Friday free for all
Eating Chud's cud
I'm a sucker for lists almost as much as I'm a sucker for report cards (as opposed to a report card sucker or someone who got suckers for report cards...I'm going to stop there). Yesterday, Devin at Chud.com doled out his mid-summer grades, which you should check out here (seriously, check him out, that mothertrucker is funny...he blasted the tweet that defined my experience of finding out that Michael Jackson died via twitter yesterday, "It's been touching sharing the death of America's greatest weirdo pedophile with you in real time"). It's a Friday, the entertainment world is falling into seizures trying to memorialize MJ while delicately handling the last 20 years of molestation, psychotic behavior, and baby dangling; so, nobody is releasing any interesting information so much as they are cutting together montages to "Smooth Criminal," which is a total bad-ass song, no matter what Ben Coffman says. I contemplated doing a "separating the artist from the art" piece, wherein I discussed how a lot of the greatest masters of art are totally bugf**k crazy and that it's okay to really love their work without supporting their propensity to do terrible and weird things...but then I realized that I'm nowhere near that sophisticated and I didn't want to devolve into tasteless humor (because, let me tell you, tasteless humor is flying through the air like food in the Swedish Chef's kitchen today). So, instead, I'll ape Devin and score the summer movies so far. I'm going to be revisiting them more than just reposting my original grades for them...and I haven't seen a few, so forgive me and just appreciate that this has nothing to do with Michael Jackson.
May
X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Original grade - C-
New grade - C
Now, I'm going to get more flack than fighter pilots who may be forced to drop bombs on North Korea (that's not a joke, that's a reminder to occasionally seek news other than "Michael Jackson is still dead" in the next few days) for slightly improving this score, on account of the movie being written by semi-trained monkeys. They ruined Deadpool, had some truly stupid dialogue, and smooshed the most interesting backstory in comics into a truly average film...but as the summer wears on, average becomes a badge of honor. You'll want to thank the last few weeks for lowering the bar, Hugh Jackman.
Star Trek
Original grade - A
New grade - A
The most enjoyable film so far this year (the italics are so people don't say "how could you think it's the best film of the year?" that is, they would say that if they actually communicated with me). So much fun that I think I'm going to try to go see it again before it leaves theaters. Loves it.
Angels and Demons
I didn't see it, so I'm deferring to Ben Coffman, who is pretty reliable despite his denial of "Smooth Criminal" as a totally wicked awesome tune.
Original grade - B-
New grade - C
This is straight from the Coffman's mouth: "It resonated less than even the first film, The DaVinci Code, which wasn't exactly a thinkpiece." Hey at least Ben coined the term "blockblustery" in the review for it, a term I plan on using relentlessly in years to come.
Terminator Salvation
Original grade - D+
New grade - D
By the time it's all said and done, it may rank as an F for me. Seriously, the robots find the guy they're looking for and CAPTURE him? Plus, I heard the original ending idea. Now, that would have been something. It may have been a spectacular failure, but it would have been something to see, as opposed to this nutless, stupid bag of bolts. McG is McDead to me.
Night at the Museum 2: Battle of the Smithsonian
I would never make anyone see this. It gets an incomplete, which it likely is.
Up
Original grade - A
New grade - A
It's teetering on an A+. It's that GD good, folks. This IS the best film of the year so far, not just in terms of entertainment but in its power to move you. Enjoy your first Best Picture nomination this year, Pixar. Try to pretend you would have gotten one if there were only 5 nominees.
Drag Me to Hell
This isn't one I saw either. Our own Justin Senkbile did and had some nice things to say about it, as did most of the internets. I'll just repost his original grade and move on.
Original grade - B
Same goes for his Land of the Lost review
June
Land of the Lost
Original grade - D-
Ouch.
The Hangover
Original grade - B
New grade - B
Still not as funny as everyone wants it to be, but in no way bad. It's got sporadically hilarious moments, but is mostly just enjoyable. Plus, I'm getting sick of this no-funny-women stuff. Sarah Silverman is funnier on her twitter feed (and raunchier) than many moments in this movie.
The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3
Another Justin one.
