Thursday, September 18, 2008

Quick Clips for Thursday September 18

Encouraging Kick Ass-ery

When I first regularly started using "the Internet," invented by Al Gore years before John McCain invented the blackberry, it was partially inspired by Aintitcoolnews ( It was during the Star Wars Episode I madness, and I was trolling the site daily for any tidbit I could ("What's a Jar-Jar? I don't know, but it's gonna be sweet!"). I loved that many site contributors used codenames (codenames that were totally unnecessary and often completely ridiculous, who would believe a rumor from Amphibious Hemaphroditus?), and my favorite was Moriarty, a skilled writer who took his name, not from some ridiculous B-grade sci-fi villain, but from arguably the greatest evil mastermind ever conceived. This is a long way of getting to the point about how excited I am that Moriarty got his hands on a script for the upcoming Kick Ass, which is based on a comic book I am loving from Mark Millar and John Romita Jr (who is my all-time, no-doubt-about-it, made-my-wife-memorize-his-name-and-style comic book fact, if y'all want to chip in for some original JR JR art for X-mas, that'd be great). The plot of the comic isn't exactly big-studio friendly (MINOR SPOILER ALERT: Part of the script involves an 11-year-old who repeatedly decapitates and mutilates bad guys with a giant sword...something I am NOT advocating children actually try). As one would imagine, it is this sort of unique development that gives the comic its fresh feel and was very likely to have been tamed-down or deleted by studio suits, which is why director Matthew Vaughn went indie (sort of indie) with it. Color me impressed that Nic Cage signed on to the script Moriarty describes, which seems to have kept everything (down to the murderous tween and the main character who fakes gay to get close to a girl). Moriarty really flipped for the script, and, as they're already shooting it, it looks like that's what we're going to get. People have been wondering for awhile now what the next evolution of comic book movies will be, with Watchmen and Kick Ass (hell, with The Dark Knight really), we may finally have an answer. Oh, and Nic, if this is as good as it could be, you're forgiven for Ghost Rider. Also, did I mention McLovin' is in this? Because he is.

Unless "Splash Mountain" is about piles of dead mermaids, it should not be made

Okay, so Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson is actually a pretty charismatic guy. He just makes terrible, terrible, terrible movies so often that it's easy to forget that he has a moderate amount of talent. Not helping that statement is news from Variety, which reports that Dwayne is starring in Tomorrowland, some kind of future/space/whogivesacrap movie that is allegedly based on the Disney ride. It's been said before and it will be said again, just because Johnny Depp made Pirates of the Caribbean good does not mean that it was a good idea. (A) Pirates are inherently cool and (B) Depp went mental on the thing, resulting in awesomeness. Does anyone remember Haunted Mansion? No, well I do, because I saw the wretched, evil thing. It sat in my mind like a filthy worm, eating all the good thoughts away. Sci-fi films are often fun, and Dwayne should be doing more action-type movies (were this the 80s, the dude would have been bigger than human growth hormone spokesman Sly and man boob spokesman Arnold). I just hate it that something like $100 million will be invested in this crap and yet studios are shutting down smaller films. Worse is that, from a business standpoint, they're making the right decision. Sorry, I didn't think the Rock starring in a theme-park ride movie would turn so maudlin.

If you told me 10 years ago I would put MTV and "Fear of Flying" in the same sentence, I would have wept

So, is getting hot and heavy into this whole movie rumor business, which is good for me (more free sources, hooray!) but bad for actual information (Headline: Michael Caine confirms Depp and Hoffman for Batman 3; Fact: No, no he did not). Still, this one is more believable, the alleged news site claims that Diane English (whose The Women is currently setting the box office on, well it's making it, we'll it's breathing hot air on it) will next tackle Erica Jong's 1973 bestseller "Fear of Flying," a book that set off a strong feminist reaction with a plot about a woman who travels through Vienna porking tons of dudes. The book sold 20 million copies and, more importantly, coined the phrase "zipless f**k," which I simply do not use enough. English explains that the film will flashback to a time when "women couldn't even get a credit card on her own." Here's the thing: I want this to be a great movie. I want this to make an indelible statement about the state of feminism, applauding how far the movement has come and urging people regarding how much farther there is to go. However, I am not encouraged by English saying "It's kind of like the original Sex in the City." No, hell no. No it isn't. For those who don't know, my opinion of "Sex in the City" goes something like this: Every copy of every episode (and now the film) should be destroyed post haste before any other naive human is subjected to "independent women" who act like catty morons who are so materialistic and stupid that their lives are devoid of meaning without shopping and men (underlined by the film, wherein "Big" mentally abuses the shit out of Carrie before the two are reunited, as if to say "check it out, even when he craps on her, she still loves him.") I could continue, but let's just say that "Fear of Flying" is like "Sex in the City" in so far as there is sex in both. Beyond that and the fact that there are words involved, they are nothing alike. Should English turn "Fear" into "Sex in the City" she will be doing females a greater disservice than "The Women," which I though was impossible. Get your stuff together Diane, this one matters.
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