Monday, August 18, 2008

Quick clips for Monday August 18

I am the Michael Phelps of box office predictions, in that I am all wet

Remember that totally exciting race between Phelps and that other guy on Friday, when you thought for sure Phelps had lost but then he teleported somehow in front to win by a hundredth of a second? Well, I was nowhere near that close to accurately predicting the box office. But I didn't exactly "pull a Scarnato" either (too soon or just too obscure for those not olympically obsessed?)

Here are the results:

1.) Tropic Thunder - $26 million

This is a good start. I wish it brought home a little more bacon (because I really, really love bacon), but this is a decent enough start given the fact that 66 million folks were at home on Saturday night watching Phelpsie. Hopefully word of mouth builds and it lays claim to the "top-grossing comedy of the year" crown it deserves. I love a world where Ben Stiller is funny again, even if for a brief moment.

2.) The Dark Knight - $16.5 million

Okay, so I had the number justabout right but the position wrong. So sue me. Actually, I did at least suggest it was possible for Star Wars: Pwned Wars to end up in third, and this makes me happy. Sometimes, it's okay to be wrong...if Lucas looks stupid.

3.) Star Wars: Clone Wars - $15.5 million

Suck on this, Lucas, you stereotype-spewing, throat-beard of hate. Turds get third. Remember 'dat yo.

4.) Mirrors - $11 million

What, the grocery stores were out of razors, so you had to try to kill yourself the old fashioned way (like watching Kiefer Sutherland act)? Only a milly off of my prediction, but I had it in fifth, which was depressing enough.

5.) Pineapple Express - $10 million

As expected, this film had its audience big-time eaten up by Tropic Thunder (a far superior action-comedy). That said, the reason studios want to oil up and eat Seth Rogen and Judd Apatow? This flick cost $27 million and has already grossed $62 million, on its way to a likely $75-80 million. Throw in what will likely be blazing DVD rentals, and this thing is a profit juggernaut. No lie, in terms of return on investment percentages, it could be as profitable as The Dark Knight.

Dear Lord, please don't take Voltron from me

Just the other day I was recounting my "all I ever wanted for Christmas but didn't get" story, you know the one that everyone has (and I normally sympathize, except for one friend...dude, you didn't get it because it was illegal and the smell alone would have been prohibitive). For me, it was the Black Lion toy that formed the torso and head of Voltron. I mean, I got the Red Lion, which was cool and all, because he formed the hand that got to hold the sword (at least I didn't get the Yellow Lion, who formed the stinky foot). For those who don't know what I'm talking about, you're probably too young to be reading this blog anyway, but here's a picture:

I mention this because Variety is reporting that the bed-crapping studio (New Regency) that has sat on the live-action Voltron rights for an eternity (not realizing robot lions that form a bigger, sword-wielding robot is maybe the coolest thing that has ever been thought up) is ready to turn out something immediately before they lose the right to do so. The studio is suggesting that the 300 strategy will be used, which either means a lot of green screens or Voltron is going to have helluva six-pack. Either way, get this thing in theaters immediately so my wife can buy me the Black Lion for Christmas to erase all my childhood pain.

This is the only time you'll ever see Bill O'Reilly here, unless he's crying in pain

There was a point at which David Zucker was funny. Honest. He did Airplane and Naked Gun, which were both hilarious (and Top Secret, which may have been funnier than either of those). Of course, that was before First Daughter and Scary Movies 1-infinity. Well...his latest movie is a weird, weird beast: An American Carol is a right-wing parody movie, basically targeting Michael Moore (I always love criticism that comes like a decade late) and liberalism in general. More or less, it's A Christmas Carol with Trace Adkins as one of the ghosts and Chris Farley's brother as Ebeneezer Scrooge-meets-Michael Moore. I shit you not. The trailer premiered on the (shudder) Bill O'Reilly show and he even cameos in the film, which really should tell you where I stand on this thing before it even arrives. (No lie, that man could be the worst human on the planet currently consuming oxygen.) That said, the patriot in me would like to believe that someone on the right is capable of being nearly as funny as Stewart and Colbert (even if Airplane's slapstick isn't exactly the high satire of the two aforementioned geniuses), if just to have some measure of balance (fair or otherwise). I guess what I'm asking is, "is this funny to you?"

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