Quick clips for Thursday May 21
What Blart hath wrought
Not happy merely being the untalented, unfunny blobby boob who slimed all over Scientolo-semi-hottie Leah Remini, Kevin James will now put his permanently Oreo-stained mitts all over Rosario Dawson. Oh, not for realsies; she would totally rock his junk with a stiletto if he tried that shit in real life. According to Variety, the lovely Ms. Dawson will ruin the goodwill she has accumulated by seeking a paycheck in The Zookeeper, which is already the worst movie of 2010. Don't believe me, here's the plot: Zoo animals teach the zookeeper how to date and mate. Mmm, poop sandwich. Every time I hear a pitch like this, I wonder how I'm not already in Hollywood writing screenplays. The studio payed $2 million for the idea. That's not a lie or some sick joke like capitalism. No worries though, the screenplay should be rock solid, as it was written by no less than five people. That's right, it took five people to properly capture the voice of the monkeys who make doin' it suggestions. Rocketing up my coveted "List of Hate," I've decided that Kevin James is the celebrity I now most revile. Not because of his success, but because he's devolving the state of comedy. We were so close, what with the uptick of Judd Apatow, to having a genre that wasn't soiled with the filth of Rob Schneider (do you KNOW how long it takes to scrub that out?) or Jim Carrey's slapstick stuff. Even the non-sophisticated comedies (a la Role Models) were getting funny. Now...we get elephants inevitably making schlong jokes. Yippee.
"Or when people gave all that money after rainstorm Katrina"
"30 Rock" may have had a let-down for the last few episodes, but even at its weakest it still produces a gem like "rainstorm Katrina." Anyhoo, this isn't a post about the hilariously skewered conservative mythos via one Jack Donaghey. No, this is about Variety's report that Will Smith is taking on Hurricane Katrina. Specifically, the former rap-tor turned current charming Oscar stalker is adapting the life of John Keller, an ex-marine who helped rescue 244 of his neighbors after the flooding. It's going to be written by John Lee Hancock, who has a name that would be perfect for a 50s rock star, a serial killer or an action hero. He wrote A Perfect World (Kevin Costner's best film...which is the equivalent of the most attractive syphilis-ridden blind date you've been set-up on) but also wrote The Alamo (oh...oh, lord no). What this tells me is that Hancock has the subtlety needed (maybe) but can also royally screw this up and turn it into a quasi-action/adventure movie (sample Will Smith line "Don't that just float your boat?"). To be sure, the real-life Keller is a man deserving of much praise...but I'm curious as to what kind of big-screen Katrina movie we're going to get here, especially from notorious panderer Big Willie. Spike Lee already did a whole lot to document the cause, you know, but making a documentary, but a big-budget movie with Will Smith reaches a whole different crowd (meaning, ones that don't have HBO). Hell, 7 Pounds was still a hit despite the jellyfishing, so you know that people will see whatever this man does. I hope that Willie reaches inside and doesn't make a movie about one man's heroism so much as he focuses on both the resilience of abandoned residents and the larger questions that surround the events. We all know where the fingers are pointing, now let's see a dramatized version of why...preferably one without the schmaltz.
The 10 reasons why the "Lost" finale ruled (alternate title "Suck it, Doubters")
Immediately after watching the season finale, my wife turned to me and said "Wow, some people are going to hate that." We launched into a discussion of how much we loved it, why some viewers were going to pull the "shark jumping" card, and argued the value of patience. I'm betting that 99% of people who didn't like the episode had a complaint similar to my friend Steve's; they wanted more "answers." I get it. We've been unwrapping a present for about 5 years now, and we really want to ride the bike that we know is inside. But, the anticipation is even better. You're never more excited than in that moment, so you have to really enjoy it. Besides, they have 16 hours to explain everything away, and have set themselves up beautifully to do just that. Having given everyone a full week to see it, I will now launch into spoiler-heavy territory and give to you, the 10 things that ruled about the finale.
