Friday free for all
Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod
In case you didn't know (shame on you) or didn't care (big heaping shame on you...I shall burn you if we meet face to face), "Battlestar Galactica" returns tonight. Yeah, so I'm pretty much freaking out. The Sci-Fi Channel, determined to squash the goodwill they garnered by creating and producing said brilliant television program, decided to split off these last 10 episodes from the rest of the fourth season to torture and abuse me. Look, I get that you want to cash in on it, deservedly so, but why not run these episodes during last November during sweeps? I may have been able to retain sanity and wouldn't be unable to focus on anything while waiting for today to be over so that I can go home and roll around in new B-star. I was chatting off air with Steve King, the host of the morning show on CD105.9 in Omaha and not the famous novelist (because I would have probably made a bigger deal out of chatting with that Steve King...not that I don't love CD's Steve King because I do...you know what, I'm just going to move on). I was trying to convince him that he needs to watch this show, and the discussion made me quickly realize that this is, without a doubt, the best, most cohesively awesome show I've ever watched. Satisfying in every way (acting, characters, plot, setting, themes) and intelligent to a degree I have never seen and will likely never see again. What I'm saying is, it isn't too late for you. Go, rent the show on Netflix, watch it on the Interwebs, do whatever you can but catch this gem before its off the air...I mean, you can rent it afterwards but really you miss out on the pisspanting thrills I am going through right now. If nothing else, take the Episode One challenge, wherein you agree to watch "33 Minutes," the first episode of the show, and decide if you can live without it. You won't be able to, trust me. Anyway, I'm going to go back to freaking out now. SO HAPPY!!!
Weekend Battle Plan: Don brings the Cheadle family such shame...such shame
If you HAVE to see a new movie this weekend...take your life on the end of a sword. Your choices are: Paul Blart: Mall Cop (or as I call it Fatty Fatty Boombalatty Falls Down), Hotel for Dogs (or as I call it Hell for people), My Bloody Valentine 3D (or as I call it Sucking in the Third Dimension), and Notorious (or as I call it Rapper Crapper). Your best bet is, once again, tracking down some lingering Oscar bait. For example, Kate Winslet's two Golden Globes now give you a reason to see Revolutionary Road and The Reader...given Oprah's praise for Winslet's boobies (yes, I'm serious, look it up on Youtube), the phrase "Kate Winslet's two Golden Globes" could have been taken to mean something else entirely (yes, we all know I was thinking like Oprah, but when am I not?). Slumdog Millionaire now looks like a sure thing for Oscar, so you should check that out if you haven't yet. Doubt will likely rack up a few nods, as will Button (but you've probably seen that already). Frost/Nixon is unquestionably going to get a few nominations. Point is, it isn't a BAD time to go see a movie, it's just a bad time to see a NEW movie. Then again, America turned out in droves to watch the friggin' Unborn, which I have on good authority (meaning the people at Chud.com) should not be viewed by anyone at anytime ever. Oh, and they also had a good discussion in that podcast on Chud about which movies would be improved by the presence of water-skiing Nazis (answer: all of them).
That's my recommendation: In lieu of finding a movie with water-skiing Nazis, go find something Oscar worthy while you can.
On DVD: Look, I'm going to make this short so as not to run the joke into the ground for people who have heard me say it on the radio and TV: In Vicky Cristina Barcelona, Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz kiss. Ladies, you can drool over Javier Bardem (or the aforementioned kiss, either way); old people, you can respect Woody Allen and the Golden Globe win (or the kiss); and snobby people, you admire the foreign setting (or the kiss). Just rent it already.
Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions
Okay, so we're 50/50 for the year so far: First week out was awesome, last week I got Unborned. Seriously, you're going to regret doing that when Unborn 2 goes direct to DVD (featuring Skeet Ulrich and Tracy Gold from "Growing Pains"...you know what, that cast is so plausible it may actually happen). This week is so full of landmines I have no place to step. I'm just telling you now I'm going to get this wrong. From Gran Torino somehow doing blockbuster money to freakin' 3D horror movies to family films featuring dogs, I have no idea how to play this. I know but one thing: America will finally prove it has SOME standards and will NOT make Paul Blart number 1. Suck it Kevin James. I mean that, I really dislike you as a person.
Here's how I see it:
1.) Gran Torino - $19 million
Now, I know this will likely be wrong, but here's my figuring on this: Old people love Clint Eastwood. Old people aren't as likely to rush out to see things opening weekend, which means that last weekend's gross was an indication that this film is going to have some serious staying power. Old people will tell other old people how great it was watching old man Clint and then will get other old people to go to see it. See, it all makes sense once you think like you're wearing depends.
2.) My Bloody Valentine - $17 million
This is likely the one that's going to throw me down the well. It will probably be number 1, on account of the Unborn showing last week, which proved people will watch horror movies, and on account of the 3D-ness. I know, I know, but I just can't bring myself to say this will win. I can't do it.
3.) Hotel for Dogs - $15 million
Best Golden Globe moment: "And now, please welcome to the stage, the star of Hotel for Dogs, Don Cheadle." HAHAHAHAHA! You're going to remember that for the rest of your life, Don. Lisa Kudrow I get, she'll do anything ("Miss Kudrow, we'd like to offer you the role of..." "Yes" "Don't you want to hear the..." "I'll do it, where do I sign?"). Don, you'd best hope your role in Iron Man 2 redeems you.
4.) Notorious - $12 million
People love Biggie, and I'm guessing people interested in the rap world aren't interested in any of the movies mentioned above. Hell, I'm not that interested in the rap world and I'M not interested in any of the movies above.
5.) Paul Blart: Mall Cop - $10 million
Please let me be right and not let people see this....ohpleaseohpleaseohplease. It's on Kevin James, my hate for you is now unleashed.
In case you didn't know (shame on you) or didn't care (big heaping shame on you...I shall burn you if we meet face to face), "Battlestar Galactica" returns tonight. Yeah, so I'm pretty much freaking out. The Sci-Fi Channel, determined to squash the goodwill they garnered by creating and producing said brilliant television program, decided to split off these last 10 episodes from the rest of the fourth season to torture and abuse me. Look, I get that you want to cash in on it, deservedly so, but why not run these episodes during last November during sweeps? I may have been able to retain sanity and wouldn't be unable to focus on anything while waiting for today to be over so that I can go home and roll around in new B-star. I was chatting off air with Steve King, the host of the morning show on CD105.9 in Omaha and not the famous novelist (because I would have probably made a bigger deal out of chatting with that Steve King...not that I don't love CD's Steve King because I do...you know what, I'm just going to move on). I was trying to convince him that he needs to watch this show, and the discussion made me quickly realize that this is, without a doubt, the best, most cohesively awesome show I've ever watched. Satisfying in every way (acting, characters, plot, setting, themes) and intelligent to a degree I have never seen and will likely never see again. What I'm saying is, it isn't too late for you. Go, rent the show on Netflix, watch it on the Interwebs, do whatever you can but catch this gem before its off the air...I mean, you can rent it afterwards but really you miss out on the pisspanting thrills I am going through right now. If nothing else, take the Episode One challenge, wherein you agree to watch "33 Minutes," the first episode of the show, and decide if you can live without it. You won't be able to, trust me. Anyway, I'm going to go back to freaking out now. SO HAPPY!!!
