Friday free for all
What the chipmunks hath wrought
On this, the last day of the week that Blart built, we are given the following news reported across all major media outlets and this blog: They're making a goddamn Tom and Jerry movie...and not just any Tom and Jerry movie, a live-action Tom and Jerry movie intended to launch a franchise. So, basically, three movies in which a half-wit cat chases a clever and mean-spirited mouse. Enjoy the morality lesson kids: hit stupid things in the face with frying pans and try to consume those smaller than you. The reason I bring this up on this the week of our Blart, is to point something out to you: Movies are made because they have audiences. Why is there going to be a Tom and Jerry movie? Because people will SEE a Tom and Jerry movie (or, more accurately, three Tom and Jerry movies). When you make Alvin and the Chipmunks a huge hit, not only does Jason Lee thank you for allowing him to continue his lifestyle of being rich and famous while looking like he finds roadkill delicious, but studios begin to believe that there's a market for that kind of crap. Scarier still, there appears to be a market for this type of crap. To put it another way, if Slumdog Millionaire crosses $100 million, all of a sudden a bunch of smaller romantic dramas will get picked up for distribution or greenlit. Honest, they will. However, if you Blart it up this weekend, you get Tom Pencildick: Metermaid starring Rob Schneider. Actually, I'm going to go turn that idea into a three picture deal at Miramax. Hell, if they put out The Reader, they'll make anything. Point is: Be careful out there, you don't know the power you wield.
Weekend battle plan: Same crap, different date
I'm beginning to sound like a broken record but, the new releases suck so you should probably seek out older ones. I know, I know, but seriously, I can't in good conscience recommend Inkheart (the latest Brendan Fraser special-effects waste of brain cells) or Underworld: Rise of the Lycans (more. goddamn. werewolves. fighting. vampires.). Seriously, I've had enough of both of these types of films: Inkheart is Bedtime Stories with unicorns and Helen Mirren, which should count for something but doesn't, and Underworld features 100% less Kate Beckinsale in pleather. There's a chance you haven't seen all of the best picture nominees (pleaseohplease let you have missed The Reader), so you want to beef up on that. We're talking Milk, Frost/Nixon, Button, or Slumdog, which you really would like (honest). That said, I have some measure of hope for the following week, in that Taken looks like it could be old-school thriller-fun. Maybe not, but it HAS to be better than Blart or either of these two turds.
That's my recommendation: Stay home and watch "Battlestar Galactica." Wait, what was that? Oh, you heard me, I didn't mention how incredibly awesome that first episode back was. "Lost" was a good reentry into the world, but "B-Star" dropped the hammer, giving you the answer to the biggest remaining mystery in the FIRST EPISODE BACK. Plus, I'm still confused as frak as to how they end this thing. Yeah, yeah, if you're going to see a movie fine, go see Slumdog, but if you're staying in and being smart, just "B-star" it up tonight. They could use the ratings love.
On DVD: Why, it's "Battlestar Galactica!" Again, I could bullshit around and recommend City of Ember or Appaloosa (just so you can hear Ed Harris singing...seriously), but the truth is, you should start your assault on catching up with this show. The miniseries is optional...informative, but not 100% necessary and a little off-putting if you aren't ALREADY a fan of the show. I say, start with season 1, relish that first episode, then go back and watch the miniseries. You HAVE to do this at some point anyway, it's cold outside this weekend and there's no football or anything good in the theaters. Don't tell me you're going to read or do some kind of housework, I know you are lying. GO RENT "B-STAR!"
Fearless, flawless box office predictions
Well, well, well, we meet again Mr. Blart. Last time you out maneuvered me, on account of me forgetting how much people love their fart jokes and fatty-fatty-fall down jokes. Not this time, I'm ready for you. My crusade to use your name as any kind of expletive, verb, or adjective is working, as I convinced the blarting blarts at my blart to blart. This may be the hardest blarting week for me to blart the predictions, on account of the blarting number of Oscar contenders, the new movies (which suck blart), and the holdovers (Blart). But brave men must blart if blarting men really want to blart. Blart.
Here's how I see it:
1.) Underworld: Rise of the Lycans - $19 million
Sure, this will likely end up second to a certain film that has been mentioned here and there, but my guess is that the teenagers buoyed the fatty to number one last week, but would much prefer werewolves fighting vampires with hot chicks involved. Oh, it's a tough call, fatty fatty falldown versus hottie mcsucksyourblood, but I think the latter wins.
2.) Paul Blart: Mall Cop - $17 million
Holy blart! I can't blarting believe the blart of this blart. Okay, I'm done. No more.
3.) Inkheart - $15 million
Helen Mirren will ride your unicorn, but she won't like it. That isn't a euphemism, she actually rides a unicorn in this. What did you think I meant? Perverts.
4.) Gran Torino - $14 million
Gramps has still got it goin' on, with this flick set to fly past $100 million. Well, it's Eastwood, so more like slowly saunter with an arthritic pace past $100 million. Impressive on both counts.
5.) Slumdog Millionaire - $10 million
Smart money says, Hotel for Dogs or Notorious will get this spot. But I am not smart and I have no money. I like the idea of this film doing well, it's now got Oscar blessing. Let's make it happen people. Redeem your blart.
