Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Quick clips for Wednesday November 12

Wait, it could be even worse

Okay, by now you've probably heard that Jaden Smith (son of Will Smith...or as Defamer.com so awesomely put it "smarmy hatchling" of Will Smith) is going to star in a remake of The Karate Kid despite being 10 years old and distinctly un-Ralph Macchio-esque (a trait to which many aspire but few achieve). The good news is, Ben Coffman and I have devised a way for things to be even worse! Consider the following replacements for Mr. Miyagi (and, by the way, Ben said Jackie Chan and I said Samuel L Jackson before Defamer.com named both of them in their post...I mean, there's no proof, but it's true).
  1. Ed Norton - Throwing himself deeply into the role, Norton undergoes a Downey Jr.-in-Tropic Thunder Asian-face transformation, but the movie is never completed when he and the director begin a vicious blood feud over whether Miyagi would "really" use satin-finish or glossy paint on his fence.
  2. Meryl Streep - Hello, if Daniel-san is now a 10-year-old African American, why can't Miyagi be 87-time Academy Award winning honkey actress Meryl Streep? Racists.
  3. Martin Lawrence - First of all, he's free. Second of all, imagine the hijinks that would ensue when smarmy hatchling scratches his car while waxing it. I'm laughing already!
Okay, if that doesn't do it for you, what about this. Close your eyes and imagine hearing the opening of "Kung Fu Fighting," but then, just as the lyrics are about to set in...here comes the bass! Oh hell yeah, Fresh Prince starts dropping his rhymes "My karate be stiff, you know it ain't soggy/I learned everything from Mr. Miyagi" right as the sampled strains of Peter Cetera blast in. I practically see Smith's hand around the Oscar for Best Song.

See...it could be worse.

Maybe Kevin Smith didn't kill Porno for everyone

In what I can only hope becomes a daily occurrence, I have more Danny Boyle news! He told Cinematical that a Trainspotting sequel, based on the follow-up novel Porno, is still being pursued, which is exciting for both Trainspotting enthusiasts AND fans of pornography! In grad school, I actually did a study on Irvine Welsh, the depraved SOB who wrote the novels, so I'm emotionally invested in seeing this plan come to fruition (and they say English grad school doesn't prepare you for the reality of life). Plus, Trainspotting and me have had this sordid history where I alternatively hated it intensely, then hated it but appreciated it, and now I just appreciate it. I still don't really "like" it, but I would be curious to see Boyle do what Scorsese did with Color of Money and pick up with the same cast way later (just like I'm secretly hoping for a Star Wars that redeems the whole series by bringing all the old actors back for one last hurrah to fix what got broke...I'm also well aware that I'm never going to see that). The big stumbling block has been Ewan MacGregor, who reportedly had a massive falling out with Boyle back in the day. Basically, after doing a bunch of movies as Boyle's muse and lead actor (including Shallow Grave, A Life Less Ordinary, and Trainspotting), Boyle went with it-boy-of-the-moment-turned-actually-really-effing-good-actor Leonardo DiCaprio in The Beach. Since then, DiCaprio's been banging models and MacGregor's been showing his peen for pennies on the dollar. Still, Boyle says the friendship is on the mend and that it would be possible for the two to reunite. If nothing else, Porno will be reuniting old friends, and isn't that what it's all about in the first place?

Art is in the eye of the box-office holder

I'm cracking up because reports are that, some 10 days before it's premiere in the country of its origin, Australia is not finished. The Hugh Jackman and Nicole Kidman movie is still being assembled like Frankenstein's monster by "genius" Baz Luhrman who hasn't done squat since Moulin Rouge (then again, neither has Kidman really but that's besides the point). Now comes word that test audiences didn't care for the ending, which is funny because they are apparently testing an unfinished film weeks before release...this is all just too good. So what did Baz the genius do? Throw a tantrum? Demand the heads and testes of all test screening members? Cry heavily and start over? Nope. He changed it. Huhbuhwha? First off, I know what the ending was and am confused without having to reshoot footage how you get around that. Second, an ending is usually a fairly pivotal part of a movie, one that the creator has envisioned and feels strongly about going into it. Third, NEVER TRUST TEST AUDIENCES. They are overwhelmingly stupid. Seriously, when I talk to people about movies, the things they say should never be spoken, let alone put on a note card and passed to a director. These are people whose brains stall out deciding between the Rumble-nut Fudgie ice cream and the Pecan't Believe It's Not Peanut Butter ice cream. This isn't to say that there aren't people who could help you, but changing a movie based on the comments of people who don't make movies is like taking driving advice from your toddler. You are the creative one. You are the one who makes the decisions, they just get to decide if they like what you did, not actually have influence over it. At any rate, I now look for the new ending, wherein Jackman finds a talking Chihuahua that farts a lot.
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