Quick clips for Monday March 16

I blame MacGruber

Some douchebag has decided to make a MacGuyver movie for no reason whatsoever. Nothing says built-in audience quite like a series from the 1980s that was mocked mercilessly then and is still mocked now in a recurring sketch on "SNL," which I firmly believe was the inspiration for bringing this abomination back. With the A-Team movie in preproduction, this officially means we can recreate what a weeknight was like for me a few decades or so ago. Joy. Now that we've moved into the mediocre-popularity television shows from the past, my question is where it stops. I mean, no lie, this has become a full-blown remake epidemic. Are we going to get a movie version of "Earth 2?" Is there going to be a big-screen adaptation of "Seaquest?" Where in the name of Jonathon Brandis does this unholy remaking stop?! Really, at this point you have to wonder when the next wave starts, don't you? I mean, we've relaunched Batman and The Hulk, but there's a precedent for that, what with them being comics and all (they cancel a series and start over at a number one issue like every effing week). But does this mean that we'll see a remake of Brokeback Mountain in a few years? Will there be a big-screen version of Extreme Home Makeover? At any rate, happy Monday, there's going to be a MacGuyver movie. Sigh.

My dream of an octopodigrizzlysaur is not dead

Perhaps the only good news about another mediocre (word of the day) family effects film dominating at the box office (Race to Witch Mountain) is that the next family effects film that will dominate the box office by the director who just makes family films that dominate at the box office seems kind of interesting. Monster Attack Network, which my cable provider stubbornly refuses to carry, will be the next project from Andy Fickman, whose name sounds like a ridiculous fictional nerd character from a 1980s John Hughes movie. Seeing as how his last two movies have starred The Rock, I see no reason why this one won't too. I shouldn't have to tell you what it's about, but in case you need your food cut up, it's about a group of guys who fight monsters. Shocking. In my world, this film would be written by someone with a savvy sense of humor, somebody who knows the right line between B-movie and making an intentionally bad/cheesy film. It would have effects in the vein of Ray Harryhausen and would feature a score by the guy who scores "The Venture Brothers." Hell, were it up to me, it would pretty much BE "The Venture Brothers" with monsters. God, that sounds so cool I think I should pitch it to somebody. I ain't sayin' I'm excited about the next movie from the guy who did The Game Plan, I'm just saying giant monsters never hurt anybody (other than the people they eat and step on).

Weekend Box Office Results: Oh. My. God. Ohmygodohmygod.

The Chicago Bears won a championship in 1985 and haven't won one since. My point is, don't think I'm going to go around thinking I will now dominate every week in this stupid, pointless exercise I perform for the entertainment of me. Still, it's good to be king, however briefly, and today thanks to The Rock, a declining interest in a dang good superhero film, and a remake of a movie that was unneeded the first time around, I am atop the dogpile, I am king of the castle, I am the constructor of a sentence with tons of commas that is likely grammatically incorrect.

Here are the results:

1.) Race to Witch Mountain - $25 million (Accuracy of prediction - 92%)

This likely means we're going to get more Witch Mountain movies, which is a fate far less severe than getting 3 more Paul Blart movies, which we're also getting (happy Monday part deux!). All I know is that it makes things easy when a film like this opens unimpeded. I wish it was like this every week...okay I just now realize that I asked for a film like this weekly. I don't mean that. It isn't worth it.

2.) Watchmen - $18 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)

Ouch. I figured this would happen, all the diehards would see it opening weekend and then it would linger. I really feel like that's what happened more than it being terribly received. Side note: Why the hell did they delay the release of "Tales from the Black Freighter" from the same opening frame as the movie? They missed out big time I think. Surely they didn't think we'd stay in and watch that did they? Hmmm....

3.) Last House on the Left - $15 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

Turns out, everybody still likes savage abuse and torture! Hooray for progress! This couldn't have cost more than about $30 million to make, so it's going to be profitable pronto. So help me Jeebus if we get Last House on the Left 2 or Another House on the Left or First House on the Right or anything close to that, we'll see what real torture and violence looks like.

4.) Taken - $6.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 89%)

I have nothing left...um, obscure Liam Neeson facts I guess: Fact number one - Neeson only pees sitting down.

5.) Madea Goes to Jail - $5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 95%)

Thanks for helping me cap the week Tyler Perry! Now BE GONE!

Overall accuracy of prediction - 93%

This gets bolded because I'm awesome. I'm going to have a good week now for sure. MacGuyver movie be damned: Best. Monday. Ever!