Weekend Battle Plan: Don brings the Cheadle family such shame...such shame
If you HAVE to see a new movie this weekend...take your life on the end of a sword. Your choices are: Paul Blart: Mall Cop (or as I call it Fatty Fatty Boombalatty Falls Down), Hotel for Dogs (or as I call it Hell for people), My Bloody Valentine 3D (or as I call it Sucking in the Third Dimension), and Notorious (or as I call it Rapper Crapper). Your best bet is, once again, tracking down some lingering Oscar bait. For example, Kate Winslet's two Golden Globes now give you a reason to see Revolutionary Road and The Reader...given Oprah's praise for Winslet's boobies (yes, I'm serious, look it up on Youtube), the phrase "Kate Winslet's two Golden Globes" could have been taken to mean something else entirely (yes, we all know I was thinking like Oprah, but when am I not?). Slumdog Millionaire now looks like a sure thing for Oscar, so you should check that out if you haven't yet. Doubt will likely rack up a few nods, as will Button (but you've probably seen that already). Frost/Nixon is unquestionably going to get a few nominations. Point is, it isn't a BAD time to go see a movie, it's just a bad time to see a NEW movie. Then again, America turned out in droves to watch the friggin' Unborn, which I have on good authority (meaning the people at Chud.com) should not be viewed by anyone at anytime ever. Oh, and they also had a good discussion in that podcast on Chud about which movies would be improved by the presence of water-skiing Nazis (answer: all of them).
That's my recommendation: In lieu of finding a movie with water-skiing Nazis, go find something Oscar worthy while you can.
On DVD: Look, I'm going to make this short so as not to run the joke into the ground for people who have heard me say it on the radio and TV: In Vicky Cristina Barcelona, Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz kiss. Ladies, you can drool over Javier Bardem (or the aforementioned kiss, either way); old people, you can respect Woody Allen and the Golden Globe win (or the kiss); and snobby people, you admire the foreign setting (or the kiss). Just rent it already.
Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions
Okay, so we're 50/50 for the year so far: First week out was awesome, last week I got Unborned. Seriously, you're going to regret doing that when Unborn 2 goes direct to DVD (featuring Skeet Ulrich and Tracy Gold from "Growing Pains"...you know what, that cast is so plausible it may actually happen). This week is so full of landmines I have no place to step. I'm just telling you now I'm going to get this wrong. From Gran Torino somehow doing blockbuster money to freakin' 3D horror movies to family films featuring dogs, I have no idea how to play this. I know but one thing: America will finally prove it has SOME standards and will NOT make Paul Blart number 1. Suck it Kevin James. I mean that, I really dislike you as a person.
Here's how I see it:
1.) Gran Torino - $19 million
Now, I know this will likely be wrong, but here's my figuring on this: Old people love Clint Eastwood. Old people aren't as likely to rush out to see things opening weekend, which means that last weekend's gross was an indication that this film is going to have some serious staying power. Old people will tell other old people how great it was watching old man Clint and then will get other old people to go to see it. See, it all makes sense once you think like you're wearing depends.
2.) My Bloody Valentine - $17 million
This is likely the one that's going to throw me down the well. It will probably be number 1, on account of the Unborn showing last week, which proved people will watch horror movies, and on account of the 3D-ness. I know, I know, but I just can't bring myself to say this will win. I can't do it.
3.) Hotel for Dogs - $15 million
Best Golden Globe moment: "And now, please welcome to the stage, the star of Hotel for Dogs, Don Cheadle." HAHAHAHAHA! You're going to remember that for the rest of your life, Don. Lisa Kudrow I get, she'll do anything ("Miss Kudrow, we'd like to offer you the role of..." "Yes" "Don't you want to hear the..." "I'll do it, where do I sign?"). Don, you'd best hope your role in Iron Man 2 redeems you.
4.) Notorious - $12 million
People love Biggie, and I'm guessing people interested in the rap world aren't interested in any of the movies mentioned above. Hell, I'm not that interested in the rap world and I'M not interested in any of the movies above.
5.) Paul Blart: Mall Cop - $10 million
Please let me be right and not let people see this....ohpleaseohpleaseohplease. It's on Kevin James, my hate for you is now unleashed.
posted by Ryan at
8:23 AM
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