10.) The gang got back together - It was great for the past, well shit 3-4 seasons, to see everyone we care about scattered around doing their own things, but when Hurley and his van pulled up and when Juliet sided with Jack and the whole damn gang came together, I got a little misty eyed. Admit it, when you saw EVERYONE working together to pull off another of Jack's "no way in hell this is going to work, in fact, you should do the opposite" plans, you got a little excited. Not Kate taking a jungle bath excited, but excited.
9.) Feeling the feelings - I'm not a huge fan of all the "will they/won't they" BS on the show, but as Abbie and I talked about during the episode, the only reason people do anything is for "love" (provided you extend that definition to mean sex stuff as well). Jack admitted his love for Kate, wanting to reboot to have a second chance with her (nice). Juliet confirmed her love for Sawyer and called him out on his love for Kate as well. Kate, in her defense, admittedly loves both of them. Point is, things were all said and confirmed. It was nice to have those words instead of longing looks.
8.) The stakes got bigger again - Without going too much into something you know will appear on this list later, how great is it that we're dealing with obviously larger stakes here again? When it was just a handful of people left on the island that Jack wanted to go back for or when it was just about reuniting people or love or such shit it wasn't as significant. We're talking about nukes, time paradoxes, and the ultimate battle for humanity's soul. Now THAT'S significant.
7.) Sawyer vs Jack round eleventy billion - Simply put, I love it when these two knock the crap out of each other. It's like they are just so physically incapable of communicating successfully that they have an uncontrollable urge to unleash violence whenever together. Love it.
6.) Rose and Bernard got a semi-happy ending - Whether or not it lasts, it sure was nice to see this older couple "retire." It was a sweet pause in an otherwise depressing and crazy season. Good for them, they got at least 3 years to relax on the beach.
5.) Answers we got - We actually got a surprising number of things solved. Here are a few: (1) Is Jacob real and if so who is he? (2) How did Marvin Candle lose his arm? (3) What was "the incident?" (4) What lies in the shadow of the statue? (5) What was the four-toed statue originally? (6) Why are some of the Losties more important than others? That's just a few, there were more, but come on, that's not bad for one episode (plus, they gave other hints to set up more conclusions).
4.) Locke's reveal - You can claim that you knew, but you didn't. For the second year in a row, John in the box was a huge shocker. How great was it that this character, who we've loved, is dead as dead can be and yet still can continue on the show. Sure, they could be resetting everything with the whole bomb blast, but how cool was that moment when John's corpse rolled out?
3.) Ben's moment - Equally as good was Ben Linus fulfilling his role. Finally, here was a controlling manipulator who was out of answers and at the end of his rope. Clearly, the "loophole" that was needed was that the "leader" of the "others" was the only one who could see Jacob, so that person had to be convinced to kill him. Since John wasn't John, Ben was still the technical last leader of the group. Geez, that line from Jacob "what about you, Ben?" was so awesomely harsh. Loved it. Especially given the last line from Jacob "they're coming." How could you not love this episode?!
2.) The end-game is finally here - We were promised Good vs Evil back when Locke was playing with Walt. We knew those were the stakes. We also knew that it would have a larger significance than a mere microcosm of Dharma vs Others or whatnot. Much like the Greeks, Romans, and modern Americans with their fantasy football teams, champions are chosen to represent two sides who do battle like a chess set. They were chosen specifically for this purpose. This IS the final chapter, because we now see the people behind the pawns.
1.) We finally got a bad guy - The only problem with the show has been the lack of one driving villain. Sure, Ben is slimy, but not quite a bad guy out and out. Now we get "the man in black," who could be Esau and is likely Smokey. That's incredibly awesome. You can't deny that, at least.
To make a long post that's really just filler for a slow news week finally close, there was far more to like than dislike about this episode and about the show heading in. If you watch the show, you have from the beginning and thought at that point (when you first decided to watch it) that it was going to have something to do with a battle of good and evil like this, so you know this is what you wanted. Enjoy it. Don't get greedy and want answers now. Breathe deep, relax, and get ready for next year.