Original grade - C+
Year One
Original grade - D
New grade - F
The more I thought about it, the more it cheesed me off. If I have an F rating, I may as well use it on this one, as I can't fathom something less enjoyable happening to me that didn't involve physical harm.
Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen
Original grade - D+
New grade - D
It's gotten worse in my memory over 2 days. By the end of the summer, this will be an example of something worse than Year One that can happen to me. The best is how the screenwriters are now pointing to Michael Bay explicitly as being responsible for the racist robots. They may be telling the truth, but it would have been nice for them to say something when they saw it screened for them prior to widespread release. Enjoy your box office records, you morally reprehensible brainless behemoth of a movie!
This post has gone on so long that there's little chance you're still reading, so I'm going to get right to the point (after like 1,000 words):
OVERALL SUMMER MID-TERM GRADE (drumroll please): B-
Slightly above average thanks to Star Trek and Up. We'll do another tally at the end of the summer (which, given the insane length of this one, I can only assume you'll skip right by).
Weekend Battle Plan: DON'T SEE TRANSFORMERS 2...what do you mean you already did...twice...
I know that movie critics are as valuable to your weekend plans as cacti are to fish, but if you've ever listened to me before, heed my words now: DO NOT SEE TRANSFORMERS 2. Michael Bay is becoming a dark overlord, that's my only explanation for the sheer evil I see before me. He must somehow be using the incomprehensible, racist movie to instruct his minions to commit various acts of terror and hatred. That's the only reasonable meaning behind how a movie this big can be this bad. It's like people at the studio didn't even watch it. Maybe they were all "who cares what's on the actual film, it's already made $200 million and it isn't released until next month." They KNOW you're going to see this, so do the opposite just to mess with them. Hell, see the movie with the dying sister kid or whatever. I don't care, just don't go see this. If Bay gets more powerful, it will mean the end of all humanity as we know it. We'll all be forced to wear mullets, sculpt our bodies into unrecognizably chiseled forms, and develop the intellect of Megan Fox (meaning basic functions like walking will become a nuanced and difficult process). Only you can prevent this from happening.
That's my recommendation: Do anything you want to do in the whole wide world that is legal besides seeing Transformers 2. Do you hear me?
On DVD: As I told Steve King on the radio show today, I'm recommending Confessions of a Shopaholic out of spite against Michael Bay. Now, you're probably saying, but Ryan, Jerry Bruckheimer (Bay's long-time associate and [presumed] heterosexual lifepartner) produced that movie, why would that be a spiteful thing to do to Bay? Well, it's full of as much estrogen as Bay's films are testosterone, and Isla Fisher will remind you of your humanity, whereas Transformers 2 will make you question the point of living. Fisher is a beautiful, talented actress languishing in a moderately boring little film, but still...if we support her in this maybe she'll get better roles. Also, it's not Transformers 2.
Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions
I don't know what happened to this blog today. I'm just grossly over my self-allotted word count (people often tell me they don't read the blog because it's too damn long...so, they're long gone by now). This is going to be an easy week to pick number one, but who's going to go number two (ha, get it?) and who will round out the top 5 is a bit less clear. I'm counting on Bullock's naughty bits to get me through. Also, I'm only predicting the WEEKEND totals for TF2, not the whole 5-day opening because they were the only film to do so (next week we'll do a full 5-day for everybody, because it's a holiday and I love America).
Here's how I see it (haiku style):
1.) Transformers 2: I Heart Racism - $91 million
Nothing more to say.
Racist robots and bad script
have made me quite sad.
2.) The Proposal - $19 million
Sandra is back boys!
Perhaps this time she will stay?
This makes Steve quite happy.
3.) The Hangover - $15.5 million
This film just won't stop.
Look for another one soon.
No clue how that works.
4.) Up - $15 million
What more can you say?
A best picture nod maybe?
Why the Sam Hell not?
5.) My Sister's Keeper - $9.5 million
I don't know this one.
Haven't seen a single ad.
Enjoy this one, gals!
WILDCARD: Year One - $9 million
I hope this is wrong.
I want to forget it all.
Like it never was.
Okay, that's your epic, unnecessary blog for the day. Enjoy your weekend and don't get too sucked in to constant MJ coverage, you're better than that.
