Quick clips for Thursday May 28

Maybe it's time we accept defeat

Brethren and sistren (I'm fairly sure that's not right) of the movie-lovin' world, perhaps it's time to admit that we've been bested by the bastards of box office, we've been ravaged by the ruiners who reboot, that we've been crushed by the criminals of celluloid.

I'll lay it bare for all to consider: Perhaps it's time to stop getting mad at remakes.

Fox Studios (which I will from now on refer to as FFS...the last two letters stand for "Fox Studios") is supposedly (according to BloodyDisgusting.com) remaking Alien. This has caused many people I follow to commit cyber Hari-kari (which is nowhere near as fun as cyber Harry Caray). I understand the desire for self-immolation after hearing such a thing, believe me I do. But it's time we face facts. From the time of the Star Wars prequels until now, things have been bleak and they ain't gettin' less bleaker anytime soon. We live in the era of remakes and reboots, some good (Star Trek) and some bad (The Honeymooners...I just picked one and this thing was on TBS recently...uggggh). Thing is, WE have to change, because they aren't going to.

Every time it's reported that they're remaking (insert said beloved property here), people flip their shit. They lose it in a fit of verbs and nouns hurled furiously into the interwebs. Nobody cares. In fact, they may like it because their film is being discussed, which is all "they" care about anyway. I'm not saying that I'm not going to feign outrage for the sake of humor (which, let's face it, is hard enough to conceive on a consistent basis), but I'm going to say it:

I'm not letting remakes get to me anymore.

We're reasonable people. We can go back to the original films/TV shows/bubble-gum-comic-strips and celebrate them because technology has all but guaranteed that we will be able to do so in perpetuity. Yes, they are sullying the good name of something wonderful and original when it was first conceived (but look what they've done to capitalism...or Jennifer Love Hewitt...I can keep going with this one). Point is, the Alien remake will likely suck. It will likely be derivative and stupid and feel less professional than a fan-flick. Then, when FFS is done with that, they'll move on to devour some other good idea, like a pack of wild cannibals in a nudist colony. That's what they do: They ruin shit you love for profit. So do a lot of other studios.

So instead of dwelling on the massacre of dreams, let's make a deal you random, faceless people out there not reading this. Let's say that anytime we report about a stupid, awful remake, we mention something (however briefly) original and cool that's happening. Like, Moon comes out in June (hey, that rhymes) and I can't wait to see it. See, you counteract the evil of a sci-fi remake with the power of an original sci-fi thought. The power of originality compels you.

So, in conclusion, mock away for the purposes of blogs or tweets (check out BloodyDisgusting on Twitter...my plug for their inspiration regarding this post), and then fire back with something cool to cleanse your pallet, but let us no longer ACTUALLY be furious about remakes. We just fake it for moderate fame and little fortune, you know, like porn stars.

Who dat Doctor?

I may be the only person who laughs every time that I see the Who Dat Ninja in Tracy Jordan's office on "30 Rock." Hence the title of this post. Anyhoodles, I was reading an article about "Dr. Who" the other day, it was in "Wizard Magazine's" list of top Sci-Fi TV shows ever (a list as suspect as the highest-profile guest star on a "Law and Order" episode) and thought "hey, why isn't there a "Dr. Who" movie? This isn't because I'm a huge fan. I'm not. I have barely watched a handful of episodes...but I like the idea. I like the look of the show, the feel of the universe, and the conceit that allows different actors to play the same character. My God, that's more than most big-budget franchises have going for it. Well, the BBC had a story on Who and the possibility of a movie was sort-of-kind-of raised. This isn't really an announcement of them moving forward with things, but it is a step in (what I think) is the right direction. First of all, if they make a movie it will give me the right opportunity to get working on my new "Who's on first" routine (tentative title: "Who's in first...at the box office" ZING). Second, and more importantly, it could actually be quite good. With a bit more budget and the same creative force driving things, it would be inspired. Plus, I like that they don't use these burly lumberjack guys for the lead role. You could potentially see a Hugh Grant (not suggesting that, don't murder me) with the starring role in an action/sci-fi vehicle. That's cool. Color me moderately intrigued (my favorite Crayola).

Tom Cruise is indecisive about things other than religion and women

For a guy who is certain about crazy shit, Tommy can't pull the trigger on stuff he should know by now...like what movie to do next. He's currently circling The 28th Amendment, The Materese Circle, Lost for Words, The Tourist, and Motorcade. Now comes word he's considering an action-comedy with Cameron Diaz called Witchita about a spy who does stuff with Cameron Diaz, who plays a single lady. That's what passes as an idea these days. Personally, I think I know why he's confused, as almost all of these involve spies, intrigue, suspense, or action of some kind. They all sound terribly generic and not particularly "career resurrecting." Take Valkyrie, a perfectly competent movie (if you get past the funny pants and eyepatch on Cruise), that did perfectly competent money. It didn't put him on or off the map. He's looking for the next step and none of these sound like it. The problem is, he's already gone "villain" in Collateral, so that wouldn't be a big game changer to do again. He's done the wacky cameo in Tropic Thunder, so a comedy wouldn't even feel strange. I honestly think that he needs to consider some kind of serious, dramatic and challenging role. Here, Tom, do this: Call Sean Penn and ask him what movie HE thinks you should do. He's been winning Oscars like it's his job. Call Danny Day Lewis and ask him what's up. Or, if all else fails, find a brilliant director (like you did with Paul Thomas Anderson for your best performance in Magnolia) and get involved with that project (has Darren Aronofsky got his Robocop yet?). Just some advice. Feel free to go Matt Lauer on it.