Quick clips for Tuesday November 18

Did we say "romantic comedy?" We meant "ninja pornography."


I simply do not know why we don't hear more of this kind of chicanery: Variety is reporting that Paramount greenlit an urban crime drama called Inland Saints and attached Joel "Nipples on the Batsuit" Schumacher to direct it (bad idea number 1). The project was originally called Fix and was about a gang leader who falls in love with the daughter of the detective trying to bring him down (bad idea number 2...seriously rent Romeo Must Die and then reconsider what you're doing to this world). Now, here comes the most awesome part. As of today, Fix turned Inland Saints is now an action horror film set in a small town desert and (my favorite part, note the direct quote) "plot details are still being hashed out." Wow. Just...wow. How awesome is that? Too. Many. Jokes.


Joke number one: This is akin to showing up for English class and having your teacher ask "How did you like Jane Eyre?" To which you respond, "I really liked the part when the terminator was sent back in time to kill Sarah Connor." To which she replies, "That didn't happen in the book I assigned." To which you respond, "Yeah, well, we did a rewrite."


Joke number two: I imagine the following conversation. Executive - "I've come to see how the urban crime drama that will feature a singer-turned-actress and a gritty-rapper-turned-actor is coming. We've got a soundtrack to sell!" Writer/producer - "Um, right now we're casting the werewolf." Executive - "Say what?!" Writer/producer - "But the soundtrack will still have Usher on it." Executive - "Carry on."


Joke number three: Joel Schumacher.


Joke number four: We should try this bait and switch more often! National Treasure 3 is now going to actually be an adaptation of "Atlas Shrugged."


I'm done now.


This is not real

No less than 6 (no lie, 6) of the sites I trust very, very strongly have run the following picture:

They all seem to acknowledge the awful, awful photoshop hack that this is but seem divided over whether this is at least some kind of test for what Johnny Depp will look like as the Mad Hatter in Alice in Wonderland. While not surprising, I really, really, really hope this is total and utter crap. Mainly because it is so incredibly derivative and awful that it looks like a pissed off art student from community college designed it. Too. Many. Jokes.

Joke number one: Man, the new Depesche Mode album is going to suck.

Joke number two: Helena Bonham Carter has really let herself go.

Joke number three: Tim Burton.

Joke number four: "Dude, if you photoshop the rabbit into the side of the painting, everybody's going to notice. Plus, what's with his hands, can you even get your hands to do that? And what's holding that stuff around his head, a cumberbun? Nobody is going to believe this and everyone will laugh at you. Don't send it to major movie news outlets."

I'm done now.

A post pontificating the pontification of Twilight

I've been told that the angst I display when considering the box office results is amusing. It isn't, assholes, it's real, tangible pain that causes me to listen to shitty music and contemplate how nobody understands me...which brings me to Twilight, a movie championed by the smelly kids who like crappy writing and T-Shirts that say things like "If you're reading this, I'll stab you in the trachea." Chud.com has an interesting consideration of what the hell is happening with this movie. Basically, the debate is whether we believe insane tracking numbers (which have gone as high as a $60 million opening weekend), reports of sold-out midnight shows across the country (always a sign of a huge first weekend frame), and feverish posts and other random indications that women in particular (the holy grail of the box office, just ask Titanic) are super juiced to see this...or if it's all Snakes on a Plane Internet overhype. It will probably be somewhere in between, clocking a respectable $40 million and having okay follow-up business (don't hold me to that, I have way, way, way more research to do before I make any wagers). But the whole thing just seems so ridiculous. Admittedly, I haven't read the books, but the movie looks so incredibly generic that I don't know how it can have this rabid of a following. This leads me to the last stretch:

Joke number one: These teenaged hornballs apparently don't actually consummate much (so as to keep parents okay with things, as though the parents who are cool with the kids reading vampire-romance novels give a crap about that part). However, when considering whether to dry hump a werewolf or dry hump a vampire, the crucial thing to remember is that they're both fictional and you're just pleasuring yourself.

Joke number two: Hoping for Harry Potter business with this is like hoping Steve Guttenberg finally gets that Oscar.

Joke number three: Hot topic.

Joke number four: "So I have this idea to combine Romeo and Juliet with vampires and werewolves...wait, what are you doing? Put the gun down. Put it down!!!"

I'm done now. For realz.