Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Quick clips for Tuesday September 30

Right, but are we getting Henry V Kenneth Branagh or Wild, Wild West Kenneth Branagh?

Of all the Marvel Comics properties that will soon be assaulting the screen, none is as precariously perched as Thor. This isn't because a good Thor movie is impossible. On the contrary, you're talking about a big bearded dude wearing a hat with wings on the sides who carries a hammer and is prone to "smiting" things, how is that not a good time? The problem is that Marvel has committed itself to playing in the "same world" for all their new movies, which is why you see Iron Man and Hulk referencing Nick Fury and each other. Although it sounds weird to say when you put it like this, those aforementioned movies are "realistic," insofar as you can believe a guy could dress up in an armored suit or turn into a green Barry Bonds. So when you have Thor hopping around conversing with other Norse gods after crossing a rainbow bridge (I'm sensing a product placement for Skittles or Ellen) to journey to a magic land of frost giants and enchantresses, it's going to be hard to bite on the realism angle. The key is not to give a crap and to make the best version of Thor that can be made. Which is why Variety's news that the director with the biggest Shakespeare woody ever (Kenneth Branagh) is taking on the Fabio-looking (please God don't cast Fabio) warrior is so welcomed. If nothing else, Ken is used to dudes adding "ths" to the end of words and the occasional "verily," which is the total ridiculous language in which Thor speaks. Now, the key is going to be finding a guy who can bring some actual acting chops to the character but can also crush a beer keg with this man boobs but, really, isn't that what all women and some men are searching for?

You cannot make bigger f#$king robots than this

Michael Bay has finally graduated from the small, artistic films that he is used to creating, having explored his personal demons and purged them with public weeping, and is taking his latest, Transformers 2: Rise of the Fallen, to where giant robots have never been before: the big, big screen. After The Dark Knight proved that IMAX can be a big boost to box office, the Bayster has opted to take his Hasbro opus to the same heights. Speaking of which...come on Omaha, I know we've got one IMAX in Council Bluffs, but I already go there for dog races, last call, and penny slots, can't we have something cool?! The man of bats really did change things forever, as this type of filmmaking was on the precipice of not catching on. I'm one of those people who had never seen a regular flick on the giganto-screen and, guess what, it really is worth it. The crystal clear, super-imposing visuals combined with sound so rich that I heard tell that the speakers at the Iowa IMAX really did blow out made for an experience I couldn't have predicted. Now, this isn't going to make the Bayster's film make any more sense or improve the acting or whatnot, but it does mean you'll finally be able to peek inside of The Boof's nostrils, which is a dream of mine deferred for too long now.

What uncaring diety allows Kirsten Dunst to retain fame?

So Kirsten Dunst told MTV.com that she's in for at least Spiderman 4 (although they want to shoot 4 and 5 back-to-back to save money and to cash in before Tobey Maguire is 40). This news is met with a great roar of applause for the three people who still think that wet T-shirt scene in the first film warrants her continued inclusion. Here's the thing, as a character on screen, Mary Jane Watson has outlived her usefulness. I know that sounds crazy coming from a guy who has a framed drawing of Spidey and MJ at his house (before you ask, yes, I call the room it hangs in the "Den of Sexual Powers" because that picture is like Spanish Fly), but bear with me: as she has been depicted for the last three films, MJ has no place else to go storywise. She is a non-character, devoid of personality, existing only to be captured by the villain or pimp-slapped by an emo Peter Parker. Sadly, they blew their Gwen Stacy wad as well, using the beautiful Bryce Howard as a girl who fell out of a window and stuff in the last movie. In the comics, Peter's relationship with MJ took about 25 years to really develop (that's real time, in the comic time it was like a year or two...it's kind of like reverse warped dog years). In that interim, we saw him make gaffe after gaffe (he was a gaffe machine, gaffetastic really) with the ladies and, cooler than that, we saw him work through relationship ups and downs with multiple characters, some cool (Black Cat), some not (Betty Brant). Point is, Kirsten Dunst sucks, the character of MJ is now devoid of life, so get her out of there. Heck, bring her back briefly in 4, have them break up, have Pete move on for the rest of the film, then bring her back for 5. Do something more than have her turn into bait for the bad guy. And while you're at it (whoever "you" may be), get her teeth fixed. Them things are freaky.
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