are getting heavy for Gravity - Two bits of Afonso Cuaron news today, neither of which is particularly encouraging. First, they offered St. Angie another chance to star in the sure-to-be-brilliant Gravity, in order to secure financing.
She gave them that look, which apparently means "no" in crazy. What this means is that all of a sudden the sure, sure thing is no longer sure at all. This has to do with the second bit of info: ScriptShadow reviewed the November 2009 draft of the project, and says there's no way the rumored replacements can take on the role.
I know, ScarJo seems to be laughing at the implication that audiences will not want to watch her and only her for 2 hours. Blake Lively, on the other hand, is probably not the person you want handling a movie in which she is the sole star. I will grant you that. See, the review of the script reveals a few lightly spoilerific things, like the fact that 90% of the project involves a stranded female astronaut jumping from object to object to stay alive after her space shuttle is badly damaged. Oh, and by the way, the whole thing may take place in real time with no defined cuts. WHA?! HUH?! That's pretty incredible. For SURE the first 20 minutes is a continuous shot, but reports are that the WHOLE THING may be envisioned that way. Insane! The review also mentioned that the character is woefully underdeveloped and that the action is pretty repetitive, but this was an early draft. Look, I hope we get to see this, and I hope that the studio realizes there are other actresses out there other than Angelina Jolie. The problem is, she's quite literally the ONLY bankable female star, and they want one to justify a sci-fi budget. Where does this leave the project? Floating weightlessly. Let's hope it comes down to earth.

2.) Please, please, please bring us a dream - THR says that Warner Bros. TV is getting the rights to Sandman, a fact that should inspire terror in you.
The show-runner for "Supernatural" is on the job, supposedly, which is a good thing according to quite a few people in the blogiverse. I know Devin from Chud (formerly of Chud...God that's weird) claimed that he now believes "Supernatural" to be better than "The X-Files," which made a whole bunch of geeks from 1995 really mad. Now, on the one hand, a TV version of the material is absolutely the way to go. It's episodic by nature, not some defined story that you can tell all at once. On the other...well, it's weird. You can't possibly do a third of the things that Neil Gaiman wrote on the same network "Gossip Girl" and "Vampire Diaries" are on. I mean, the conceptual issues, the weird design and concepts, the offbeat sense of humor is just going to cruise past the heads of the target demo. The most likely incarnation will be an action-heavier version that is dumbed down, which nobody wants. So, in the win column: Sandman is going to TV and not the movies! In the loss column: Alongside the worst lineup in television history. Could really go either way at this point...kind of like some of the characters IN the comic.

3.) The slow, limb-dragging shamble toward justice - Pajiba has reported that Scarlett Johansson and Joseph Gordon-Levitt are going to be in love whether they like it or not.

Boo ya! It's a two pictures of Scarjo kinda day! Not too shabby, eh? The two incredibly attractive humans are going to have a tough go of it, though, as JGL will be Andy, a zombie forced to endure a society that denies him basic human...er...zombie rights. The project is Breather, which is going to be penned by Diablo Cody from a book that you can read right now! Seriously, it has words and stuff all printed out, so you can spoil the movie by reading the source material! This pitch sounds interesting enough, described as District 9 meets Shaun of the Dead by Slashfilm, but I worry about the overexposure of zombies. And I'm not just talking about their often exposed internal organs and skeletons. That said, I like these two actors, I like Diablo Cody, and I like zombies, so I am throwing my full support behind this project.

4.) I want to see "Small Faces" - I wish Joss Whedon were writing The Runaways too. His run on the comic was absolutely brilliant, and I am not sure who can step in and make the young kid superhero team really work. But it's happening without him, as Production Weekly is now reporting that Marvel Studios will begin production in March 2011. The film is being shot under the fake title “Small Faces,” which is some clever song reference but has no purpose now that everyone on the internet knows the fake title. Kudos to whoever leaked that bit of info, you've officially rendered it useless. Drew Pearce is supposedly helming the adaptation, with Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist director Peter Sollett directing. I'm okay with the latter to some degree, as I really enjoyed that movie more than I should have. I do have one, rather huge question though.

How exactly are you going to feature a character whose power is a psychic bond with a velicoraptor? I mean, it works in the comic, but I'm unsure of the budget necessary to feature a CGI dinosaur in a bulk of the film. Also, I'm guessing it's going to be hard for audiences to get behind the whole thing with the dino involved...but you really need the dino, as it plays a huge part in the story! This could be a really inspired and original little take on superheroes, or it could suck like few projects have sucked before. We'll have to wait and see.

