Thursday, November 13, 2008

Quick clips for Thursday November 13

Monopoly is happening whether you like it or not

Much like that supercollider that they fired up without giving a wet sparrow fart whether or not it would kill us all, nobody cares what effect the creation of movies based on board games are going to have on us. Laugh now, but we're going to be giving birth to three-headed babies that can burn things with their mind after we're all subjected to crap like Monopoly: The Movie. Word on the street is that Ridley Scott will be directing this impending abomination and wants to take it in a sci-fi direction, which makes about as much sense as anything you would do with Monopoly really. It's not like board-game enthusiasts will be crying foul over the slipshod portrayal of Baltic Ave. How "characters" or "plot" will figure in has yet to be determined, but so long as we get a new version of Monopoly to play, I'm happy. At last count, there are 2.7 million different versions of that game (I'm pretty sure that there's a Cubs version that you just keep playing forever without winning...wait, that's just Monopoly). The only real question remaining is whether or not the movie can wrap itself up before the audience turns to one another and says "wanna just call it a tie and play Boggle." Now, make Boggle: The Movie and you have box office and critical gold (I'm holding out for Natalie Portman to play the letter S).

Nerd squared

So you're Simon Pegg (not really, that would be weird) and you just wrapped up playing Scottie in Star Trek. So, if nothing else, you'll have a lifetime of conventions and middle-aged, slightly malformed groupies to look forward to. But now you're thinking, "I've made a zombie comedy and a franchise science-fiction picture, not to mention did a movie directed by David Schwimmer, what else can I do to solidify my place on Nerd Rushmore that doesn't involve somehow re-virginizing myself?" Answer: Get your buddy Nick Frost, from Hot Fuzz, Shaun of the Dead, and, most importantly, "Spaced," to star with you in Paul a movie about two guys on their way to a comic convention that discover a small alien named Paul. Wow, that's taking things to a whole new level of geek. That's like one small rung below posting on a Star Trek forum or writing fan fiction where Bones and Kirk finally break through the obvious subtext and get it on. Seriously though, troves could be written about the amazing comic timing of this duo and, just being honest here, if they announced that their next movie was a line-by-line reading of "A Purpose Driven Life," I'd still consider seeing it. What I really think they should do at some point is consider some kind of weird, bizarro take on Abbot and Costello. No joking, I think it would work...at least better than the Farrelly Brothers doing The Three Stooges.

How do you say "my bad" in Ozian?

Loyal blog readers (okay fine, loyal blog reader) will remember my grumpusing about the CGI remake of Wizard of Oz. That's because I'm a judgmental, simple-minded person. I forgot two important facts: (1) There are 12 books in the "Oz" series, they're public domain (so the price is right...free), and Hollywood has a boner for fantasy these days...meaning it was going to be remade at some point anyway and (2) it could actually be cool (the books were actually cooler than the movie, I read them when I was a...hey, enough stuff that makes me sound dorkier than adult-sized underoos). Evidence of this second point was hammered home to me by Aintitcool.com, who had images like this one to prove their case:



If they somehow manage to walk that fine line between magic fantasy and spooky fantasy (with a touch of sad fantasy)...without turning into Return to Oz (which still haunts my dreams), they may just have something incredible here. The concept art up on the site is really pitch perfect, but I feel like this is one where the wrong voice choices could result in catastrophe. I'm going to just toss out a good answer and a bad answer for each character off the top of my head:

Wicked witch - Bad answer: Cloris Leachman; Good answer: Glenn Close
Glenda - Bad answer: Renee Zellwegger; Good answer: Kristen Chenowith
Scarecrow - Bad answer: Ashton Kutcher; Good answer: Michael Cera
Lion - Bad answer: Jack Black (or Robin Williams, either way); Good answer: Paul Rudd
Tin Man - Bad answer: Will Smith; Good answer: John Hamm
Dorothy - Bad answer: Drew Barrymore; Good answer: Dakota Fanning

That's my first go-round, which only proves I think about this shit way too much.
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