Friday Free For All
Categorical proof 20th Century Fox sucks ass
Look, I don't own any stock in a major studio (or minor studio...or a studio apartment for that matter), but it's time we called 20th Century Fox out. I'm not talking about their Fox Searchlight shingle, which is run by far more intelligent human beings (in that they have a pulse and do not perpetually wet themselves), but the main studio proper itself is an oozing and festering sore on the face of American culture. Spreading their violent cinema herpes is a giant group of unrepentant assholes hellbent on lowering the standards of decency. It's high time that we call bullshit on their practices and begin questioning the value of ever seeing their films. Don't believe me? What follows is a list of all 2008 releases from the 20th Century Fox studio:
27 Dresses
Meet the Spartans
Jumper
Shutter
Nim's Island
Street Kings
Deception
What Happens in Vegas
The Happening
Meet Dave
Space Chimps
X-Files: I Want to Believe
Mirrors
The Rocker
Babylon AD
City of Ember
Max Payne
Australia
The Day the Earth Stood Still
Marley and Me
I didn't enjoy a single one of those films and wouldn't have gone to any had I not been required to by this job. Seriously, that list reads like a catalog of things that make your pee burn. Are you kidding me? Look at that list, just look at it. Well over a billion dollars in production and distribution were spent to bring you that. How are they still in business?! Throw in their mistreatment of intelligent properties (which they are notorious for ruining) and you have the greatest evildoer not currently stroking a white cat. And what does this producer of festering eye sores have for us this year? Well, after Bride Wars, which already landed like a thunderpunch to the scrotum, they have the following slate lined up for distribution this year:
Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakuel
They Came from Upstairs
Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian
X-Men Origins: Wolverine
12 Rounds
Dragonball Evolution
Miss March
All About Steve
Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li
Unstoppable
S Darko
That last one is a sequel to Donnie Darko starring Elizabeth Berkley from "Saved by the Bell." Yes, really. This whole rant was prompted by their douche move (to follow the douche move of suing WB for Watchmen rights) of trying to block Emily Blunt (google and drool) from being The Black Widow in the next Iron Man movie...so that she can star opposite Jack Black in a new Gulliver's Travels. Again, yes really. This isn't going to stop unless we make it. I will give their movies themselves a fair chance when I review them, because I know that stars and directors are trying their best no matter the studio. But you don't have to. Stop this tyranny. Down with Fox!!!!
Weekend Battle Plan: In that I assume you'll spend all day Saturday reading up on the Arizona Cardinals
Well, well, well, it's Superbowl weekend (finally) and that means I have just about 6 months to begin worrying how badly my Bears will suck next year. Now, traditionally, this is one of the more quiet weekends of the year box office wise, with most studios trying to avoid releasing anything that might tempt testosterone, since all of it will be used eating guacamole and shouting at the television. This year, however, Liam Neeson will have none of it. He's coming at you hardcore, waving his giant, giant fists in the air and demanding that you pay attention to his really intense glares and stabby motions. Taken is targeting the teens (no serious gore) and testes-carriers with its intense yelling and kidnappy happenings. Maggie Grace is in it, and she's totally untalented but hot...and 26 and playing a 17-year-old, but whatever, girl needs work. Also opening is a film with the girl with the look of perpetual execution (Renee Zellweger), who stopped taking straight shots of lemon long enough to squint her way through a formulaic romantic comedy with Harry Connick Jr who, as it happens, is not dead. The movie has a name, but it's so generic you won't remember, so if you want to ask for a ticket at the box office, just ask for one to see "Dogshit Haircut." There's also The Uninvited, which I would dismiss outright if America didn't somewhat flock to see the Unborn, which was also a sucky horror movie starting with "un." Really though, take the weekend off. You've seen all the good movies you want, these suck, and you're going to watch 5 hours of football on Sunday.
That's my recommendation: Do nothing.
On DVD: I keep recommending Vicky Cristina Barcelona because they keep moving the effing thing back in the releases. Still need to see it if you haven't on account of the nekkin' between hotties. If you like Brit capers, check out Rocknrolla or just rewatch Snatch (aka, the last time Guy Ritchie made a real effort). If you want something more high brow, they released a Roman Polanski documentary that is really intriguing. Other than that, see recommendation above.