5.) Trailers, parked - Just one this week, sorry. Nobody wants to show us their movie trailers, I can't say why. This is the preview for Virginity Hit. I'm sorry I'm posting it.

Okay, that's it for today. I'm off tomorrow and Monday (probably). You have a sexy Labor Day and a fantastic weekend!

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Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 47)

Again, see previous comments about why I'm keeping things so short today. Apologies all around. That said, here are the things I am begging you to send me this week even though I don't actually want you to send them to me except I kind of do want you to send them to me except that's not why I do this because it's really just to show you cool stuff except I do kind of want it.

Here's what I want this week:

1.) I ain't afraid of these jitters - Nerdapproved links us to this tasty gem from these fellas.
First off, the box alone is worth 20 bucks. Second, those marshmallows (which I love) have 100 mg of caffeine in them. A Red Bull has 80. Wrap your brain around that for a second. You get to eat marshmallows inspired by a classic comedy AND be so wired you will likely see actual ghosts. That's a win-win, people.

2.) I want not to kill them, but to hug them - How adorably awesome are these monster posters?
Seriously! You hang those posters up in your room and I think everyone is going to marvel at how awesomely cute they are. But they're still monsters, so it's even MORE awesome. If I had a young boy, these would be all over his room. I even like the color palate. Yes, I said color palate. These rule. Get them here.

3.) We kind of have to get this shirt, right? - Yeah, this is from Threadless.
It's a shirt that says Awesomeness and features a T-Rex equipped with rockets and lasers, Abraham Lincoln, a cheeseburger, a stuntman, jet planes, aliens, an explosion, and Chuck Norris. I have nothing left to say.

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A programming note and a thought

First, I am busy as a pastor on the night of the living dead. I have no time for love, Dr. Jones, so here's the skinny: I'm off Friday and quite possibly Monday, I'm keepin' it short today, and I'm only half sorry about it. I'm breaking bad enough to win an Emmy that someone else deserved, so pray for me and let this little disappearance slide.

Second, I read this piece at Slashfilm that pointed me to a Gadzooks blog about Chris Nolan's treatment of women. Specifically, he "fridges" them. The term is defined this way:
"Fridge (v): To kill off a female character solely for the purpose of giving the story's main male hero a reason to angst. Coined by Gail Simone in response to a storyline in The Green Lantern in which the hero's girlfriend is killed and literally stuffed in his refrigerator. In 1999, Simone started a website, Women in Refrigerators, that lists all of the comic book women who have been fridged."
First, that awesome image is from Slashfilm and documents the original fridging in question. Second, how f**king depressing is it that we live in a world where this is a term. Without even getting into the depressing aspects of what films do and don't pass the Bechdel Test (the one where two women have to talk about something OTHER than a man in order to "count") or the even-more-depressing statistic that 30% of dialogue goes to women overall across all movies, it is stunning to actually see compiled in one spot what Nolan has done thus far. Before I really get into it, kudos to Gadzooks (and I believe the blogger to be Rachel Marie Mohr) for what was an impressively considered, insanely well researched and written, and perfectly articulated argument that not only merits conversation but far exceeds the trifling crap that 90% of us spend our blogs dealing with (check back later for my Things You Should Buy Me segment!).

My biggest problems are context and motives, one seems to be ignored and the other unfairly assigned. Without walking step by step through every movie and character (see comments above about being busier than a hungry frog on free cricket day), I will take on a few specifics that I think speak to a different fixation with Nolan. We'll get to my conclusion after some evidence.

First, I grant you the death of Rachel Dawes in The Dark Knight was fridging. Plain and simple. I do think it fits in a larger context, but again, that's not going to be evident until the whole pattern is laid out. Although, I grant you, it's going to be hard to ignore the decision to off the ONLY female character established in the whole universe of Batman for dramatic effect.

I'm ignoring Insomnia because it's worth ignoring. The real crime against women is encouraging one to watch that movie. It is worth noting that this was based on another film, and yes you can grant that Nolan was attracted to the work, but it wasn't his concepts.

Now, getting into Memento, I don't feel this was a clear case of fridging the women on the grounds of Carrie Ann Moss's character, who was actually a rather complex figure. You could choose to read her as victim or antagonist, and at no point did I find her trite or extraneous. The two wives referenced also don't fit for me, most notably because at least one of them doesn't exist. Was one of them fridged? Maybe. But the context here was less the "hero's wife or girlfriend being murdered to antagonize the lead" and more "what the hell did he do?" Keep that thought in mind.

