Quick clips for Tuesday April 28
In space, no one can hear a reboot
Anyone who doesn't think Aliens is one of the finest sci-fi movies ever should be receiving the business end of a shovel 24/7. Don't worry, it won't hurt them, they're already brain dead. Thanks to the glorious Alien vs Predator franchise, I have had any desire to see more nasty, drooling xenomorphs on screen stomped from my mind grapes beneath the heel of corporate greed and Paul WS Anderson. The only way I'd even consider another Aliens movie is if Ridley Scott were somehow involved. IESB is reporting that Ridley Scott is involved. Okay, fine, you got me. Now, the discussion seems to be whether to prequel or reboot, on account of the giant mess they've made of the series (whoever designed an alien/predator baby should be disemboweled with a slinky). My vote? Go with neither. What I mean is, don't cut up our food for us and tell us, just make a kick ass Alien movie. Part of what was awesome about the first film was that odd sense of mystery when they found those pods in whatever alien ship it was they found them in. That kicked ass. Why not set it somewhere in space, come up with some really creepy set pieces and story, and then not give a shit how it fits into the larger mythos. Look, these evil, double-mouthed bastards don't have an origin story to tell. They are creatures that eat and kill. They don't have motivation to explore. One shot of their planet would be okay, but you don't have to detail how they got off of it or anything, you pretty much just have to make a good movie (in my opinion, without Ripley, who I love but got ruined over the series). I know that Ridley Scott religiously reads this, and that all Fox producers (the wise, intelligent lot that they are) listen to every thought I have, so consider just making a good movie and not giving a poo where it fits. That sentence is really funny. I don't care if you don't agree.
Up until right now, I thought I had made up Drop Dead Fred
My sister and I watched this half-stillborn "comedy" when I was younger. I thought we had made it up. Nope, turns out it's very real...real enough to be remade by Russell Brand. Now, what would possess a guy to remake a movie that made less than $15 million and was generally laughed at (not with), I have no bloomin' clue. For those of you who weren't a part of that colossal domestic take, the film was about a girl's imaginary friend who comes back. Or something. Honestly, I just remember thinking that the friend was all weird and stupid and reminded me of Yahoo Serious. The guy's name was Rik Mayall and he was a quirky British comedian whose film career never took off after the film. Russell, this isn't a remake opportunity, this is a cautionary tale! Your hair is already trying to jump ship, why would you let your career follow it? Run, run, Russell! Do not remake a 1991 Phoebe Cates movie! Her last movie I enjoyed was Gremlins 2 (oh, screw you, it was zany fun). I just want to point out something; we're likely going to get this movie before we get an adaptation of "A Confederacy of Dunces" or "The Adventures of Kavalier and Clay." We're going to have two Drop Dead Fred movies before we have one Green Lantern movie. Why? What possibly happens inside of Hollywood that allows this? When madness overtakes us, it won't be swine flu-related, it will be self-induced mutilation based on crap like this.
I don't care if this is true or not
According to some wacky Brit newsthingie, three burglars broke into a home in Spain. They tied up the woman in the house, scared her, and then began looting...until they saw a picture of Dolph Lundgren among the family photos. Then they ran. How. Cool. Is. That? Now, I can't speak to the truth behind this tale, whether or not it's total bullshit, but let us not forget that this man is in The Expendables, and he did not earn that invitation due to his talent or prowess, he earned his place through sheer testosteronicity. Tell your old ass Chuck Norris jokes, DOLPH LUNDGREN'S PICTURE scared away burglars and protected his wife. From now on, when my wife goes out at night, she's keeping a Dolph Lundgren picture in her purse. When fathers are concerned about their young daughter's chastity, they should affix a picture of Dolph Lundgren to her undergarments. Swine flu got you down? Scare away influenza H1N1 with a picture of Dolph Lundgren. Dude is 52-years-old and hasn't made a good movie since, good Lord perhaps ever, but it doesn't matter because his mere image is enough to scare criminals straight. I'm just going to make up the rest of this probably ridiculously untrue story: The burglars are all now priests who cater to homeless people. One of them actually killed himself just to be an organ donor (he jellyfished himself). I can't believe this story (because it's likely malarkey) but I LOVE that it exists. I bet on the set of The Expendables, Lundgren just told Jason Statham and Jet Li "Your move, bitches."