Fearless, Flawless Box Office Prediction
Much like Sissiphus who knows what will happen to the boulder every time he starts up the effing hill, I'm back and ready to crack! We all know that this week will be smaller than Kevin James's IQ, but the question is, just how low do we go? Last week, I was screwed by Dogs...wait, that doesn't sound right...this week, I will likely be done in by Zellweger (I don't know which is grosser). The question is really whether Hotel for Dogs will beat Underworld. I know I'm going to be wrong...again.
1.) Taken - $14 million
Of this much I'm sure, people are going to make this the week the reign of Blart is over. With the PG-13 rating attracting the kiddies (who by now HAVE to have had their fatty falls down fun), I think this will surge to a fairly easy win. By the power of Liam Neeson's giant head, you WILL go see this film and make it number one. Don't make the Scotsman slap you with his enormous hand! An astute reader (ohmygodohmygod, this blog has a reader...and he/she is ASTUTE!) pointed out that Neeson is IRISH not SCOTTISH. I have been misstating his origins for decades. So, duly noted, Neeson comes from a long line of IRISH gigantic humans. My bad.
2.) The Uninvited - $12.5 million
This could slip below Blart but won't surge above Taken. To be fair, for a movie that nobody has really heard of, starring nobody anybody recognizes (sorry Elizabeth Banks, I'll hold you tight if you need comforting), this is a pretty decent finish.
3.) Paul Blart: Mall Cop - $12 million
F#*k this movie. I'm over it.
4.) Gran Torino - $11 million
You know who will go see a movie despite it being super bowl weekend? Yep, older people. And do you know what older people love besides good hugs and hard candy? Yep, Clint Eastwood. This should become his top grossing film EVER. Imagine that.
5.) Hotel for Dogs - $9 million
I'm going to say this juuuust edges out Underworld and that squinty girl movie, on the ground that everyone who wanted to see the former already did and nobody wants to see the latter. Kids still want to go to the movies and this is really their only choice. Of course, all this thinking and it will result in nothing. Just watch.
Look, I don't own any stock in a major studio (or minor studio...or a studio apartment for that matter), but it's time we called 20th Century Fox out. I'm not talking about their Fox Searchlight shingle, which is run by far more intelligent human beings (in that they have a pulse and do not perpetually wet themselves), but the main studio proper itself is an oozing and festering sore on the face of American culture. Spreading their violent cinema herpes is a giant group of unrepentant assholes hellbent on lowering the standards of decency. It's high time that we call bullshit on their practices and begin questioning the value of ever seeing their films. Don't believe me? What follows is a list of all 2008 releases from the 20th Century Fox studio:
27 Dresses
Meet the Spartans
Jumper
Shutter
Nim's Island
Street Kings
Deception
What Happens in Vegas
The Happening
Meet Dave
Space Chimps
X-Files: I Want to Believe
Mirrors
The Rocker
Babylon AD
City of Ember
Max Payne
Australia
The Day the Earth Stood Still
Marley and Me
I didn't enjoy a single one of those films and wouldn't have gone to any had I not been required to by this job. Seriously, that list reads like a catalog of things that make your pee burn. Are you kidding me? Look at that list, just look at it. Well over a billion dollars in production and distribution were spent to bring you that. How are they still in business?! Throw in their mistreatment of intelligent properties (which they are notorious for ruining) and you have the greatest evildoer not currently stroking a white cat. And what does this producer of festering eye sores have for us this year? Well, after Bride Wars, which already landed like a thunderpunch to the scrotum, they have the following slate lined up for distribution this year:
Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakuel
They Came from Upstairs
Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian
X-Men Origins: Wolverine
12 Rounds
Dragonball Evolution
Miss March
All About Steve
Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li
Unstoppable
S Darko
That last one is a sequel to Donnie Darko starring Elizabeth Berkley from "Saved by the Bell." Yes, really. This whole rant was prompted by their douche move (to follow the douche move of suing WB for Watchmen rights) of trying to block Emily Blunt (google and drool) from being The Black Widow in the next Iron Man movie...so that she can star opposite Jack Black in a new Gulliver's Travels. Again, yes really. This isn't going to stop unless we make it. I will give their movies themselves a fair chance when I review them, because I know that stars and directors are trying their best no matter the studio. But you don't have to. Stop this tyranny. Down with Fox!!!!
