Quick clips for Thursday November 20
Another reboot in your ass
The first two X-Men movies were pretty good (the first one being okay, and the second one giving me a nerd chubby); the third one was so, so bad (RATNER! - I'm making the executive decision to turn his name into a curse word). So what do you do when you kill a franchise? Start a new one? No, that's just for suckers and creative people. You reboot the old one by "reimagining it" and asking everyone who paid for the first three to "pretend that didn't happen." The latest game of "got yer nose" will be played by Josh Schwartz, who created "Chuck" (yay!) and "Gossip Girl" (boo!). He is penning a script for X-Men: First Class that will potentially include Iceman, Rogue, Angel, Colossus, Jubilee, and Shadowcat, who are basically the bratty teenagers of the gang. Yipee, another movie targeted to a demographic before consideration is given to quality of storytelling or, you know, ideas and stuff! Another theory holds that they may focus on "interesting" characters as teenagers, like Cyclops and Jean Grey. What's interesting is that Wolverine has now been banished to his own (likely awful) movie series, which means the X-gang will have to survive without the one character who has made them the most popular. Seriously, did anyone show up to the X-Men premiere dressed as Jubilee?
It takes so little to count as news these days
Once again, slow news day, which means we go to the age-old (at least years old) well of speculating about an Arrested Development movie, which excites some people somewhere so much that people talk the shit out of it without ever having any actual "facts" or "information." The latest gossip queen is producer Ron Howard, who gave an interview for "Maxim" (relax, he doesn't take any of the "it's not nudity if you don't see nipple" pictures) and started talking about how promising it looks...despite not having a script...or contracts with actors...or a time frame...or any concrete evidence other than some people somewhere seem to be excited about it. I admit, it was one of those series I always meant to watch and never did and I really don't feel all that bad about it because, apparently, if I did watch it and enjoy it, I would spend every waking minute dreaming of a movie that will likely never, ever happen and look for glimmers of hopes in Opie's face. Still, I know that there are those of you out there for whom such activities are now the backbone of your existence, so, with that in mind, here is your hope:
And now (just because): 25 Things I'd Rather Do Than See Twilight
1.) Wash my car, not just using a rag and soapy water in 30-degree weather, but with my tongue while wearing only circa-1986 "I heard it through the grapevine" California Raisins underoos.
2.) Watch an all day marathon of "Hannah Montana" without the benefits of hallucinogens or blindness.
3.) Discuss politics with family members, some of whom are among the 13% who think Bush is doing a "totally awesome job."
4.) Make out with Kevin Costner.
5.) Tell people I've made out with Kevin Costner.
6.) Eat clam chowder from the new restaurant "Floyd's Year-Old Milk Product Cafe."
7.) Be forced to make small talk with Ryan Seacrest (sample conversation: "So, hair products then?")
8.) Write an episode of "Two and a Half Men."
9.) Watch an episode of "Two and a Half Men."
10.) Learn to lambada ("the forbidden dance") with a first-degree relative.
11.) Listen to a whole Jessica Simpson song.
12.) Re-categorize my CD collection according to the colors on the album cover.
13.) Publicly defend NASCAR.
14.) Invent a new language consisting only of variations in the tone of armpit farts.
15.) Set foot in a Hot Topic.
16.) Balance the federal budget while Gilbert Gottfried and Carrot Top stand on either side of me telling "jokes."
17.) Watch an all-day marathon of "Sex and the City" with the friends of the people who claim to have friends "just like that."
18.) Transcribe the Koran into Klingon.
19.) Ask Tom Cruise to "convince me that Scientology rules."
20.) Have a conversation lasting more than 20 seconds with any contestant on the following: "The Bachelor," "The Bachelorette," "Rock of Love," "Bang Tila Tequila," "Real Chance at Love," "Charm School," "Flavor of Love," "I Love New York," and "Wipeout."
21.) Explain basic algebra to any Lohan.
22.) Reprogram my car radio to only receive "Hannity" and "Limbaugh."
23.) Get a tattoo of Brett Favre.
24.) Gamble my life savings on a game of Euchre.
25.) Actually read one of the God-forsaken, amateurish books that Twilight was based on and explain to the legion of she-fans why this writing is, in fact, wretched.