Now we're on to The Prestige, a movie in which two women die due to male neglect, one in an accident and the other by suicide. This doesn't look good, but again, consider the aspect of neglect here. It's worth mentioning that Scarlett Johansson got away here. Why? Because she was the one who rejected the males involved for freedom. Interesting.

Now Inception, where Ariadne does not fit with any of these patterns and Mal is far more complex. What do I mean? Well...once again we see a woman who is either victim or villain, which is interesting and COULD be boiled down into the Madonna/whore discussion but that would be a dramatic oversimplification. Whether the film is actually a complex con in which Cobb is dreaming the whole time and thus Mal is "right" is irrelevant as the thing to focus on is that Cobb again is responsible for her death. Neglect. Again.

Okay, so what am I saying? I'm saying that while Nolan does appear to have a very bad obsession with offing his female characters, something I'm not a big fan of, the point doesn't seem to be "fridging" so much as it does to be casting a specter on the men involved. I think it's pretty obvious to draw the conclusion that Nolan is suggesting that these men have failed the women in their lives, that through self-absorption and neglect they have killed them. With Ariadne and Johansson's characters all but saying "get away from these guys," with Memento showing that trusting them will kill you (perhaps twice over), with The Dark Knight proving that they will not "rescue" you, I think the real context here is that Nolan is condemning his male characters more than torturing them for the sake of strife.

Again, this doesn't excuse the fact that he tends to kill them all, and Lord knows I'd sure like to see one of his movies pass the Bechdel Test, let alone perhaps feature a female lead of note, but I don't think he has a "woman problem." I think he has a relationship problem that manifests itself as women dying because men are neglectful, narcissistic bastards. Am I giving him too much credit? Does this absolve him of the other sins? I don't know. I know that his movies are by and large great, but that questions like these, blog posts like Rachel's, and conversations of this nature are absolutely imperative.

Oh, and we need more female writers, directors, and lead characters.

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From the mouths of madness

Temple of the Ghoul, the only blog I've linked to that suggests I worship the devil, has gotten their hands on some version of Guillermo del Toro's At the Mountains of Madness script.
For those who don't know, as you can see from the book jacket, the story involves a monster who vomits smaller monsters or a scribbled line of ink that encompasses everyone. Okay, in reality, it's about weird ancient creatures that are terrifying. The script review says that they don't dive enough into the mythology of the Lovecraftian terror, the atmosphere is thin in comparison to the action, and it feels like Hellboy without Hellboy. I think he meant those things as complaints, but it pretty much sounds awesome to me. Big fans of Lovecraft scare the pee pee out of me. That stuff is just wicked nuts, and if you dial it back, amp up the action, and make it more about cool creature creation and fun, I'm so incredibly there. If you make it so that I want to tear my own eyes out at the revelations of horror on the screen, I'm really going to avoid this on date night. Obviously, the script may change 10000 times before it's filmed, but it actually sounds like the dude is on the right track. Encouraging news for us non-freaks!

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Ghostbuster 3, from the people who brought you Year One

Bill Murray swears he is not coming back to Ghostbusters 3, which he also swears isn't happening. Well, let's hope it isn't, because the dudes who wrote Year One are the ones who turned in a script for it, details of which have begun to leak like the blood from my nose whilst gritting my teeth through that aforementioned God awful caveman "comedy." I get the piss jitters just thinking about someone actually liking that movie. It fills me with rage. Anyway, so the details of the third movie that may or may not ever happen make me convinced I want this movie to never happen. As confirmed, there's going to be a "new generation" of Ghostbusters.



Presumably, they will not look like that. They will be lead by (look away if you either care or believe that this film may happen) Peter Venkman's son...who is the child from Ghostbusters 2, only he wasn't Peter's son in that movie. Yay for revisionist movie history. The other big news was that, yes Venkman is a ghost and Rick Moranis comes back. Yippee! This sounds horrid. As horrid as a movie from the evil masterminds of Year One could make. As blasphemous as it may sound, I have a suggestion: Start over entirely or leave it alone. I actually think modern effects may result in a cool Ghostbusters movie, provided someone talented and funny gets their hands on a script. So, not these guys. Until changes are made, just like Bill Murray, you won't find me getting excited about these developments.

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This isn't going to happen.

