Quick clips for Tuesday January 27

Weekend Box Office Results: Ink farted, got Blarted

Well, well, well, looks like we haven't seen the last of the Blart. I'm just going to blame my illness over the last week or so on fatty-falls-down: the movie, because I seemed to catch (and long for) my death right as His Royal Fatness inched his way to the top. Seriously, this thing is going to cruise (or ooze) its way into the hundred-million dollar club, the only club besides Weight Watchers that would have him (no, I'm not going to stop, apparently people find this sort of humor hysterical enough to shell out $10 bucks to see and hear it, so I'm not stopping until my fatty-fat-fat-fat mockery takes me straight to the top of the blog world...wait, I'm being told that nobody wants to actually be atop the blog world). The other big news is that Inkheart wet the bed worse that Kevin James due to his bladder compression issues. You'll note Inkheart is not in the top 5 (and you'll note my score subsequently crumbled because of that. You'd think I'd blame Brandon Fraser for this, but we all know who to blart).

Here's how it went:

1.) Paul Blart: Mall Cop - $21.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 80%)

Close your eyes and think about what you've done. "Coming this summer, America's favorite fatty-fat-failure is back, and ready to fall into shit again. This time, fatty mcfatterson is on a cruise ship and must prevent a group of terrorists from dumping a horrible chemical into the ocean that will cause everyone to fart. That's right, in 2010, it's time for Paul Blart 2: Blart Fart." I hope you never sleep again.

2.) Underworld: Rise of the Lycans - $21 million (Accuracy of prediction - 85%)

Man, werewolves and vampires can do no wrong, can they? Wait! I got it, what about a comedy in which FAT werewolves fight FAT vampires and then it turns into a love story where sad teenagers speak in cliches like "My soul may be immortal, but my heart will die with you" and then someone can fall down. God, I'm good at this.

3.) Gran Torino - $16 million (Accuracy of prediction - 84%)

Sure, it's up over $100 million now, but Clint Eastwood's eyesight is so bad, he thinks it took in a billion. Don't worry, everybody just told him it was number one, then sang him gently to sleep.

4.) Hotel for Dogs - $13 million (Accuracy of prediction - 0%)

Whew, for a minute there, I thought a dog movie wasn't going to do well. Man, that was close. The film only dropped 24% in its second week, which is one of the best holdovers of recent weeks. You're still on the hook for this Cheadle.

5.) Slumdog Millionaire - $11 million (Accuracy of prediction - 95%)

At least we close with a feelgood story. Sure, we start with Blart, but we end with the only dog movie I can tolerate (on account of it not featuring actual dogs). This future best picture winner deserves the acclaim, huzzah!

Overall accuracy of prediction - 69%

Not bad for getting screwed by a dog again...wait, that didn't sound right.

1985 has a great idea

Variety is reporting that James Nederlander (the coolest last name that isn't Fingerflanger) has acquired the rights to make a Thriller movie. You heard me right, Thriller. As in Michael Jackson (scary on purpose), Vincent Price, crappy zombie costumes, and tons of dancing (often imitated by inmates). Wow. Just...wow. I will say this much, all joking aside, it will do a ton of money if it does just one thing: punt everything else and keep werewolves fighting zombies. I don't know why this hasn't been done before. I mean, sure, this Thriller adaptation will likely follow singing or dancing and/or a Vincent Price impression, but consider the box office potential of werewolves fighting zombies. I mean, suddenly, this thing is writing itself. I know that wasn't the point of the Wacko Jacko video, but you have to admit how cool it sounds. Ooooh, oooh! What about a werewolf who gets turned INTO a zombie? Can you be a werewolf zombie? Hell, why the eff not! And you could get Jackson to do an entirely new album about it, because (let's face it) he ain't doing anything else these days. Here's the funny thing about this entire post, all of these things are going to happen. There will be a Thriller movie. There will (either with Thriller or independently) be a zombies vs werewolves movie. There will be a new Michael Jackson album (how is this last one the least likely). At any rate, I just went back and told my 9-year-old self that this was going to happen and he was really excited.

Why does God hate The Green Hornet

If you listen to certain radio stations, you'll find that God hates a whole bunch more stuff than you thought he did. The only one I know for sure is that he LOATHES the idea of a Green Hornet movie. Hitflix is reporting that Sony has shelved the project...again. Follow the saga of the dying hornet: The film died in the 1990s when it was originally conceived, died again when Kevin Smith wussied out, then died again when Seth Rogen brought on Stephen Chow. How pissed is Rogen, who dropped a ton of weight for the role? I'm hoping not at all, because he looks good now. I'm not saying that I really care if there's a Green Hornet movie. At one point, when comic book adaptations were somewhat rare (I know, it seems like never ago, but it was that way before the last 10 years), I would have been outraged that someone stepped on a masked man. Now....meh. I could really care less. I mean, I'm vaguely interested to see what Rogen is capable of playing against type. I know he has talent as a stoner, but what about his ability to play deeper or more physical roles? Hey, now that Rogen has slimmed down, do you think he'd be willing to kick Kevin James's ass for me?