I'm a sucker for lists almost as much as I'm a sucker for report cards (as opposed to a report card sucker or someone who got suckers for report cards...I'm going to stop there). Yesterday, Devin at Chud.com doled out his mid-summer grades, which you should check out here (seriously, check him out, that mothertrucker is funny...he blasted the tweet that defined my experience of finding out that Michael Jackson died via twitter yesterday, "It's been touching sharing the death of America's greatest weirdo pedophile with you in real time"). It's a Friday, the entertainment world is falling into seizures trying to memorialize MJ while delicately handling the last 20 years of molestation, psychotic behavior, and baby dangling; so, nobody is releasing any interesting information so much as they are cutting together montages to "Smooth Criminal," which is a total bad-ass song, no matter what Ben Coffman says. I contemplated doing a "separating the artist from the art" piece, wherein I discussed how a lot of the greatest masters of art are totally bugf**k crazy and that it's okay to really love their work without supporting their propensity to do terrible and weird things...but then I realized that I'm nowhere near that sophisticated and I didn't want to devolve into tasteless humor (because, let me tell you, tasteless humor is flying through the air like food in the Swedish Chef's kitchen today). So, instead, I'll ape Devin and score the summer movies so far. I'm going to be revisiting them more than just reposting my original grades for them...and I haven't seen a few, so forgive me and just appreciate that this has nothing to do with Michael Jackson.
May
X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Original grade - C-
New grade - C
Now, I'm going to get more flack than fighter pilots who may be forced to drop bombs on North Korea (that's not a joke, that's a reminder to occasionally seek news other than "Michael Jackson is still dead" in the next few days) for slightly improving this score, on account of the movie being written by semi-trained monkeys. They ruined Deadpool, had some truly stupid dialogue, and smooshed the most interesting backstory in comics into a truly average film...but as the summer wears on, average becomes a badge of honor. You'll want to thank the last few weeks for lowering the bar, Hugh Jackman.
Star Trek
Original grade - A
New grade - A
The most enjoyable film so far this year (the italics are so people don't say "how could you think it's the best film of the year?" that is, they would say that if they actually communicated with me). So much fun that I think I'm going to try to go see it again before it leaves theaters. Loves it.
Angels and Demons
I didn't see it, so I'm deferring to Ben Coffman, who is pretty reliable despite his denial of "Smooth Criminal" as a totally wicked awesome tune.
Original grade - B-
New grade - C
This is straight from the Coffman's mouth: "It resonated less than even the first film, The DaVinci Code, which wasn't exactly a thinkpiece." Hey at least Ben coined the term "blockblustery" in the review for it, a term I plan on using relentlessly in years to come.
Terminator Salvation
Original grade - D+
New grade - D
By the time it's all said and done, it may rank as an F for me. Seriously, the robots find the guy they're looking for and CAPTURE him? Plus, I heard the original ending idea. Now, that would have been something. It may have been a spectacular failure, but it would have been something to see, as opposed to this nutless, stupid bag of bolts. McG is McDead to me.
Night at the Museum 2: Battle of the Smithsonian
I would never make anyone see this. It gets an incomplete, which it likely is.
Up
Original grade - A
New grade - A
It's teetering on an A+. It's that GD good, folks. This IS the best film of the year so far, not just in terms of entertainment but in its power to move you. Enjoy your first Best Picture nomination this year, Pixar. Try to pretend you would have gotten one if there were only 5 nominees.
Drag Me to Hell
This isn't one I saw either. Our own Justin Senkbile did and had some nice things to say about it, as did most of the internets. I'll just repost his original grade and move on.
Original grade - B
Same goes for his Land of the Lost review
June
Land of the Lost
Original grade - D-
Ouch.
The Hangover
Original grade - B
New grade - B
Still not as funny as everyone wants it to be, but in no way bad. It's got sporadically hilarious moments, but is mostly just enjoyable. Plus, I'm getting sick of this no-funny-women stuff. Sarah Silverman is funnier on her twitter feed (and raunchier) than many moments in this movie.
The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3
Another Justin one.