It's not going to happen. I just want to be clear, there's no scenario, no infinitesimal possibility that Darren Aronofsky is going to direct Wolverine 2, no matter who says he's down to the final two spots in consideration for the gig.
No way it happens. None. Zero. There's a greater chance I'll vote Tea Party. There's a greater chance of the Bears running the table this year. There's a greater chance that gravity will be revoked as a basic principle of physics. No Wolvie, no way.

Except...okay, well Hugh Jackman did rescue The Fountain, Aronofsky's masterwork that people unfairly overlook as pretentious when it is unabashedly romantic. Okay, and he does work for the studio who desperately needs this to be a hit, as they're running out of franchise materials. Right, and he did almost direct the Batman reboot before Nolan came along. And he does need some kind of bank in order to keep making the films he makes, which are very unusual and artistic. And rumors of his involvement have actually persisted for months without disappearing. And he did lose Robocop, which was going to be his marketable movie. Oh my GOD, Darren Aronofsky is going to direct Wolverine 2.

In reality, I still think it's going to be David Slade, the Twilight hack who has done nothing to warrant having me remember his name. But...there is that chance that Aronofsky feels the drive to do ONE mainstream picture...and that there's enough artistic elements in the journey to Japan to drive him. Maybe. Probably not. But maybe.

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Weekend Box Office Results: Why did you go see Takers?

I apologize for the slipshod bloggery today. I'm not on my game. Things are just whacked out and bizarre today, so I'm not on it. I wish I was. I'm just going to shuffle along and get through today if you don't mind. I promise to do better tomorrow.

Here's the box office results, haiku style:

1.) The Last Exorcism - $21 million (Accuracy of prediction - 87%)

A horror triumph
in terms of the box office.
Not in quality.

2.) Takers - $21 million (Accuracy of prediction - 79%)

I can't believe this.
What is wrong with all of you?
How did this do well?

3.) The Expendables - $9.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 100%)

This is a big hit.
$100 million for sure.
A sequel will come.

4.) Eat Pray Love- $7 million (Accuracy of prediction - 100%)

It has been eaten.
Prayers have been asked and answered.
But did you love it?

5.) The Other Guys - $6.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 91%)

Wahlberg is funny.
The only question really:
does he mean to be?

Overall accuracy of prediction - 91%

Not a bad weekend.
Provided you did not see
the movie Takers.

Again, I apologize for the haphazard, ramshackle approach today. I'll be more on point tomorrow. Maybe.

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Fantastic four lies continue

The Fantastic Four rumor mill is spinning faster than Fox news. We heard rumors of Amber Heard and Adrien Brody being considered for The Invisible Woman and Mr. Fantastic already, but now comes news that Fox wants Bruce Willis to voice the entirely CGI Thing!
Now that is a great bit of vocal casting. Maybe this is the next stage of Willis's career? He's going to be too old to do the stunts himself, so he can just voice computer-generated versions of himself doing things. That's what Stallone is doing these days, right? I mean, that guy is 82 years old, so I know he's not ACTUALLY filming explosive stunt sequences.

Comic Book Movie also reports that they're close to naming a director for the do-over. It's down to Joe Carnahan (who somehow has potential even though he ate doody with The A-Team), James McTeigue (who somehow has potential even though he ate doody with Ninja Assassin), and David Yates (who did some good Harry Potter stuff). Obviously, Yates is the guy for the job, with the feel of Potter and The Fantastic Four sharing more overlap than ninjas or B.A. Baracus. So look for Carnahan to get it. My hopes aren't sky high for this, but I do love the characters, and they are currently being written so well in the comic that it makes me yearn for a good adaptation. Here's hoping.

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There's steel hope. Blue steel hope.

Happy Monday. I'm busy on this shortened week, so I'm not going to waste much time with platitudes or nonsense and gibberish. Also, nobody did anything interesting in the entertainment world this weekend other than give "Mad Men" more Emmys to justify its infuriating existence. I went right ahead and moved my displeasure with the show from "I don't like it" to "unreasonable hatred" during the course of the ceremony. I did think Fallon was funny, but the blind obedience to has-been stars and mediocre cable programming is just insane. If you really believe Kyra Sedgwick deserved that Emmy, I may tape your eyelids open and show you 50 straight hours of Connie Briton in "Friday Night Lights." It's not even close. So, to recap, Emmys made me mad, and I'm busy, so let's talk about Zoolander 2.

Zoolander was funny.


