Quick clips for Tuesday September 23
After that Kiss Kiss you can Bang Bang all you want
My love for the Robert Downey Jr/Val Kilmer vehicle Kiss Kiss Bang Bang likely falls into what some therapists categorize as "pathological" or "perverse." You know, you make one shrine to a movie entirely out of bottle caps, butter, and fingernails and people start tossing around psychiatric terms. At any rate, I have to start preserving bodily waste to build my next statue, as Kiss Kiss writer/director Shane Black (who came to the Omaha Film Festival last year, so we'll refer to him as a "friend of the program" even though this isn't a program and I've never spoken to him). Variety reports that Black will direct Cold Warrior, which is based on a script by Chuck Mondry about a spy from the Cold War era who un-retires to teach a young agent how to deal with a threat from Russia. Okay, there are just so many things right with this that I have a tummy tingle like I was on a roller coaster. First off, Black directing anything is sweeter than snorting sugar cane. Second, if the question is "spy movie?" the answer is always "yes, please." Third, Russia gets to be a threat again?! For the love of Red Dawn that's awesome! In the grand order of villainous hordes it goes (1) the unquestioned holder of this position for eternity, The Nazis, (2) Stormtroopers/Klingons (depending on which side your nerd junk hangs), (3) Commies, and (4) Green Bay Packer fans. Now, so long as they don't cast Ashton Kutcher as the "new spy" and Kevin Costner as the "cold warrior" we're golden. I really wanted to make a "cold sore warrior" joke but I couldn't get it in there. So laugh at that anyway.
A post in which I will attempt to refrain from relentless Dick jokes
Speaking of Russkies, Timur Bekmambetov, who is best known to American audiences as the director of the violence orgy that was Wanted but is best known worldwide for his Nightwatch series, subscribes to the "more is more" theory of visual eye candy. Known for insane visuals that make little sense but give 13-year-olds their first non-self-induced pleasure, Bekmambetov fills the screen with beautiful nonsense...so it makes logical sense that his next movie would be Moby Dick. Nope, not joking, the guy best known for driving cars up the sides of buildings and bullets splattering cranium juice onto walls is doing the "Call me Ishmael" thing...only without Ishmael. Variety explains that Universal is paying Adam Cooper and Bill Collage to "reimagine" (there's that buzzword again...I give it four months before it makes me want to "reimagine" my lunch right into my toilet) the old whale tale. The first-person narrative is gone, the dickish whale will be shown savaging other ships, and Ahab will be butt-flossing crazy not merely obsessed. As Cooper is quoted "Our version isn't your grandfather's Moby Dick." Riiiight. First off, thank God it isn't my "grandfather's Moby Dick," I mean, I've been saying for years "if only the guys who wrote Accepted could reimagine one of the classic works of fiction. Second, what you mean by "reimagining" and "not your grandfather's Moby Dick" is actually "we are going to find a way to shoe-horn in as many relentless special effects as possible in an effort to get people to pay money to us." Why not pick another whale and start over? I'd go see Toby Prick.
You know what, just call me "Jim"
It is widely being reported across the interwebs that Quantum of Solace (which still sounds like the worst intestinal parasite ever) will be the first 007 film to do without the phrase "Bond, James Bond." On the one hand, a legion of fans are happy because the series is continuing to move in a more "dark" and "real" fashion. On the other, that's ridiculous. First off, I'll give you the "dark," which is so "in" right now that I'll be amazed if Saturday Morning cartoons don't take a turn for the grim ("Mommy, why is Dora the Explorer cutting herself?"). Second, "real" is not something that can enter the vocabulary of a film that has the stunts I've seen in the previews. "Real" is not something that a spy series even should attempt. "Real" spy shit is boring as hell. It's listening to hours of tapes and writing briefs...if you want a "real" Bond film, it will be called The Price of Paperwork. We know that this is ridiculous and, while I do love the more practical and more clever (meaning better written and less goofy) direction the franchise is taking, do we need to absolutely ditch every last shred of what makes the character identifiable and beloved? I remember the first time I heard "Bond, James Bond" or saw him drink a martini or flirt with Moneypenny or get a gadget from Q. I don't mind losing Q, that made sense, but why destroy all unique and cool aspects of 007? Soon will we get rid of the girls and see a gay Bond (actually, that would be pretty entertaining), a Bond that only swills beer, a Bond that totally hates that bitch Moneypenny? I'm just saying, reinvention is a necessity and I like what they're doing but I remember an adage about babies and bathwater that wasn't just a recipe for Jonathon Swift's stew.