Original grade - C+
Year One
Original grade - D
New grade - F
The more I thought about it, the more it cheesed me off. If I have an F rating, I may as well use it on this one, as I can't fathom something less enjoyable happening to me that didn't involve physical harm.
Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen
Original grade - D+
New grade - D
It's gotten worse in my memory over 2 days. By the end of the summer, this will be an example of something worse than Year One that can happen to me. The best is how the screenwriters are now pointing to Michael Bay explicitly as being responsible for the racist robots. They may be telling the truth, but it would have been nice for them to say something when they saw it screened for them prior to widespread release. Enjoy your box office records, you morally reprehensible brainless behemoth of a movie!
This post has gone on so long that there's little chance you're still reading, so I'm going to get right to the point (after like 1,000 words):
OVERALL SUMMER MID-TERM GRADE (drumroll please): B-
Slightly above average thanks to Star Trek and Up. We'll do another tally at the end of the summer (which, given the insane length of this one, I can only assume you'll skip right by).
Weekend Battle Plan: DON'T SEE TRANSFORMERS 2...what do you mean you already did...twice...
I know that movie critics are as valuable to your weekend plans as cacti are to fish, but if you've ever listened to me before, heed my words now: DO NOT SEE TRANSFORMERS 2. Michael Bay is becoming a dark overlord, that's my only explanation for the sheer evil I see before me. He must somehow be using the incomprehensible, racist movie to instruct his minions to commit various acts of terror and hatred. That's the only reasonable meaning behind how a movie this big can be this bad. It's like people at the studio didn't even watch it. Maybe they were all "who cares what's on the actual film, it's already made $200 million and it isn't released until next month." They KNOW you're going to see this, so do the opposite just to mess with them. Hell, see the movie with the dying sister kid or whatever. I don't care, just don't go see this. If Bay gets more powerful, it will mean the end of all humanity as we know it. We'll all be forced to wear mullets, sculpt our bodies into unrecognizably chiseled forms, and develop the intellect of Megan Fox (meaning basic functions like walking will become a nuanced and difficult process). Only you can prevent this from happening.
That's my recommendation: Do anything you want to do in the whole wide world that is legal besides seeing Transformers 2. Do you hear me?
On DVD: As I told Steve King on the radio show today, I'm recommending Confessions of a Shopaholic out of spite against Michael Bay. Now, you're probably saying, but Ryan, Jerry Bruckheimer (Bay's long-time associate and [presumed] heterosexual lifepartner) produced that movie, why would that be a spiteful thing to do to Bay? Well, it's full of as much estrogen as Bay's films are testosterone, and Isla Fisher will remind you of your humanity, whereas Transformers 2 will make you question the point of living. Fisher is a beautiful, talented actress languishing in a moderately boring little film, but still...if we support her in this maybe she'll get better roles. Also, it's not Transformers 2.
Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions
I don't know what happened to this blog today. I'm just grossly over my self-allotted word count (people often tell me they don't read the blog because it's too damn long...so, they're long gone by now). This is going to be an easy week to pick number one, but who's going to go number two (ha, get it?) and who will round out the top 5 is a bit less clear. I'm counting on Bullock's naughty bits to get me through. Also, I'm only predicting the WEEKEND totals for TF2, not the whole 5-day opening because they were the only film to do so (next week we'll do a full 5-day for everybody, because it's a holiday and I love America).
Here's how I see it (haiku style):
1.) Transformers 2: I Heart Racism - $91 million
Nothing more to say.
Racist robots and bad script
have made me quite sad.
2.) The Proposal - $19 million
Sandra is back boys!
Perhaps this time she will stay?
This makes Steve quite happy.
3.) The Hangover - $15.5 million
This film just won't stop.
Look for another one soon.
No clue how that works.
4.) Up - $15 million
What more can you say?
A best picture nod maybe?
Why the Sam Hell not?
5.) My Sister's Keeper - $9.5 million
I don't know this one.
Haven't seen a single ad.
Enjoy this one, gals!
WILDCARD: Year One - $9 million
I hope this is wrong.
I want to forget it all.
Like it never was.
Okay, that's your epic, unnecessary blog for the day. Enjoy your weekend and don't get too sucked in to constant MJ coverage, you're better than that.
posted by Ryan at
7:04 AM
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