On this, the last day of the week that Blart built, we are given the following news reported across all major media outlets and this blog: They're making a goddamn Tom and Jerry movie...and not just any Tom and Jerry movie, a live-action Tom and Jerry movie intended to launch a franchise. So, basically, three movies in which a half-wit cat chases a clever and mean-spirited mouse. Enjoy the morality lesson kids: hit stupid things in the face with frying pans and try to consume those smaller than you. The reason I bring this up on this the week of our Blart, is to point something out to you: Movies are made because they have audiences. Why is there going to be a Tom and Jerry movie? Because people will SEE a Tom and Jerry movie (or, more accurately, three Tom and Jerry movies). When you make Alvin and the Chipmunks a huge hit, not only does Jason Lee thank you for allowing him to continue his lifestyle of being rich and famous while looking like he finds roadkill delicious, but studios begin to believe that there's a market for that kind of crap. Scarier still, there appears to be a market for this type of crap. To put it another way, if Slumdog Millionaire crosses $100 million, all of a sudden a bunch of smaller romantic dramas will get picked up for distribution or greenlit. Honest, they will. However, if you Blart it up this weekend, you get Tom Pencildick: Metermaid starring Rob Schneider. Actually, I'm going to go turn that idea into a three picture deal at Miramax. Hell, if they put out The Reader, they'll make anything. Point is: Be careful out there, you don't know the power you wield.
Weekend battle plan: Same crap, different date
I'm beginning to sound like a broken record but, the new releases suck so you should probably seek out older ones. I know, I know, but seriously, I can't in good conscience recommend Inkheart (the latest Brendan Fraser special-effects waste of brain cells) or Underworld: Rise of the Lycans (more. goddamn. werewolves. fighting. vampires.). Seriously, I've had enough of both of these types of films: Inkheart is Bedtime Stories with unicorns and Helen Mirren, which should count for something but doesn't, and Underworld features 100% less Kate Beckinsale in pleather. There's a chance you haven't seen all of the best picture nominees (pleaseohplease let you have missed The Reader), so you want to beef up on that. We're talking Milk, Frost/Nixon, Button, or Slumdog, which you really would like (honest). That said, I have some measure of hope for the following week, in that Taken looks like it could be old-school thriller-fun. Maybe not, but it HAS to be better than Blart or either of these two turds.
That's my recommendation: Stay home and watch "Battlestar Galactica." Wait, what was that? Oh, you heard me, I didn't mention how incredibly awesome that first episode back was. "Lost" was a good reentry into the world, but "B-Star" dropped the hammer, giving you the answer to the biggest remaining mystery in the FIRST EPISODE BACK. Plus, I'm still confused as frak as to how they end this thing. Yeah, yeah, if you're going to see a movie fine, go see Slumdog, but if you're staying in and being smart, just "B-star" it up tonight. They could use the ratings love.
On DVD: Why, it's "Battlestar Galactica!" Again, I could bullshit around and recommend City of Ember or Appaloosa (just so you can hear Ed Harris singing...seriously), but the truth is, you should start your assault on catching up with this show. The miniseries is optional...informative, but not 100% necessary and a little off-putting if you aren't ALREADY a fan of the show. I say, start with season 1, relish that first episode, then go back and watch the miniseries. You HAVE to do this at some point anyway, it's cold outside this weekend and there's no football or anything good in the theaters. Don't tell me you're going to read or do some kind of housework, I know you are lying. GO RENT "B-STAR!"
Fearless, flawless box office predictions
Well, well, well, we meet again Mr. Blart. Last time you out maneuvered me, on account of me forgetting how much people love their fart jokes and fatty-fatty-fall down jokes. Not this time, I'm ready for you. My crusade to use your name as any kind of expletive, verb, or adjective is working, as I convinced the blarting blarts at my blart to blart. This may be the hardest blarting week for me to blart the predictions, on account of the blarting number of Oscar contenders, the new movies (which suck blart), and the holdovers (Blart). But brave men must blart if blarting men really want to blart. Blart.
Here's how I see it:
1.) Underworld: Rise of the Lycans - $19 million
Sure, this will likely end up second to a certain film that has been mentioned here and there, but my guess is that the teenagers buoyed the fatty to number one last week, but would much prefer werewolves fighting vampires with hot chicks involved. Oh, it's a tough call, fatty fatty falldown versus hottie mcsucksyourblood, but I think the latter wins.
2.) Paul Blart: Mall Cop - $17 million
Holy blart! I can't blarting believe the blart of this blart. Okay, I'm done. No more.
3.) Inkheart - $15 million
Helen Mirren will ride your unicorn, but she won't like it. That isn't a euphemism, she actually rides a unicorn in this. What did you think I meant? Perverts.
4.) Gran Torino - $14 million
Gramps has still got it goin' on, with this flick set to fly past $100 million. Well, it's Eastwood, so more like slowly saunter with an arthritic pace past $100 million. Impressive on both counts.
5.) Slumdog Millionaire - $10 million
Smart money says, Hotel for Dogs or Notorious will get this spot. But I am not smart and I have no money. I like the idea of this film doing well, it's now got Oscar blessing. Let's make it happen people. Redeem your blart.
posted by Ryan at
8:13 AM
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