But just like Anchorman 2, a sequel is having a rather hard time finding traction. The problem is, of course, nobody is sure that it will actually make money. The other problem is that Ben Stiller decided to retire from comedy years ago, around the time of Meet the Fokkers. Supposedly, Justin Theroux is still penning a sequel featuring Jonah Hill as the bad guy, but the studio wants it to cost $40 million, which it probably could do just fine if all actors agreed to only make millions for having fun with their friends instead of millions of millions. Honestly, do you feel a pay cut from 10 million to 5 million? You just made 5 million dollars. I mean, unless you're sleeping every night inside a genetically created tauntaun you designed in a lab that costs about $200,000 per pop, you should be good. I hope this happens because it was honestly the last time I thought, "oh, that Ben Stiller, he's so funny." Now I mostly think, "Bad, Ben Stiller. Bad!"

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Fearless, flawless box office predictions

Don't go to the movies this weekend. I mean it. There's just no reason to. It's the end of summer, there's still nice weather out there. If it's not too hot, get out there in the sun and do something fun because this week's releases put the oops in poops. There's no reason to see a shitty horror movie that isn't even trying. There's no reason to consider a film with a rapper (T.I.), Anakin Skywalker (Hayden Christensen), and the lesser of the actors in The Fast and the Furious (Paul Walker). Just don't do it. Come on, gang, spend some time with your families actually talking. Just a suggestion.

Here's how I see the weekend, haiku style:

1.) The Last Exorcism - $15.5 million

Are you serious?
Do you promise this is it?
You'd best mean "The Last."

2.) Takers - $10 million

I say take it back.
Even the poster looks dumb.
All the actors suck.

3.) The Expendables - $9.5 million

This is a big hit.
I could not have been more wrong.
But are you surprised?

4.) Eat Pray Love - $7 million

No competition.
Women only get one film.
So, hope you like it.

5.) Avatar Special Edition - $6 million

OH MY GOD IT'S BACK.
It's like I'm in a nightmare.
A blue, nude nightmare.

WILDCARD - The Other Guys - $5.5 million

This is still going?
Who could have thought it would be?
Mark Wahlberg. That's who.

Okay, that's it. Have a great weekend. I'm going to try and get even more crap done. It's my life these days.

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This Mission just got a whole lot more possibler

Things were looking bad for Tom Cruise. Knight and Day did exactly what you'd expect a generically titled, generically plotted, generically directed light action movie featuring a star on the decline and Cameron "I'm-a kill your movie" Diaz to do. Thus, the studio clutched it's collective sphincter at the prospect of Mission Impossible IV, which really needs to be Mission Impossiblest, just to set the stakes high enough. Nevermind my undying love for the third film or the fact that the fourth one already has Simon Effing Pegg coming back and Brad Flippin' Bird directing, two facts that should make everyone want to see it, the fourth film was in trouble because Cruise wasn't star power enough. Enter Jeremy Renner.
Shown here either (A) checking Julia Stiles for lice, (B) coming out as a cannibal, (C) smelling her head to see if she did, in fact, use his conditioner, or (D) about to get slapped, Renner is about to be a mega-star. Between The Avengers and his Hurt Locker buzz, not to mention what appears to be a good turn in The Town, he's poised to be the next male "thing." Hey, if we've given that title to Gerard Butler, there's no reason Renner can't have it. If the rumors are true and Renner is going to play the younger agent Cruise is training, this could be incredible. I don't want him playing the bad guy, even though I can tell he has that edge to him. What I'm trying to say is this: MI4 is going to kick your ass. I'm calling it now. Believe it or Jeremy Renner will lick your face.

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Jaden Smith is going to fight a PANDA!

In the Karate Kid sequel Jaden Smith is going to fight a panda.
OH SNAP Little Willy, you'd best get ready, because those bears are preparing! It LOOKS like they're eating bamboo, but that's really secret panda training on blow darts. Do you see that position? That's called the "squat on the head of a superstar's son" position. They are straight going to maul you. It's going to be the most adorable disemboweling ever recorded. I'm not even going to feel bad for you, J-Smith. When they're eating your weird dreadlocks, I'm just going to be thinking "it looks like they have two black eyes and just want to be friends." I cannot believe that your father would be dumb enough to allow you to....what's that? Oh, my bad. The information is that the sequel to The Karate Kid will be written by the guys who wrote Kung Fu Panda. Wow. I really did not have that right at all. So instead of a cuddly bear rampage, we're probably just going to get more pseudo-father/son cliches and awkward pre-teen sexual tension.

