Friday Free-For-All
Brad Pitt in a Trojan...role
I've got a crazy Odyssean fetish, which sounds way more perverse than it actually is. Having taken a Greek drama class in college (the most fun you can have with myths that don't involve electoral math), it pleases me to no small end that director George Miller is planning to adapt "The Odyssey" with Brad Pitt as his Odysseus (according to Variety). Oh, and did I mention that it would be set in space? Because it will. Now, while the cynics among you may lament this twist, I bet you're the same sad SOBs that wouldn't clap to bring tinkerbell back. So, you fairy-killing freaks, allow me to point out why this works. First, space is inherently (and this is a technical term here) "wicked awesome." See, the original story involved a one-eyed cyclops, man-luring sirens (if the trio of Scarlett Johansson, Natalie Portman, and Megan Fox aren't cast, mankind is doomed), and a witch named Calypso...so, yeah, realism was never a high point for the story. Second, this is one of the most rich and layered stories of all time (second only to "Beowulf" and "The Man from Nantucket"). Third, in a society that's willing to remake sitcoms from the 70s, every British television show ever made, and movies that came out just a few years ago (I'm looking at you Incredible Hulk), why not commit to remaking something with actual merit? What I'm saying is, pish-posh this all you want to, I'm jazzed like an elderly aerobics class.
Weekend Battle Plan: Sick of political TV ads? Howsabout a political movie?!
Hands down the most intriguing entry of the weekend is W. Whether or not you want to see it is immaterial, it is gripping and fascinating simply by existing. Yes, Oliver Stone rushed to make this; yes, it is clearly exploiting the time in America when politics is so prevalent my Grandmother made disparaging comments about my affiliations; yes, we've seen so many takes on Doublya that his voice may have replaced Borat's as the most imitated. Still, are you not totally intrigued to see a film that attempts to explain how the hell this rube became a world leader...TWICE?! I mean, Fillmore proved anybody could be president once, but two terms takes some doin'. Really, this is just wrestling with rich and obvious subtexts: Father vs son, Republican vs Democrat, man vs pretzel (you almost forgot about that, didn't you?). The only other movies opening this week involve a dude trying to get it on with a chick he meets on the Internet (Sex Drive), which has inexplicably gotten good buzz, and Max Payne, in which Mark Wahlberg further tries to urinate on the goodwill that he accumulated with The Departed. Seriously, you rip off the back story for "The Punisher" (a guy avenging his murdered wife and kids) and set it in slow-motion, double-gun toting jumps and think people will care? Pffft, what do you think this is 1994? If you're going out this weekend, treat your brain.
That's My Recommendation: Go see W, because I swear on all that is holy if you make that motherhorking Chihuahua movie number one again I will find your asses.
On DVD: I am not legally allowed (by my inner child) to recommend anything other than Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Oh yes, there are many things to whine about in this movie. You can pick it apart like a vulture on roadkill or, you can do what I do, and just eat the roadkill...I MEAN love the movie for what is right about it. That smirk, that scene when Indy reunites with Marion, the big bug scene, the crack of the whip, and lots more. Why not just enjoy yourself?
Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions
If you're keeping score at home, it's Soulless Dogs - 2, Ryan - 0. In the last two weeks, I have been so off in my predictions that a cocktail-fueled dart toss could yield better results. Still, you're getting this for free and, unless you have money riding on some obscure box office fight club I don't know about, my predictions mean nothing anyway. That said, ooh man do I want to be right this time. I want to be right more than I want anything other than a Bears victory and a full night's sleep. Is W going to fascinate the country as much as it does me? Is Max Payne a shoo-in for number one? Are you irresponsible asshats going to see the effing Chihuahua movie again? Let's find out.
Here's how I see it:
1.) Max Payne - $19 million
Okay, before I get into the explanation (actually, that only takes a second - it's a supernatural-themed action movie, those always open decently), let's talk about Mark Wahlberg. I thought he was a cool guy, but then he did The Happening and this turd, plus he bagged on what was a hilarious sketch featuring him talking to animals on "SNL." How is that not funny? It isn't even particularly mean and apparently, you're a douche, so it could have been. Enjoy your number one opening, this movie will collapse next week.
2.) W - $12 million
This could be a surprise hit...or it could go the way of most Oliver Stone movies and become a curiously watchable catastrophe. Either way, how could you not want to rush out and see this? What, do you hate America?
3.) Beverly Hills Chihuahua - $11 million
So help me, God...so help me, God.
4.) The Secret Life of Bees - $7 million
The long-awaited Latifah/Fanning/Keys union is upon us! Hooray! No, in all seriousness this looks to be a very sweet endeavor and there's no reason to think it won't find a little audience. It may have legs as well. Not literally, that would be weird.
5.) Sex Drive - $6 million
Look, this could be anything. Again, it could be Body of Lies or Quarantine but I'm betting in today's climate people would rather watch humping than murder but that is the greatest moral question of our time, isn't it?