Anyone who doesn't think Aliens is one of the finest sci-fi movies ever should be receiving the business end of a shovel 24/7. Don't worry, it won't hurt them, they're already brain dead. Thanks to the glorious Alien vs Predator franchise, I have had any desire to see more nasty, drooling xenomorphs on screen stomped from my mind grapes beneath the heel of corporate greed and Paul WS Anderson. The only way I'd even consider another Aliens movie is if Ridley Scott were somehow involved. IESB is reporting that Ridley Scott is involved. Okay, fine, you got me. Now, the discussion seems to be whether to prequel or reboot, on account of the giant mess they've made of the series (whoever designed an alien/predator baby should be disemboweled with a slinky). My vote? Go with neither. What I mean is, don't cut up our food for us and tell us, just make a kick ass Alien movie. Part of what was awesome about the first film was that odd sense of mystery when they found those pods in whatever alien ship it was they found them in. That kicked ass. Why not set it somewhere in space, come up with some really creepy set pieces and story, and then not give a shit how it fits into the larger mythos. Look, these evil, double-mouthed bastards don't have an origin story to tell. They are creatures that eat and kill. They don't have motivation to explore. One shot of their planet would be okay, but you don't have to detail how they got off of it or anything, you pretty much just have to make a good movie (in my opinion, without Ripley, who I love but got ruined over the series). I know that Ridley Scott religiously reads this, and that all Fox producers (the wise, intelligent lot that they are) listen to every thought I have, so consider just making a good movie and not giving a poo where it fits. That sentence is really funny. I don't care if you don't agree.
Up until right now, I thought I had made up Drop Dead Fred
My sister and I watched this half-stillborn "comedy" when I was younger. I thought we had made it up. Nope, turns out it's very real...real enough to be remade by Russell Brand. Now, what would possess a guy to remake a movie that made less than $15 million and was generally laughed at (not with), I have no bloomin' clue. For those of you who weren't a part of that colossal domestic take, the film was about a girl's imaginary friend who comes back. Or something. Honestly, I just remember thinking that the friend was all weird and stupid and reminded me of Yahoo Serious. The guy's name was Rik Mayall and he was a quirky British comedian whose film career never took off after the film. Russell, this isn't a remake opportunity, this is a cautionary tale! Your hair is already trying to jump ship, why would you let your career follow it? Run, run, Russell! Do not remake a 1991 Phoebe Cates movie! Her last movie I enjoyed was Gremlins 2 (oh, screw you, it was zany fun). I just want to point out something; we're likely going to get this movie before we get an adaptation of "A Confederacy of Dunces" or "The Adventures of Kavalier and Clay." We're going to have two Drop Dead Fred movies before we have one Green Lantern movie. Why? What possibly happens inside of Hollywood that allows this? When madness overtakes us, it won't be swine flu-related, it will be self-induced mutilation based on crap like this.
I don't care if this is true or not
According to some wacky Brit newsthingie, three burglars broke into a home in Spain. They tied up the woman in the house, scared her, and then began looting...until they saw a picture of Dolph Lundgren among the family photos. Then they ran. How. Cool. Is. That? Now, I can't speak to the truth behind this tale, whether or not it's total bullshit, but let us not forget that this man is in The Expendables, and he did not earn that invitation due to his talent or prowess, he earned his place through sheer testosteronicity. Tell your old ass Chuck Norris jokes, DOLPH LUNDGREN'S PICTURE scared away burglars and protected his wife. From now on, when my wife goes out at night, she's keeping a Dolph Lundgren picture in her purse. When fathers are concerned about their young daughter's chastity, they should affix a picture of Dolph Lundgren to her undergarments. Swine flu got you down? Scare away influenza H1N1 with a picture of Dolph Lundgren. Dude is 52-years-old and hasn't made a good movie since, good Lord perhaps ever, but it doesn't matter because his mere image is enough to scare criminals straight. I'm just going to make up the rest of this probably ridiculously untrue story: The burglars are all now priests who cater to homeless people. One of them actually killed himself just to be an organ donor (he jellyfished himself). I can't believe this story (because it's likely malarkey) but I LOVE that it exists. I bet on the set of The Expendables, Lundgren just told Jason Statham and Jet Li "Your move, bitches."
posted by Ryan at
8:52 AM
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