My love for the Robert Downey Jr/Val Kilmer vehicle Kiss Kiss Bang Bang likely falls into what some therapists categorize as "pathological" or "perverse." You know, you make one shrine to a movie entirely out of bottle caps, butter, and fingernails and people start tossing around psychiatric terms. At any rate, I have to start preserving bodily waste to build my next statue, as Kiss Kiss writer/director Shane Black (who came to the Omaha Film Festival last year, so we'll refer to him as a "friend of the program" even though this isn't a program and I've never spoken to him). Variety reports that Black will direct Cold Warrior, which is based on a script by Chuck Mondry about a spy from the Cold War era who un-retires to teach a young agent how to deal with a threat from Russia. Okay, there are just so many things right with this that I have a tummy tingle like I was on a roller coaster. First off, Black directing anything is sweeter than snorting sugar cane. Second, if the question is "spy movie?" the answer is always "yes, please." Third, Russia gets to be a threat again?! For the love of Red Dawn that's awesome! In the grand order of villainous hordes it goes (1) the unquestioned holder of this position for eternity, The Nazis, (2) Stormtroopers/Klingons (depending on which side your nerd junk hangs), (3) Commies, and (4) Green Bay Packer fans. Now, so long as they don't cast Ashton Kutcher as the "new spy" and Kevin Costner as the "cold warrior" we're golden. I really wanted to make a "cold sore warrior" joke but I couldn't get it in there. So laugh at that anyway.
A post in which I will attempt to refrain from relentless Dick jokes
Speaking of Russkies, Timur Bekmambetov, who is best known to American audiences as the director of the violence orgy that was Wanted but is best known worldwide for his Nightwatch series, subscribes to the "more is more" theory of visual eye candy. Known for insane visuals that make little sense but give 13-year-olds their first non-self-induced pleasure, Bekmambetov fills the screen with beautiful nonsense...so it makes logical sense that his next movie would be Moby Dick. Nope, not joking, the guy best known for driving cars up the sides of buildings and bullets splattering cranium juice onto walls is doing the "Call me Ishmael" thing...only without Ishmael. Variety explains that Universal is paying Adam Cooper and Bill Collage to "reimagine" (there's that buzzword again...I give it four months before it makes me want to "reimagine" my lunch right into my toilet) the old whale tale. The first-person narrative is gone, the dickish whale will be shown savaging other ships, and Ahab will be butt-flossing crazy not merely obsessed. As Cooper is quoted "Our version isn't your grandfather's Moby Dick." Riiiight. First off, thank God it isn't my "grandfather's Moby Dick," I mean, I've been saying for years "if only the guys who wrote Accepted could reimagine one of the classic works of fiction. Second, what you mean by "reimagining" and "not your grandfather's Moby Dick" is actually "we are going to find a way to shoe-horn in as many relentless special effects as possible in an effort to get people to pay money to us." Why not pick another whale and start over? I'd go see Toby Prick.
You know what, just call me "Jim"
It is widely being reported across the interwebs that Quantum of Solace (which still sounds like the worst intestinal parasite ever) will be the first 007 film to do without the phrase "Bond, James Bond." On the one hand, a legion of fans are happy because the series is continuing to move in a more "dark" and "real" fashion. On the other, that's ridiculous. First off, I'll give you the "dark," which is so "in" right now that I'll be amazed if Saturday Morning cartoons don't take a turn for the grim ("Mommy, why is Dora the Explorer cutting herself?"). Second, "real" is not something that can enter the vocabulary of a film that has the stunts I've seen in the previews. "Real" is not something that a spy series even should attempt. "Real" spy shit is boring as hell. It's listening to hours of tapes and writing briefs...if you want a "real" Bond film, it will be called The Price of Paperwork. We know that this is ridiculous and, while I do love the more practical and more clever (meaning better written and less goofy) direction the franchise is taking, do we need to absolutely ditch every last shred of what makes the character identifiable and beloved? I remember the first time I heard "Bond, James Bond" or saw him drink a martini or flirt with Moneypenny or get a gadget from Q. I don't mind losing Q, that made sense, but why destroy all unique and cool aspects of 007? Soon will we get rid of the girls and see a gay Bond (actually, that would be pretty entertaining), a Bond that only swills beer, a Bond that totally hates that bitch Moneypenny? I'm just saying, reinvention is a necessity and I like what they're doing but I remember an adage about babies and bathwater that wasn't just a recipe for Jonathon Swift's stew.
posted by Ryan at
8:57 AM
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