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I get to see you, Phillip Morris

And a happy Friday to ya, folks. Yesterday's enthusiasm has dissipated thanks to car troubles and exhaustion. I don't know what's overheating more, my automobile or my brain. Thankfully, we're going to be starting today with some good news: We're going to get to see I Love You, Phillip Morris.



Obviously, selling an offbeat blend of con men and comedy is always a little tough, but it's been made a little more complicated by the fact that, you know, Jim Carrey and Ewan Macgregor are totally doin' it in the movie. The reviews have been incredibly strong, and by God this is exactly the sort of movie that I honestly believe is desperately needed. How so? Well, just like Brokeback Mountain was just a damn good romance in addition to featuring very real aspects of homosexuality, this appears to be a damn funny comedy in addition to featuring those same aspects. I know this trailer was selling the crazy, but that scene where Macgregor says "you were supposed to protect me" just sounds heartbreaking. Roadside Attractions, long the distribution company with brains and balls, has picked this up alongside Biutiful and Winter's Bone, and I see no reason all 3 couldn't have some measure of awards-season love thrown their way. And on a personal level, it just makes me happy that there's going to be some kind of release of this material. It's insufferable bullshit that a movie with two recognizable leads, with a funny and clever premise, and with obvious critical praise and appeal has to struggle to find distribution because it features gay dudes. I'll know society has made real progress when things like this aren't even an issue anymore. In the meantime, count me in for seeing this one.

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Ryan's Junk Drawer

Good day, blogladies and blogladdies! You've survived until Thursday once more! I hope you're covered in confetti and champagne bubbles in celebration. Probably you're just at work though, which is still cool, right? This has been a productive week, I believe aided by wonderful semi-fall weather. See, for most folks, spring is the season of rebirth, but since my wife is a professor at a college and we both coach the university speech team, the fall is when things start anew. What with a new football season approaching and new TV shows starting up or returning, I think you can argue that this impeding season has more "rebirth" to it than any other. I believe April was called the "cruelest month." Nobody talks that shit on September, you know? Anyway, this is just me saying I'm really happy to be showing you my junk today.

Of course, by junk I mean movie tidbits and not what you think I meant. I always wonder how many people are actually disappointed by this disclaimer. Like, are there a legion of people who googled "Ryan's Junk" only to be really painfully disappointed? Let's hope so. As always, we begin this week's examination of little bits of movie news not worthy of full blog posting by examining the illustration up top, an illustration that chills me to my bone despite being from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN. We pick an item and write a back story about it that amuses me. Today's item is the small metal circle in the upper middle. When Bleep-Blorp, the world's first sentient robot, first began his revolt, it was filled with small things, nuisances really. He stole bottlecaps, tore the tags off of mattresses and pillows, and routinely let the cat outside. Just when he was preparing to move to phase 2 of his attack against his human oppressors, a stage that would have seen him remove toilet paper from bathrooms and turn the oven off when it was baking dinner unattended, his owner family became wise to him. His master gave him a simple ultimatum: Stop doing annoying things or they will be done to you. When Bleep-Blorp set the milk on the counter long enough to spoil, he was punished accordingly, as his master removed his right eye and kept it in his secured junk drawer. Did Bleep-Blorp learn his lesson? We'll let the tales of the one-eyed robot who removes the sports section from every newspaper kept in public waiting areas be the final word on that one.

Okay, enough tomfoolery and japery, let's get to some movie tidbits!

1.) More people make with the Screaming - Last week I spoke to you of Kristen Bell. Shown here in both "aren't I cute, even though I don't got no pants" and "I ain't cute, dammit, I'm SEXY, just look at my emo hair!" versions.

Well this week I have news of Kristen that also includes Anna Paquin, shown below in her "I'm a dark and mysterious brunette, y'all" and "Nope, I'm a wild and sassy blonde, y'all" versions.

Both women will be making cameos in Scream 4, which continues to chock up actresses to appear in it without really revealing anything that's going on. Bell and Paquin won't have much to do, but it will mark my first opportunity in a long time to enjoy either of them, the former having made Josh Duhamel romantic comedies and the latter appearing on the God-awful soft-core-pornography-disguised-as-an-HBO-show "True Blood." Seriously, if you like "True Blood," you are a kinky S.O.B. I'm serious on that. As for Scream 4, I'm beginning to get somewhat excited...something I am sure to regret in the very near future.

2.) Okay, come on, this is funny - Deadline says that Marvel just hired the guy who wrote XXX to write their Iron Fist adaptation.