I've got a crazy Odyssean fetish, which sounds way more perverse than it actually is. Having taken a Greek drama class in college (the most fun you can have with myths that don't involve electoral math), it pleases me to no small end that director George Miller is planning to adapt "The Odyssey" with Brad Pitt as his Odysseus (according to Variety). Oh, and did I mention that it would be set in space? Because it will. Now, while the cynics among you may lament this twist, I bet you're the same sad SOBs that wouldn't clap to bring tinkerbell back. So, you fairy-killing freaks, allow me to point out why this works. First, space is inherently (and this is a technical term here) "wicked awesome." See, the original story involved a one-eyed cyclops, man-luring sirens (if the trio of Scarlett Johansson, Natalie Portman, and Megan Fox aren't cast, mankind is doomed), and a witch named Calypso...so, yeah, realism was never a high point for the story. Second, this is one of the most rich and layered stories of all time (second only to "Beowulf" and "The Man from Nantucket"). Third, in a society that's willing to remake sitcoms from the 70s, every British television show ever made, and movies that came out just a few years ago (I'm looking at you Incredible Hulk), why not commit to remaking something with actual merit? What I'm saying is, pish-posh this all you want to, I'm jazzed like an elderly aerobics class.
Weekend Battle Plan: Sick of political TV ads? Howsabout a political movie?!
Hands down the most intriguing entry of the weekend is W. Whether or not you want to see it is immaterial, it is gripping and fascinating simply by existing. Yes, Oliver Stone rushed to make this; yes, it is clearly exploiting the time in America when politics is so prevalent my Grandmother made disparaging comments about my affiliations; yes, we've seen so many takes on Doublya that his voice may have replaced Borat's as the most imitated. Still, are you not totally intrigued to see a film that attempts to explain how the hell this rube became a world leader...TWICE?! I mean, Fillmore proved anybody could be president once, but two terms takes some doin'. Really, this is just wrestling with rich and obvious subtexts: Father vs son, Republican vs Democrat, man vs pretzel (you almost forgot about that, didn't you?). The only other movies opening this week involve a dude trying to get it on with a chick he meets on the Internet (Sex Drive), which has inexplicably gotten good buzz, and Max Payne, in which Mark Wahlberg further tries to urinate on the goodwill that he accumulated with The Departed. Seriously, you rip off the back story for "The Punisher" (a guy avenging his murdered wife and kids) and set it in slow-motion, double-gun toting jumps and think people will care? Pffft, what do you think this is 1994? If you're going out this weekend, treat your brain.
That's My Recommendation: Go see W, because I swear on all that is holy if you make that motherhorking Chihuahua movie number one again I will find your asses.
On DVD: I am not legally allowed (by my inner child) to recommend anything other than Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Oh yes, there are many things to whine about in this movie. You can pick it apart like a vulture on roadkill or, you can do what I do, and just eat the roadkill...I MEAN love the movie for what is right about it. That smirk, that scene when Indy reunites with Marion, the big bug scene, the crack of the whip, and lots more. Why not just enjoy yourself?
Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions
If you're keeping score at home, it's Soulless Dogs - 2, Ryan - 0. In the last two weeks, I have been so off in my predictions that a cocktail-fueled dart toss could yield better results. Still, you're getting this for free and, unless you have money riding on some obscure box office fight club I don't know about, my predictions mean nothing anyway. That said, ooh man do I want to be right this time. I want to be right more than I want anything other than a Bears victory and a full night's sleep. Is W going to fascinate the country as much as it does me? Is Max Payne a shoo-in for number one? Are you irresponsible asshats going to see the effing Chihuahua movie again? Let's find out.
Here's how I see it:
1.) Max Payne - $19 million
Okay, before I get into the explanation (actually, that only takes a second - it's a supernatural-themed action movie, those always open decently), let's talk about Mark Wahlberg. I thought he was a cool guy, but then he did The Happening and this turd, plus he bagged on what was a hilarious sketch featuring him talking to animals on "SNL." How is that not funny? It isn't even particularly mean and apparently, you're a douche, so it could have been. Enjoy your number one opening, this movie will collapse next week.
2.) W - $12 million
This could be a surprise hit...or it could go the way of most Oliver Stone movies and become a curiously watchable catastrophe. Either way, how could you not want to rush out and see this? What, do you hate America?
3.) Beverly Hills Chihuahua - $11 million
So help me, God...so help me, God.
4.) The Secret Life of Bees - $7 million
The long-awaited Latifah/Fanning/Keys union is upon us! Hooray! No, in all seriousness this looks to be a very sweet endeavor and there's no reason to think it won't find a little audience. It may have legs as well. Not literally, that would be weird.
5.) Sex Drive - $6 million
Look, this could be anything. Again, it could be Body of Lies or Quarantine but I'm betting in today's climate people would rather watch humping than murder but that is the greatest moral question of our time, isn't it?
posted by Ryan at
8:40 AM
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