Friday, October 31, 2008

Friday Free-For-All


Those who know me know that I think Superman is a dill-hole. Were I given the opportunity, I may, in fact, tug on his cape and inform him that, to me, he holds all the appeal of a documentary on tire inflation. At least 99.99% of his appearances are downright bore-tastic, allowing only for Grant Morrison's recent run on "All-Star Superman," which went in an awesome sci-fi direction and (most importantly) weakened the character, and the novel "It's Superman!," which was a semi-satirical and totally original take on the character (who was, you guessed it, much weaker). The problem to me, a guy who has "made mine Marvel" for ages, is that I can't relate to a guy who is a literal alien; cannot be harmed in any way by anything save for one green rock; and can fly, can run fast, has impossible strength, can shoot heat from his eyes and ice from his breath, and can probably create black holes with his flatulence. He's boring in his impossible perfection. This is a long way of getting to Empire's conversation with Mark Millar, who is under the delusion that someone cares what he thinks about the next Superman movie. He basically says that he's trying to get a simultaneously shot trilogy that would be released in three consecutive years (like Lord of the Rings) and would follow the entire lifespan of Superman from being the last surviving son of Krypton to being the last surviving son of Earth. It would span centuries and would zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Sorry, nodded off there. What Millar doesn't understand is (A) that sounds really, really boring; (B) nobody is going to greenlight a trilogy of Superman than ends with his death; (C) WE DON'T NEED ANOTHER ORIGIN STORY FOR SUPERMAN. Seriously, come on people, who doesn't know the origin of Superman? Anybody? There are Aborigines in Australia who have never seen the modern world before who know his story. If not, watch as I do it in 20 words or less: When planet Krypton exploded, a baby was sent to earth, where he developed powers thanks to the yellow sun. The end. IF you HAVE to do another Superman movie, forget the boring-ass origin and get to the action. Read Morrison's "All-Star Superman" and tell me why THAT isn't being developed RIGHT NOW. Millar, I love you dude, but come the eff on.

Weekend Battle Plan: Come on, you know you love pornography

I went on and on about my affection for Kevin Smith in a post not too long ago, so I wont rehash it. Sufficed to say that I love the big guy and think that Zack and Miri Make a Porno represents perhaps the best chance for him to begin the second stage of his career, whereby he shrugs off the chains he put on himself by wedging his expansive posterior into a repetitive machine capable of only producing predictable results. Working with a guy like Rogen, who fits Smith's mold but also allows him to be challenged a bit, means that the writer/director will be forced to shake his patterns up. I'm hoping that the overwhelmingly positive response will encourage Smith to continue down that road, until he finally seizes the immense talent he has yet to explore. Whew, now that the serious shiznit is over, let's talk about the crap that's gettin' dumped this week: The Haunting of Molly Hartley (girl's parents sell her soul to the devil to save her life, when she turns 18 the debt comes due) looks as appetizing as a caramel-flavored enema, RockNRolla (Guy Ritchie's latest Snatch rehash) was interesting the first 3 times Guy Ritchie made this same movie, and The Changeling (Angelina Jolie as a mom whose kid is stolen and the one returned by police isn't hers) is getting awful reviews because it looks awful. So, your options seem pretty obvious (unless you're into the whole caramel enema thing).

That's my recommendation: See Zack and Miri Make a Porno, you know you want to.

On DVD: Wow, crappy week for new DVD, so let's talk about classic horror movies to check out. When I was a kid during Halloween, MTV used to run this series of clips from horror movies that featured interviews with luminaries like John Carpenter and Sam Raimi (and many others). I remember watching the "possessed hand" scene from Evil Dead 2 and laughing like crazy...before watching clips of The Shining and wanting to cry. Horror is an overlooked genre that gets crapped on because the execs dump out doo-doo like Saw V. Use this weekend to rent something horror-oriented and good, like Hellraiser or 28 Days Later or the original Dawn of the Dead. You'll be glad you did.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

That music you hear playing isn't just my "We are the Champions" ringtone, it's me singing along with it. See, last week, I straight-up KILLED IT with my predictions, clocking in at a remarkable 84%, a B average only dreamed about by Republican presidential candidates (seriously, what's with McCain and Bush sporting a solid C-to-D average, that's a percentage more troubling than the amount of time they vote together). This week, we have a few new releases that are hard to peg but, by God, pegged they shall be! I should warn you now, this being the final weekend before the election, I'm going to be sweating bullets and anxiously awaiting the results (of the election, not the box office). That said, let's get predictin'.

Here's how I see it:

1.) High School Musical 3: Senior Year - $19 million

I want so badly for Smith to get the top spot, but I just don't think that can happen. This not being the summer, kids have had to wait to see the latest singing, dancing abomination until the weekend, which should keep the box office high enough to win the weekend. Rest assured, I'd rather be wrong and have this slip behind Zack and Miri (haha, get it "slip behind"), but I don't think it will.

2.) Zack and Miri Make a Porno - $17 million

I'm hoping I'm also shorting the dollar total on this one. No Kevin Smith movie has ever topped over the $50 million mark, and I'd sure like to see him do that with this one. He's a profitable director, always returning on his minimal investment. Still, I want a home run on this one. For the love of God people, I know you like pornography, now get out there and support it.

3.) Saw V - $12 million

It's Halloween, so I guess you could be forgiven for seeing a horror movie. I mean, I won't forgive you for seeing THIS horror movie but, in theory, it's acceptable. Also, if you see this, you're advocating Saw 12. Just saying.

4.) The Changeling - $10 million

I just can't see this doing incredibly well, there's no good buzz around it, it looks terrible, and the main audience for this isn't likely to pack theaters in the first wide opening weekend. The older crowd is a slow burn, like hemorrhoids, but this looks to be all wet.

5.) The Haunting of Molly Hartley - $9 million

This is the true wild card of the weekend, with it being Halloween. I doubt it will do huge money, but it could do better than this. Once again, I feel confident with the top 5 but not with their order. Here's hoping I get a pleasant treat for Halloween.
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