The first two X-Men movies were pretty good (the first one being okay, and the second one giving me a nerd chubby); the third one was so, so bad (RATNER! - I'm making the executive decision to turn his name into a curse word). So what do you do when you kill a franchise? Start a new one? No, that's just for suckers and creative people. You reboot the old one by "reimagining it" and asking everyone who paid for the first three to "pretend that didn't happen." The latest game of "got yer nose" will be played by Josh Schwartz, who created "Chuck" (yay!) and "Gossip Girl" (boo!). He is penning a script for X-Men: First Class that will potentially include Iceman, Rogue, Angel, Colossus, Jubilee, and Shadowcat, who are basically the bratty teenagers of the gang. Yipee, another movie targeted to a demographic before consideration is given to quality of storytelling or, you know, ideas and stuff! Another theory holds that they may focus on "interesting" characters as teenagers, like Cyclops and Jean Grey. What's interesting is that Wolverine has now been banished to his own (likely awful) movie series, which means the X-gang will have to survive without the one character who has made them the most popular. Seriously, did anyone show up to the X-Men premiere dressed as Jubilee?
It takes so little to count as news these days
Once again, slow news day, which means we go to the age-old (at least years old) well of speculating about an Arrested Development movie, which excites some people somewhere so much that people talk the shit out of it without ever having any actual "facts" or "information." The latest gossip queen is producer Ron Howard, who gave an interview for "Maxim" (relax, he doesn't take any of the "it's not nudity if you don't see nipple" pictures) and started talking about how promising it looks...despite not having a script...or contracts with actors...or a time frame...or any concrete evidence other than some people somewhere seem to be excited about it. I admit, it was one of those series I always meant to watch and never did and I really don't feel all that bad about it because, apparently, if I did watch it and enjoy it, I would spend every waking minute dreaming of a movie that will likely never, ever happen and look for glimmers of hopes in Opie's face. Still, I know that there are those of you out there for whom such activities are now the backbone of your existence, so, with that in mind, here is your hope:
And now (just because): 25 Things I'd Rather Do Than See Twilight
1.) Wash my car, not just using a rag and soapy water in 30-degree weather, but with my tongue while wearing only circa-1986 "I heard it through the grapevine" California Raisins underoos.
2.) Watch an all day marathon of "Hannah Montana" without the benefits of hallucinogens or blindness.
3.) Discuss politics with family members, some of whom are among the 13% who think Bush is doing a "totally awesome job."
4.) Make out with Kevin Costner.
5.) Tell people I've made out with Kevin Costner.
6.) Eat clam chowder from the new restaurant "Floyd's Year-Old Milk Product Cafe."
7.) Be forced to make small talk with Ryan Seacrest (sample conversation: "So, hair products then?")
8.) Write an episode of "Two and a Half Men."
9.) Watch an episode of "Two and a Half Men."
10.) Learn to lambada ("the forbidden dance") with a first-degree relative.
11.) Listen to a whole Jessica Simpson song.
12.) Re-categorize my CD collection according to the colors on the album cover.
13.) Publicly defend NASCAR.
14.) Invent a new language consisting only of variations in the tone of armpit farts.
15.) Set foot in a Hot Topic.
16.) Balance the federal budget while Gilbert Gottfried and Carrot Top stand on either side of me telling "jokes."
17.) Watch an all-day marathon of "Sex and the City" with the friends of the people who claim to have friends "just like that."
18.) Transcribe the Koran into Klingon.
19.) Ask Tom Cruise to "convince me that Scientology rules."
20.) Have a conversation lasting more than 20 seconds with any contestant on the following: "The Bachelor," "The Bachelorette," "Rock of Love," "Bang Tila Tequila," "Real Chance at Love," "Charm School," "Flavor of Love," "I Love New York," and "Wipeout."
21.) Explain basic algebra to any Lohan.
22.) Reprogram my car radio to only receive "Hannity" and "Limbaugh."
23.) Get a tattoo of Brett Favre.
24.) Gamble my life savings on a game of Euchre.
25.) Actually read one of the God-forsaken, amateurish books that Twilight was based on and explain to the legion of she-fans why this writing is, in fact, wretched.
posted by Ryan at
8:55 AM
1 Comments:
You forgot to mention "scoop your eyes out with a grapefruit spoon". If I had such a tool last weekend, I would be blind right now---and thankful for it. :)
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