Quick clips for Monday June 22

Steven Soderbergh is down a ball

In addition to the many balls that steroids have shrunk, I think I'm going to blame steroids for this one too. All of the trades this weekend announced that Columbia Pictures stuck the baseball-flick Moneyball in the shitter two days before it was supposed to start shooting. Ouch. The story is that Amy Pascal, described in the Variety piece as "Columbia Pictures topper" (which makes her sound like she spends her time standing on cakes) got around to reading the rewrite director Steven Soderbergh did to Steven Zaillian's script and shit canned it immediately thereafter. Don't take it personally Steve, she had no qualms about the Spiderman 3 script, so clearly she likes a little more feces in the screenplay. The film was put into "limited turnaround," which means Steve spent the weekend calling in and offering favors (bow-chicka-bow-wow) to try to get another studio to pony up and get in on the film...which happens to star Brad Pitt. So, for those counting at home, that's Brad Pitt as the main star, Oscar-Winner Steven Soderbergh as the director, and Oscar-Winner Steven Zaillian writing the script...and Pascal euthanized it 96 hours before start time, a full 3 months after Soderbergh started interviewing ballplayers for footage to use in the film. Wow, did Soderbergh revise the draft until it's now a 3-hour documentary on the perfect meatball, with Pitt starring as a noodle? Nobody is saying that $50 million for a movie based on the economics of baseball is a sure thing...but you've got more than enough to sell this sucker with Brad Pitt. Plus, you have to consider how easy marketing to your target audience would be, what with countless radio sports talk show hosts salivating about the prospect of talking to Brad Pitt instead of the monosyllabic cliche-spewers they normally interview. Maybe this is just because I'm currently wearing a Cubs shirt while typing this, but I can't believe that Columbia Pictures read the Year One script and was like "HELL effing YES, we're gonna get RICH BITCHES!" and then read a script passed by two Oscar winners and loved by Brad Pitt and said "ummmm can we get Sandra Bullock to show up 'Maxim' nude in it?" Maybe they should offer to throw Jack Black in there to act like he ate paint chips and show his man teets, Columbia apparently thinks that's a license to print money. There hasn't been a good baseball movie in forever now, here's hoping Soderbergh can somehow find the stones to get his balls back.

The weekend news was slow enough that I am, in fact, going to talk about the Teen Wolf remake

I wanted to show some restraint. I honestly did. I was seriously going to ignore the information that Teen Wolf is going to be remade by some assholes with money that they're too lazy to light on fire or flush. I also couldn't think of the appropriate angle to take when discussing the Teen Wolf remake. Should I go with a blurb that skewers the modern high-school/tweenage movement and add to the growing body of Miley Cyrus verbal feces-flinging (perhaps with a hint of joking about Vanessa Hudgen's use of a personal camera to document her ability to grow into the role naturally)? Should I speak reverently about my affection for the first film and risk the slings and arrows of everyone else who has seen it and realized that it is, in fact, among the worst non-war crime atrocities ever perpetrated on a people? Should I propose the ridiculous story elements they could really play up (50 bucks says "Shades" is turned either into a token minority or "a gay!")? I mean, I could take the noble way out and talk about how much Michael J Fox ruled and how terrible it is that he was taken out of the game by a stupid and awful illness, but I'm not noble and I'm still kinda pissed at Fox for that kid's movie he made. So, I guess that just leaves me taking no interesting approach at all, simply mentioning that this is happening and that it leaves the possible movies to remake from the 80s at three (all of them starring Steven Segal). Oh, and it was this or show you the character designs that everybody is showing off from the Tim Burton Alice in Wonderland movie, and that shit is just nightmare-inducing. Plus, it's kind of unoriginal (other than somehow giving Helena Bonham Carter a head as big as Tim Burton's), although Anne Hathaway still looks hot. You can find that elsewhere, I'm not putting it here where it will scare me every time I log in. Seriously, when I find Teen Wolf remake news LESS terrifying, you've done something against God.

Weekend Box Office Results: Sandra Bullock should thank Matt Lauer for his perviness

I don't care that Sandra Bullock just proved you STILL don't have to have a good idea for a romantic comedy so long as it's released at the right time because all guys still kind of love her (she's like the hot chick you think would actually talk to you at the party...she wouldn't but you think she would). I don't care that Ryan Reynolds just, once again, kept himself relevant despite not making just one movie I've ever actually liked all the way through (The Nines). I don't care that Matt Lauer's dirty giggling about seeing Sandra Bullock "nude" (meaning technically naked but covered by more materials than many young girls wear to the mall) actually seemed to boost interest in the picture. Nope, I care that the film's writer pretended to be a woman at first before revealing he had junk. Supposedly it's a cute story, but I'm feeling like it went something like this "What do you mean this script is by a woman, we can't film that!" "Just kidding, it was a guy who wrote it!" "Oh, thank Jesus, I thought for a minute 'they' had figured out how to use a computer." Nice to see we keep the women in front of the camera almost showing their nurples to get attention, just like it should be (note the sarcasm hand is raised high here).

Here's how it went, haiku style:

1.) The Proposal - $34 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

Bullock's best open,
aided by rumors of boob.
Her dad must be proud.

2.) The Hangover - $26.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 92%)

Still going quite strong.
With no real competition,
more asskicking soon.

3.) Up - $21 million (Accuracy of prediction - 98%)

It just passed WALL-E,
should be in third by next week.
Bye Incredibles!

4.) Year One - $20 million (Accuracy of prediction - 85%)

Enjoy this week boys,
word of mouth is on the way.
And that word is "crap."

5.) The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 (Accuracy of prediction - 89%)

Soon we will all say
What was that one movie called?
It will fade away.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 91%

No Wildcard needed.
One of my best weeks without.
The little things help!

Happy Monday gang!