Not happy merely being the untalented, unfunny blobby boob who slimed all over Scientolo-semi-hottie Leah Remini, Kevin James will now put his permanently Oreo-stained mitts all over Rosario Dawson. Oh, not for realsies; she would totally rock his junk with a stiletto if he tried that shit in real life. According to Variety, the lovely Ms. Dawson will ruin the goodwill she has accumulated by seeking a paycheck in The Zookeeper, which is already the worst movie of 2010. Don't believe me, here's the plot: Zoo animals teach the zookeeper how to date and mate. Mmm, poop sandwich. Every time I hear a pitch like this, I wonder how I'm not already in Hollywood writing screenplays. The studio payed $2 million for the idea. That's not a lie or some sick joke like capitalism. No worries though, the screenplay should be rock solid, as it was written by no less than five people. That's right, it took five people to properly capture the voice of the monkeys who make doin' it suggestions. Rocketing up my coveted "List of Hate," I've decided that Kevin James is the celebrity I now most revile. Not because of his success, but because he's devolving the state of comedy. We were so close, what with the uptick of Judd Apatow, to having a genre that wasn't soiled with the filth of Rob Schneider (do you KNOW how long it takes to scrub that out?) or Jim Carrey's slapstick stuff. Even the non-sophisticated comedies (a la Role Models) were getting funny. Now...we get elephants inevitably making schlong jokes. Yippee.
"Or when people gave all that money after rainstorm Katrina"
"30 Rock" may have had a let-down for the last few episodes, but even at its weakest it still produces a gem like "rainstorm Katrina." Anyhoo, this isn't a post about the hilariously skewered conservative mythos via one Jack Donaghey. No, this is about Variety's report that Will Smith is taking on Hurricane Katrina. Specifically, the former rap-tor turned current charming Oscar stalker is adapting the life of John Keller, an ex-marine who helped rescue 244 of his neighbors after the flooding. It's going to be written by John Lee Hancock, who has a name that would be perfect for a 50s rock star, a serial killer or an action hero. He wrote A Perfect World (Kevin Costner's best film...which is the equivalent of the most attractive syphilis-ridden blind date you've been set-up on) but also wrote The Alamo (oh...oh, lord no). What this tells me is that Hancock has the subtlety needed (maybe) but can also royally screw this up and turn it into a quasi-action/adventure movie (sample Will Smith line "Don't that just float your boat?"). To be sure, the real-life Keller is a man deserving of much praise...but I'm curious as to what kind of big-screen Katrina movie we're going to get here, especially from notorious panderer Big Willie. Spike Lee already did a whole lot to document the cause, you know, but making a documentary, but a big-budget movie with Will Smith reaches a whole different crowd (meaning, ones that don't have HBO). Hell, 7 Pounds was still a hit despite the jellyfishing, so you know that people will see whatever this man does. I hope that Willie reaches inside and doesn't make a movie about one man's heroism so much as he focuses on both the resilience of abandoned residents and the larger questions that surround the events. We all know where the fingers are pointing, now let's see a dramatized version of why...preferably one without the schmaltz.
The 10 reasons why the "Lost" finale ruled (alternate title "Suck it, Doubters")
Immediately after watching the season finale, my wife turned to me and said "Wow, some people are going to hate that." We launched into a discussion of how much we loved it, why some viewers were going to pull the "shark jumping" card, and argued the value of patience. I'm betting that 99% of people who didn't like the episode had a complaint similar to my friend Steve's; they wanted more "answers." I get it. We've been unwrapping a present for about 5 years now, and we really want to ride the bike that we know is inside. But, the anticipation is even better. You're never more excited than in that moment, so you have to really enjoy it. Besides, they have 16 hours to explain everything away, and have set themselves up beautifully to do just that. Having given everyone a full week to see it, I will now launch into spoiler-heavy territory and give to you, the 10 things that ruled about the finale.
