Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Quick clips for Wednesday September 17

The news is so slow this week, Zach Galifianakis got an entire headline

Sorry to Galifianakis fans, this isn't going to have much to do with the bearded one and his offbeat brand of hipster comedy. This is actually a post about Nicole Kidman, who has the honor of recently being named the most overpaid actor in Hollywood (based on a return-on-dollars-invested ratio, which revealed for every dollar Kidman received, studios got half a pack of gum and a full can of tuna). In this the slowest of news months, Kidman's agreement to star in The Eighth Wonder, which hopes to capitalize on the void left in the adventure film world after National Treasure 2 staked its claim as the worst way to spend two hours that don't involve Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity. According to The Hollywood Reporter, the film will center on an "archaeological discovery" and (here's the best, most populous-whoring statement) "will be to Raiders of the Lost Ark what Bourne movies are to James Bond movies." Except that Raiders is one of the top 10 films of all time and Bourne was following two 007 movies that included Halle Berry and Denise Richards. Point is, without a script (the report says, no worries, "Simon Kinberg will write the script in the fall."), it's already failed. The more I think of it, Kinberg is a genius; he just sold a pitch for millions that consisted of "somebody finds something cool." I have to get an agent and start taking meetings, I can come up with those ideas. "What if, somebody talked to somebody they shouldn't have and found out something that will change everything." Pay me a million.

Jason Statham to star in movie that sounds like an accused pervert

According to, Jason Statham will take a break from being in movies directed by Uwe Boll and Paul WS Anderson (the two worst directors of anything, I'm talking worse than ex-felons who direct traffic around a construction site) to star in a movie written by David and Janet Peoples that sort of has something to do with Treasure of the Sierra Madre, which means that (according to today's press releases) every movie next year will involve treasure of some kind. The film is tentatively called The Grabbers, which is the worst title I've ever heard for something that isn't (A) a schlock horror film about toilet monsters, (B) soft-core porn on Skinemax, or (C) the secret service codename for Larry Craig. The thing about Statham is, he has a small range, but is so charismatic within that range that he needs to enjoy his time there...and maybe be a little less prolific. He's got Transporter 3 and Crank: High Voltage later this year...these works of art should represent an entire year's output, there's no need to sign up for anything else this year, okay Jason? As I say this, I'm pretty sure he just signed on to a Dane Cook movie.

You think I'm kidding about how un-newsworthy rumors are this week...check this out

Beverly Hills Ninja, a movie only successful (minutely successful) because people loved Chris Farley, is getting a sequel 11 years later. Oh yeah, this is happening. Variety reports that the film will begin shooting in South Korea next month, the first mainstream Hollywood movie to do so. Too...many...thoughts.

1.) I love that the first olive-branch extended to the film industry in South Korea is Beverly Hills Ninja 2. It was the third option, next to a 5-ton flaming pile of dog crap and Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

2.) Speaking of that cursed dog movie, if your movie starts with Beverly Hills, I'm not watching it. Know that now.

3.) David Hasselhoff is in this movie. I'm not kidding. So, if you're keeping track at home, that's a sequel to a marginally successful, decade-old movie, the star of which is dead, now featuring David Hasselhoff.

4.) This is not going direct-to-video. Sony is eyeing a May release. That's Summer blockbuster season. Forget the election, I'm starting a campaign to fight the release of this film. So help me God if it makes $4.00, I will take hostages.
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