Quick clips for Thursday May 14

Yesterday's "worst idea ever" title holder is defeated in less than 24 hours

In what can only be described (with a nod to Kanye West) as the defeat of the century of the generation of the decade of the second week in May, someone has managed to put forth an idea shittier than the shittiest of shit sounding ideas that was shat out yesterday (don't worry Rob Liefeld, in my book, you're still the shittiest). According to Variety, Abel Ferrara (best known for directing Harvey Kietel's wang to glory in Bad Lieutenant) is going to "reimagine" Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I know what you're thinking; you're thinking "McDonald's burritos really weigh down my colon...oh, and Ryan must be talking about that terrible sounding Keanu Reeves remake of Jekyll." First, apologies to your intestinal tract. Second, no, I'm talking about a different project wherein Forrest Whittaker and 50 Cent are going to be the leads in a "contemporized" version. For the record, "contemporized" now means "jam-packed with sewage." Once again, the best part is always the quote from the producer who really wants you to believe he's thought this out. In this case, our quotation whore is Luc Roeg, who noted "The combination of such formidable talent in front of and behind the camera will turn this wonderful gothic story into a modern classic for a whole new generation." If this motherlover said that with a straight face, he needs to be elected to office immediately. I mean, "formidable talent?" 50 Cent sort of sucks at rapping...and THAT is what he does best. "Modern classic?" You mean, like, my family and I will hang out and discuss how that 50 Cent movie changed our perception of humanity? "Whole new generation?" Really? That sounds so...I don't know, poetic. "My fellow citizens, I stand before you today with renewed hope for our generation. When they said, you can't turn a wonderful gothic story into a modern classic, we said 'yes we can.'" Stay tuned for tomorrow's "worst news ever," which may just be a new recurring theme for this blog.

If you have any ideas involving vampires, we'll buy 'em now

The Hollywood Reporter wants you to know that any idea you've ever had involving people who suck blood is a good one and is valuable. The latest news is that DreamWorks has picked up the rights to remake Fright Night. Yes indeedy. For those unfamiliar, the film was an 80s gem that followed a kid who figured out there was vampirism afoot and nobody would believe him. It was also a comedy, which made it kind of unique. For the record, I am officially done with the following horror themes:

Vampires
Werewolves
Vampire/werewolves
Werewolf/vampires
99% of zombie movies

That said, there is an interesting thing potentially to be explored here: Humor. I can't think of the last successful horror comedy movie (in fact, I can't think of many at all, let alone good ones). Plus, with the vampire boner (wow, that's a scary phrase) that everybody has these days, a little riffing on them (non-Scary Movie obvious style) would be nice. Like, make your lead vampire who all the ladies fall in love with gay. Point is, although I'm against the greenlighting of any more vampire anything on sheer principle, wouldn't it be nice if there was a bit of intelligent humor to be had on the subject. In the absence of intelligent humor, I'll take 2 hours of nonstop Twilight jokes.

Lost recap: Well, either you're in or you're out

Read no further if you haven't seen last night's (once-more-with-feeling) "game-changing" episode of "Lost." I remember when we saw the season finale of season 4 and everyone said "ah, the show is about time travel," and everybody just assumed that was the driving force and concept behind the show and the rest of the episodes would play out using that theme. I also remember back during the first season when I theorized waaaaay back then that this island was actually the garden of Eden and that the driving force behind the events were biblical or religious in nature. Turns out, there may have been some truth in that, and in revealing that twist, I fear many will abandon the show. Their loss.

Here's what happened alongside my thoughts and reactions, we'll do this separated by the two storylines (both kick ass).

1.) We open with the big reveal: Jacob (in white) and someone else who is clearly his foil (dressed in black, wearing a beard, clearly evil). We see The Black Rock coming in, the evil dude says "Why are you bringing them here, you know what will happen, they'll fight, be corrupted, and it will end." (Or something close to that). Jacob says "it only has to end once, everything else is just progress." The evil one says "I want so badly to kill you" and says he's looking for a loophole in order to do so. And at once we see the entirety of "Lost" exposed. Jacob has chosen his champions (Jack, Kate, Sawyer, Locke, Sayid, Hurley, and Sun and Jin) to be pit against whatever forces the evil one has. Underneath the statue, which is revealed to have a crocodile head (which Internet research reveals is Sobek, an ancient Egyptian God known to be a "repairer of evil"), the two are playing an eternal game. Is mankind basically good? Will they do the "right" thing, no matter how hard it is? Greek Gods used to do this over and over again, as did biblical stories ("Job" anyone?) "Lost" tells the last in a series of these contests. We see as Jacob "repairs" the characters earlier in their lives, the effects of which we haven't seen yet. We see him convince Kate stealing is bad, comfort Jack after surgery, encourage Hurley to return to the island (and gives him that mysterious guitar case), console Sawyer after his parents death, remind Sun and Jin of their love, heal John after his fall, and take Nadia from Sayid (which is the only seemingly non-repair in the whole show...was this punishment then, doled out for shooting little Ben...speaking of which, in the recap show, Damon Lindelof seemed to confirm that Ben remembered Sayid shooting him, noting "it was when Ben's trust issues started." Interesting). More on Jacob's story later, but for the record, although some will hate this, I love it. I love the mythological aspects of the story, I always have. It doesn't cheapen the science at all, as the story has always blended the two (see, "Man of Science/Man of Faith" and little things like the fact that Ms. Hawking's research lab was beneath a church).

2.) Jack is ready to blow the island up. No need to recap how, but it's revealed that Sawyer and Jack are both in love with Kate, which is the cause for everyone to support the kablooie plan. Jack and Sayid snag the guts of Jughead the bomb, sneak into Dharmaville (where Sayid gets capped by Ben's dad...payback is a beyotch), and eventually the bomb is tossed into the well (after Marvin Candle loses his hand and Phil is killed). Then, sadly, Juliet (who was crushed by Sawyer's continued love of Kate) dies and blows up the island...maybe. The final fade to white will piss some folks off, but is just as good a cliffhanger as there can be. The question for the summer will be "did it work? Did they reset time?" The answer is yes, but with caveats, more on that below.

3.) We find out that what lies in the shadow of the statue is (in Latin) "He who will save us all." We see that the box that the people were carrying through the jungle was Locke's body. He is, in fact, still dead (which they told us over and over again "dead is dead"). Inside the temple, Ben kills Jacob, who refuses to comfort Ben the way he did others. Turns out, Locke wasn't Locke but the evil dude who was on the island with Jacob from the beginning. Before he dies, Jacob says "they're coming," which is the sign to me that the bomb worked. "They" are Jacob's soldiers, his champions (the Losties) and they are going to be brought forward in time. Things are different, but not entirely, we'll see next season that things are reset and that the "war" is upon us. We now know the sides, the "evil" guy versus "Jacob's gang" and at stake is the world as we know it.

Wow. Now, much like I admired Knowing for being willing to go full-on sci-fi, so too do I love "Lost" for it's willingness to take chances. Some will cry "shark jump," but this is (I believe) where the show has been going since the onset. I for one, can't wait to see where it goes from here. More on this next Wednesday, as in the absence of "Lost" we can only discuss it.

Programming note - Blog will be late tomorrow...I'm buying a house