Weekend Battle Plan: In that I assume you'll spend all day Saturday reading up on the Arizona Cardinals
Well, well, well, it's Superbowl weekend (finally) and that means I have just about 6 months to begin worrying how badly my Bears will suck next year. Now, traditionally, this is one of the more quiet weekends of the year box office wise, with most studios trying to avoid releasing anything that might tempt testosterone, since all of it will be used eating guacamole and shouting at the television. This year, however, Liam Neeson will have none of it. He's coming at you hardcore, waving his giant, giant fists in the air and demanding that you pay attention to his really intense glares and stabby motions. Taken is targeting the teens (no serious gore) and testes-carriers with its intense yelling and kidnappy happenings. Maggie Grace is in it, and she's totally untalented but hot...and 26 and playing a 17-year-old, but whatever, girl needs work. Also opening is a film with the girl with the look of perpetual execution (Renee Zellweger), who stopped taking straight shots of lemon long enough to squint her way through a formulaic romantic comedy with Harry Connick Jr who, as it happens, is not dead. The movie has a name, but it's so generic you won't remember, so if you want to ask for a ticket at the box office, just ask for one to see "Dogshit Haircut." There's also The Uninvited, which I would dismiss outright if America didn't somewhat flock to see the Unborn, which was also a sucky horror movie starting with "un." Really though, take the weekend off. You've seen all the good movies you want, these suck, and you're going to watch 5 hours of football on Sunday.
That's my recommendation: Do nothing.
On DVD: I keep recommending Vicky Cristina Barcelona because they keep moving the effing thing back in the releases. Still need to see it if you haven't on account of the nekkin' between hotties. If you like Brit capers, check out Rocknrolla or just rewatch Snatch (aka, the last time Guy Ritchie made a real effort). If you want something more high brow, they released a Roman Polanski documentary that is really intriguing. Other than that, see recommendation above.
Fearless, Flawless Box Office Prediction
Much like Sissiphus who knows what will happen to the boulder every time he starts up the effing hill, I'm back and ready to crack! We all know that this week will be smaller than Kevin James's IQ, but the question is, just how low do we go? Last week, I was screwed by Dogs...wait, that doesn't sound right...this week, I will likely be done in by Zellweger (I don't know which is grosser). The question is really whether Hotel for Dogs will beat Underworld. I know I'm going to be wrong...again.
1.) Taken - $14 million
Of this much I'm sure, people are going to make this the week the reign of Blart is over. With the PG-13 rating attracting the kiddies (who by now HAVE to have had their fatty falls down fun), I think this will surge to a fairly easy win. By the power of Liam Neeson's giant head, you WILL go see this film and make it number one. Don't make the Scotsman slap you with his enormous hand! An astute reader (ohmygodohmygod, this blog has a reader...and he/she is ASTUTE!) pointed out that Neeson is IRISH not SCOTTISH. I have been misstating his origins for decades. So, duly noted, Neeson comes from a long line of IRISH gigantic humans. My bad.
2.) The Uninvited - $12.5 million
This could slip below Blart but won't surge above Taken. To be fair, for a movie that nobody has really heard of, starring nobody anybody recognizes (sorry Elizabeth Banks, I'll hold you tight if you need comforting), this is a pretty decent finish.
3.) Paul Blart: Mall Cop - $12 million
F#*k this movie. I'm over it.
4.) Gran Torino - $11 million
You know who will go see a movie despite it being super bowl weekend? Yep, older people. And do you know what older people love besides good hugs and hard candy? Yep, Clint Eastwood. This should become his top grossing film EVER. Imagine that.
5.) Hotel for Dogs - $9 million
I'm going to say this juuuust edges out Underworld and that squinty girl movie, on the ground that everyone who wanted to see the former already did and nobody wants to see the latter. Kids still want to go to the movies and this is really their only choice. Of course, all this thinking and it will result in nothing. Just watch.
posted by Ryan at
8:29 AM
2 Comments:
Hey, you have a reader! Liam Neeson is Irish, not Scottish.
Holy crap...up is down, left is right, Liam Neeson is IRISH?! Next you'll be telling me Jean Claude Van Damme isn't Chinese...thanks for the info, blog post revised.
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