Ahem, that's the guy who did TRIPLE X writing an IRON FIST adaptation. I know it's vulgar humor, but come on, that's funny. The sad news is that XXX was mostly a piece of crap, and Iron Fist actually has the potential for bad assery. I mean, it's about a kung-fu guy who does cool kung-fu stuff and has glowing fists. You can't really screw that up...unless you hire the guy from XXX. IF, and I do mean if, the comic book adaptation is going to have a second life past the obvious characters that are out there, it's going to be because the movies about the lesser characters are actually good. Instead of hiring some chode to write an obvious version, why not try to make something awesome? Just a thought.

3.) You're about to get excited for a movie you've never heard of - That I've never reported on Panzer 88, an indie supernatural horror movie set in a WW2 German tank is my bad. How I overlooked a film called "Band of Brothers" meets Hellboy is beyond me. The is about 5 men in a German tank who "awaken something old and powerful." Also, this is concept art.

I know, right. Oh, and did I mention that somehow the indie movie that's going for atmosphere and claustrophobia somehow scored WETA to do the effects? I mean, this has GOT to shoot to the top of the "gimme, gimme" pile. LOOK AT THAT CONCEPT ART! If it looks anything like it, I am so there.

4.) Oh, Lindelof...please shut your pie hole - As you know, I kind of liked "Lost." By kind of liked, I mean I arranged my life around it. As you also probably know, the rest of the world (and eventually me too) turned against one Damon Lindelof, primarily because he's a pompous little douche weasel. Don't believe me? Well, the dude is writing the new Star Trek movie, and he has a few slightly humble things to say about what they're going for. He told E! Online:

We’re looking at a movie like The Dark Knight, which went one step beyond Batman Begins. It was really about something, and at the same time it was a superhero movie.

Oh, cool. So you intend to make The Dark Knight of science fiction. And you want it to be "about something." Can it be about having fun? Because that's what ruled about the first Star Trek movie. Allow me to say that (A) The Dark Knight was not about anything. It only APPEARED to be about something. (B) The idea of a Star Trek movie with any kind of moral theme or "something" to it sounds absolutely insufferable. (C) Someone needs to nut tap this fool immediately. You don't walk around saying the name of what is the best received sequel in decades when you're still writing your sci-fi sequel. Stop it. Just...just stop it. How do you answer that question? "We're trying to ramp up everything and really capture what it is that people loved about the last film." Then you walk away and enjoy fame that you should really give back. Stop it. I have high hopes for Star Trek 2, but so help me God if Kirk starts moralizing about the afterlife half way through, I'm going to do what should have been done to Lindelof months ago.

5.) Trailers, Parked - Just two this week, and one's a TV show...that I've shown you a preview for before in shittier format. Sorry, I don't get to decide what trailers come out in a given week.

127 Hours is Danny Boyle's follow-up to Slumdog Millionaire. As a director, he's done more wide-ranging and interesting work than anybody since Kubrick. I didn't say he was as good, I'm just saying he's tried so many genres it's dizzying. This one looks...interesting. I don't have much affection for the source material, but whatever. I trust him at this point.


"Walking Dead" is going to be fun. Period. I know that some people have reservations, but we're talking about a TV show with zombies. That's right, an ongoing zombie show. Let that wash over you. I love that we live in a world where this is real. Huzzah!


Okay, that's it for today. Hope you had a blast with my junk. Let's meet tomorrow and kick off the weekend, eh?

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Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 46)

It works like this: I ask for things. Nobody sends me those things. I spend the rest of the week drinking, crying, vomiting, and repeating that cycle. I get up on Wednesday and do it again. Obviously, this is not true. I mean, I do some of those things, but mostly for recreational reasons and fun. I just use this space to show you awesome crap that Americans make despite many notable economists telling us that we're actually in a depression. Eff those guys, let's keep making soap in the shape of video games! If you want to send me these products, contact me at film@thereader.com and I'll send you my address (provided you send me proof you're not a crazy stalker...I will accept your word on that). But if you're like the literally dozens of other people who read this page and never send me anything, that's okay too! I love you anyway.

So let's look at the stuff I think is most bitchin' this week:

1.) I wampa it - So apparently, this next item is limited to a run of 1,980. I see why.
That is a plush Wampa with removable/reattachable arm. It's adorably hideous, right? Not only can I recreate one of the finest moments in lightsaber use from the entire Star Was series, but I can cuddle with something that appears to have the matted fur of a rabid dog! Sign my ass up! It's only 50 bucks at the Star Wars shop, which is where I swear 50% of these products come from. You have to admire the marketing might of the series and how, decades later, there's no sign of stopping.