10.) The gang got back together - It was great for the past, well shit 3-4 seasons, to see everyone we care about scattered around doing their own things, but when Hurley and his van pulled up and when Juliet sided with Jack and the whole damn gang came together, I got a little misty eyed. Admit it, when you saw EVERYONE working together to pull off another of Jack's "no way in hell this is going to work, in fact, you should do the opposite" plans, you got a little excited. Not Kate taking a jungle bath excited, but excited.
9.) Feeling the feelings - I'm not a huge fan of all the "will they/won't they" BS on the show, but as Abbie and I talked about during the episode, the only reason people do anything is for "love" (provided you extend that definition to mean sex stuff as well). Jack admitted his love for Kate, wanting to reboot to have a second chance with her (nice). Juliet confirmed her love for Sawyer and called him out on his love for Kate as well. Kate, in her defense, admittedly loves both of them. Point is, things were all said and confirmed. It was nice to have those words instead of longing looks.
8.) The stakes got bigger again - Without going too much into something you know will appear on this list later, how great is it that we're dealing with obviously larger stakes here again? When it was just a handful of people left on the island that Jack wanted to go back for or when it was just about reuniting people or love or such shit it wasn't as significant. We're talking about nukes, time paradoxes, and the ultimate battle for humanity's soul. Now THAT'S significant.
7.) Sawyer vs Jack round eleventy billion - Simply put, I love it when these two knock the crap out of each other. It's like they are just so physically incapable of communicating successfully that they have an uncontrollable urge to unleash violence whenever together. Love it.
6.) Rose and Bernard got a semi-happy ending - Whether or not it lasts, it sure was nice to see this older couple "retire." It was a sweet pause in an otherwise depressing and crazy season. Good for them, they got at least 3 years to relax on the beach.
5.) Answers we got - We actually got a surprising number of things solved. Here are a few: (1) Is Jacob real and if so who is he? (2) How did Marvin Candle lose his arm? (3) What was "the incident?" (4) What lies in the shadow of the statue? (5) What was the four-toed statue originally? (6) Why are some of the Losties more important than others? That's just a few, there were more, but come on, that's not bad for one episode (plus, they gave other hints to set up more conclusions).
4.) Locke's reveal - You can claim that you knew, but you didn't. For the second year in a row, John in the box was a huge shocker. How great was it that this character, who we've loved, is dead as dead can be and yet still can continue on the show. Sure, they could be resetting everything with the whole bomb blast, but how cool was that moment when John's corpse rolled out?
3.) Ben's moment - Equally as good was Ben Linus fulfilling his role. Finally, here was a controlling manipulator who was out of answers and at the end of his rope. Clearly, the "loophole" that was needed was that the "leader" of the "others" was the only one who could see Jacob, so that person had to be convinced to kill him. Since John wasn't John, Ben was still the technical last leader of the group. Geez, that line from Jacob "what about you, Ben?" was so awesomely harsh. Loved it. Especially given the last line from Jacob "they're coming." How could you not love this episode?!
2.) The end-game is finally here - We were promised Good vs Evil back when Locke was playing with Walt. We knew those were the stakes. We also knew that it would have a larger significance than a mere microcosm of Dharma vs Others or whatnot. Much like the Greeks, Romans, and modern Americans with their fantasy football teams, champions are chosen to represent two sides who do battle like a chess set. They were chosen specifically for this purpose. This IS the final chapter, because we now see the people behind the pawns.
1.) We finally got a bad guy - The only problem with the show has been the lack of one driving villain. Sure, Ben is slimy, but not quite a bad guy out and out. Now we get "the man in black," who could be Esau and is likely Smokey. That's incredibly awesome. You can't deny that, at least.
To make a long post that's really just filler for a slow news week finally close, there was far more to like than dislike about this episode and about the show heading in. If you watch the show, you have from the beginning and thought at that point (when you first decided to watch it) that it was going to have something to do with a battle of good and evil like this, so you know this is what you wanted. Enjoy it. Don't get greedy and want answers now. Breathe deep, relax, and get ready for next year.
posted by Ryan at
7:57 AM
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