Friday Free-For-All

Rest easy, knowing Jessica Alba will remain wealthy

(Before we begin, this is me cyber-pouring some of my 40 out on the sidewalk for the "in a world" movie voice guy.)

Coming this fall:
"In a world, where banks fall and nations crumble"
(Cut to shot of Wall Street broker crying, then the explosion of Alderan from the original Star Wars)
"There's only one group who can save us all"
(Cut to satellite view of United States, then zoom in to California, then to the Hollywood sign, then to the executives snorting cocaine off of the Hollywood sign)
"The last, best hope of civilization rests in the hands and fake breasts of those we've taken for granted."
(Cut to shot of Clooney, Pitt, Jolie, Theron, Barrymore, Zellweger, and the dog from Beverly Hills Chihuahua.)
"They are Recession-Proof(TM). Coming this fall from the people who spent $100 million on a remake of Poseidon."

The myth has been for decades that Hollywood is immune to the financial woes of the world, with Americans shelling out to escape whatever awfulness exists outside the theater by staying inside where they can believe anything is possible (like Adam Sandler banging Kate Beckinsale...seriously, what the hell was that). Defamer does a great job exposing that this myth is a bigger pile of bull than a stack of dead longhorns.

According to several reports, studios are sinking more than a half-billion dollars into movies for 2010 and 2011. In fact, Defamer contends that the industry may be setting itself up for a horrific crash. Consider the following from the well-thought-out analysis:

• After the stock market fell like a fat guy on "Hole in the Wall" in 1929, studios sunk tons of money into films. Yet, totals fell from 1930-1933 (38% in fact).
• Moreover, adjusted for inflation, last year's box office was $100 million less than the gross in 1931.
• With the looming labor strike potentially costing time and money and Internet, TV, and video games sapping audiences, is it possible that Recession-Proof(TM) will turn into a bust?

The jury is still out on whether the Hollywood apocalypse is finally upon us but, rest assured, if it is, we will send a cast of good-looking actors out in a spaceship to destroy whatever it was that threatened them. You can count on it.

Weekend Battle Plan: Russell Crowe now featuring 35% more Russell Crowe

Ridley Scott is 97 years old. Okay, I'm kidding, he's only 71, but it's not like that isn't impressive enough. Dude is cranking out action films when others are working on continence. His most recent effort, Body of Lies, also teams him with consummate professional Leonardo DiCaprio and the newly rotund Russell Crowe, who claimed to have gotten frisky with the ding-dongs in order to fatten up for a role. Then again, maybe I heard him wrong and he said he was fattening up to roll. Either way, this should easily be the most watched movie of the week and should tear the talking canine flick a new tiny anal cavity. The other releases...well...no one is saying that Ernie Davis (The Express) doesn't have an interesting story and that it isn't worth being told but, as I've been ranting about lately, the film doesn't really offer much that we can't already figure out. I'm waiting for the truly innovative based-on-a-true-story that attempts to breathe new visual life and creative storytelling approaches to the blah-blah-bland straight-forward endeavors. This doesn't mean I don't love you anymore Dennis Quaid. City of Ember could draw the family vote and, to be honest, looks kind of interesting to me. I mean, not interesting enough to really remember its existence when I'm asked about the weekend releases, but still, it's got Bill Murray (who made the funniest joke of the night on the "SNL: Election Special" last night. The other release is Quarantine, which will be met with a moderate amount of excitement from horror fans looking to spend money on something before Saw 12 comes out. I'm sure it's a perfectly innocuous bloody-gore fest, but the zombie thing needs to die down so that some life (ha-ha) can be injected into it again with World War Z. So, all in all, it's time to give the fatman your money.

That's my recommendation: See Body of Lies with the remaining coins you have that weren't invested in Lehman Brothers.

On DVD: If you want to laugh yourself into a coma, check out The Happening, which is the single funniest movie that wasn't intentionally a comedy (or maybe it was, I'm really curious to see if Shyamalan copped to making a parody yet). Come for the strangest offer of hot dogs ever in a movie, stay for Mark Wahlberg running away from wind. Both of these things honestly do happen. If you want, you know, a good movie, rent The Visitor. It's a sweet tale of a guy who builds a relationship with two illegal immigrants and may get the dad from Six Feet Under an Oscar nomination. Though, if it were me, I'd just invent a drinking game with The Happening based around the number of ominous shots of shrubbery.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

I won't lie, I really want to "win" a week at this. Now, I know I'm playing against no one but myself and that no one in the world considers this blog to be an actual forecast of what will happen but, COME ON! I really am trying here. I feel like a weatherman who is constantly wrong or, as I like to call them, weathermen. I really want to do well this week and there are still a number of crazy factors: (A) How will the GD Chihuahuas hold over?; (B) Has anyone heard of City of Ember?; (C) Will audiences seek out Quarantine for their horror thrills (or will they stick with the talking dog movie)? Who knows?! This is crazy?! (For the record, I found out yesterday through the Lyons-Mirror Sun in Decatur/Lyons Nebraska that the term for a question mark followed by an exclamation point is an "interrobang," which sounds dirty). Okay, enough stalling. Here's how I see it:

1.) Body of Lies - $24 million

This could be a little low, as American Gangster opened even higher and had less action in it and a longer running time. People are scared to go spend money or this would be a huge, huge hit, so this seems like a safe number to debut at. If it goes lower, hang on to your hats because not even Leonardo DiCaprio can save our financial crisis.

2.) Beverly Hills Chihuahua - $18 million

This movie will have done $50 million after this weekend. The stock market crumbles and this is what you choose to spend your dollars on. No wonder we're doomed.

3.) The Express - $12 million

Strong enough word of mouth and a feel good story could push this Denny Q flick into the top 3. It's the football season and, with so many teams (like my college teams) already dead, maybe it will be nice for people to root for someone they know won't lose.

4.) Quarantine - $11 million

Here's where things get dicey (as usual) for me. I don't know what to do with Eagle Eye, Quarantine, and City of Ember. I'm thinking more people will want to see a horror movie than Eagle Eye again and that nobody has heard of City of Ember. Much like a weird sensation in your tummy you want to release but you're in public, this is a gamble.

5.) Eagle Eye - $10 million

Come on "Boof," beat Bill Murray just this once and let me finally, finally get all top 5 films in my top 5. You know you want to.