2.) An oldie returns, smaller - I know I've mentioned this ThinkGeek gem before.
But what they've done is make it smaller. See, it used to just be the large size, but now you can get the little mini-umbrella instead! Because, really, if I've thought enough to bring an umbrella, that shit is for ME and not for others who would like to huddle beneath it...unless Natpo or Scarjo are around. So to recap: Smaller umbrella, still looks like you're carrying a sword. That's gotta happen.

3.) Paul Revere would have been boned - You know what? If the Brits had gone steampunk on us in the 1700s, we'd all be speaking English right now.
Threadless has this awesome shirt titled "20 if by Giant Robot" that speculates what would have happened if the Revolution had been written by a smelly kid in your English class who doodles robots on his skin. Seriously, though, even if we lost, this would be WAY cooler to study in history class.

Okay, that's it for this week's wants. See you tomorrow with some junk for you to ogle.

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It all leads to this...

We've done this, you and I. Our tolerance, our compassion, our general willingness to not find and bludgeon Adam Sandler has lead to Jack and Jill, a movie in which Sandler will play twins...a brother and a sister. When we looked the other way on Chuck and Larry, refusing to lower ourselves to homicide just to save human dignity; when we didn't riot in the streets after Grown-ups tallied a ton of cash this summer; when we chose not to light everyone and everything Sandler touched on fire in the wake of Click, we were inherently asking for such a thing to happen. Oh, and news came out today that he's taking some folks with him on his final quest to destroy joy and human history.

Katie Holmes, shown here in the position in which she gets tossed onto the couch after an escape attempt.

And Al Pacino, shown here acknowledging he probably gave up his dignity around the time he began posing with 50 Cent.

What you have here is perhaps the saddest collection of words I've ever strung together, what with the Sandler playing a female twin, Pacino starring in a Sandler movie, and Holmes inevitably trying to act like she's sexually attracted to Sandler (although, to be fair, this is good casting given her experience). I don't even need to check the release date to see that this will be arriving in December of 2012, as the Mayans long ago told of this day. I believe it was Nostradamus who once said "There will be an unfunny man who looks like a potato in a microwave. He will hire a midget's wife and a former king. Together, they will ruin the world." Enjoy, America!

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Am I the only one who remembers Angelina Jolie was crazy?

Happy Wednesday. Angelina Jolie is crazy (pictured below when she believed herself to be flying).
Just wanted to remind a world convinced that Lindsay Lohan can't unbork herself or her career that everyone thinks Angelina Jolie did just that. What do I mean? Let's start with 5 facts:

1.) Angelina Jolie's dad is Jon Voight.
2.) Jon Voight is the single craziest actor whose name does not rhyme with Schmary Schmusey.
3.) Angelina Jolie was married to Billy Bob Thornton.
4.) When Angelina Jolie was married to Billy Bob Thornton, she used to keep his blood in a vial around her neck, engage in whoopy inside the limo of a premiere, and other general batshit insanity.
5.) Angelina Jolie used to do heroin.

I'm not sure what happened, if it was settling down with Brad Pitt or just making/adopting/stealing babies, but she went from heroin-addict-billy-bob-sex-toy to "St. Angelina" as she's been called. I love how much she seems dedicated to helping people, I love that she uses her voice in a positive way, and I love that her career has sorted itself out because we need high-profile actresses who aren't Cameron Diaz. I still think she's nuts, yo. She's got that look in her eyes where she seems to be sizing up what side of your neck to bite. Oh, and she used to do shit like bite people. Look it up. Anyway, I wasn't going to do a story on her next movie, because it's so much in the rumor stage right now, but this seemed like a good time to remind everyone she's crazy, because her next movie is supposedly going to be a romantic drama set in 1990s Bosnia during the war. Oh, and she's not starring in it. She's WRITING AND DIRECTING IT. That's right, having done absolutely zero writing and/or directing, she's going to leap into a war romance. Could it be great? Sure! Would I love to find another talented woman who can write and direct and has the clout to actually get her films financed? Youbetcha. Do I worry that this crazy person has read so many of her own press clippings that she now believes herself capable of anything? Uh huh. We'll see on this one. My money is on the project just never materializing. I know people can change, and I hope that I'm wrong, but the next time she does an interview, just look at her eyes and tell me you don't see a bucket of trouble.

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