Monday, December 15, 2008

Quick clips for Monday December 15

Lists! Lists! Lists! Lists!

We Americans have such a woody for lists of all kinds and rankings of any variety that we are content to put un-top-10-able things into top 10s just because. Hell, Vh1 and E! virtually have a death match going to see who can come up with more ridiculous lists of 10 things to rank (Top 10 Brett Michael STD experiences vs Top 10 Ryan Seacrest Smarmy-isms). Of course, this means that sooner or later (later...we don't get movies soon enough) we'll be doing some top 10-ing, but for now, a few notable lists have emerged. The American Film Institute (which straddles the line between hoity-toity and comically mainstream) included the following as the top 10 of 2008:

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
The Dark Knight
Frozen River
Gran Torino
Iron Man
Wendy and Lucy
The Wrestler

Okay, things to notice: (1) People apparently don't find Gran Torino to be the laugh-riot that the previews make it out to be. Seriously, have you seen that shit? Clint Eastwood's voice sounds like Christian Bale's Batman growl in 30 years. The trailer has the line "Get off my porch." How is this thing not hysterical? (2) Nice to see comic book movies get some love. Also, it should be noted despite my rampant preference of all things Marvel that anyone who defends Iron Man in comparison to The Dark Knight is just being an asshole. Two words: Iron. Monger. Don't get me wrong, that movie rocked, but don't be contrarian just for fun, you know The Dark Knight was better. (3) Good on WALL-E and Milk, haven't seen Frost/Nixon, Frozen River, The Wrestler (ooooh do I wanna see this one), or Benjamin Button, but they seem consistent with what I've heard...but what the hell's a Wendy and Lucy? Is that the new show with Selma Blair that makes me want to take up carbon monoxide poisoning? Look for more reports of notable (sorry, Stephen King, you put Lakeview Terrace on your top 10, you aren't notable) lists coming, because you people can't get enough lists! Lists! LISTS! LISTS!

Something to Crow about

MTV showed The Crow this weekend, which gave me the opportunity to pontificate at length to my wife about the quantity and scope of the ass that was kicked by that film. Unimpressed by my thorough discussion of acting nuance and the original text upon which the film was based, my wife simply shrugged her shoulders and informed me that she had an ex-boyfriend who was really into it. Said ex-boyfriend being a total douche, I was saddened. See, I know a lot of dingleberries loved The Crow, painted their faces like him for Halloween (or Tuesdays), and used it as a gateway to the world to which Hot Topic is a portal. Me? I just thought it was bad ass and emotional. So when Variety reported that Stephen Norrington, the guy who soiled League of Extraordinary Gentleman (basically sodomizing one of the most simplistic and brilliant ideas ever), would be writing and directing a "reinvention" of The Crow, I was a little unpleased. How bad was League? IT ENDED SEAN CONNERY'S CAREER. Sean freaking Connery has not made a movie since then (nor has Norrington for that matter). So, why not give him an awesome franchise that never had a chance to get rolling because Brandon Lee died during the filming of the first one? By the way, when I watched The Crow for the first time, my friend pointed out the irony of them including a "no animals were harmed in making this movie" credit in a film in which THE LEAD ACTOR WAS KILLED ON SET. Norrington said that "Whereas Proyas' original was gloriously gothic and stylized, the new movie will be realistic, hard-edged and mysterious, almost documentary-style." Wow, good thinking there champ. Why would you ever stay truthful to the source material? After all, your last bout of improvising from the script only KILLED SEAN CONNERY'S CAREER.

Box Office Results: Failure, for sale or rent...

I feel like Stephen Colbert here. AUSTRALIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! Again the thing sucks just less enough to squeeze its way into the top 5 and ruin my chances of success. So, what else have we learned this week beyond the fact that I am as inconsistent as a Chicago Bears quarterback? Well, Keanu doesn't have the draw he seems to think he does, people still can't get enough of Reese Witherspoon getting puked on, and the reason that there's no Hispanic movies carried by Hispanic casts is because people won't see them (perhaps if they were, you know, good?)

Here are the results:

1.) The Day the Earth Stood Still - $31 million (Accuracy of prediction - 78%)

Wow, this did NOT live up to the hype. Here's an example of why: The director was going to entirely take out the declaration "Klaatu Barada Niktu," which was once declared the most memorable sci-fi phrase ever, until KEANU REEVES insisted it be inserted (which it was, buried under other noise, almost inaudibly). They didn't have any business doing what they did to that classic film. So, they can suck on a box office turd.

2.) Four Christmases - $13 million (Accuracy of prediction - 96%)

Speaking of turd.

3.) Twilight - $8 million (Accuracy of prediction - 84%)

Have I mentioned that I hope Summit Pictures goes out of business? Because I do. Also, they are fast tracking the next film (which supposedly needs more effects) to come out this time next year. Good move stupid people, sucking MORE is always the way to go.

4.) Bolt - $7.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 73%)

This thing is just limping along. If it was a real dog, they would have put it down by now.

5.) Australia - $4 million (Accuracy of prediction - 0%)

This giant, continent-sized waste of talent is just lumbering along, making no real money but just enough to screw me up. I don't know what I did to you Kidman, but you'd best back off real fast.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 66%

You know how they tell you in school to finish every assignment because anything is better than a zero. Thanks for the refresher Australia.
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