Quick clips for Tuesday June 23
Christina Aguilera and Cher to star in a movie somehow not called Before and After
The reanimated, never-attractive corpse of Cher will join the plastic-molded, once-attractive Christina Aguilera in Burlesque, a movie that sounds more evil than Satan's to-do list, according to Variety. Wizards, magicians, and science will come together once more to manipulate the former flesh of Cher so that she can star as a former dancer who runs a club that small-town-girl-with-big-town-plastic-boobies Aguilera stumbles into and dances in. Although to this point only a handful of truly dedicated gay computer-savvy individuals have been able to hear what a Cher/Aguilera duet would sound like, many of us have heard the squeal of tires that fail to stop in time to save a beloved family pet. This will be Cher's first movie role since 1999, when she was returned to her cemetery plot. Aguilera has spent the last decade squandering her actual singing talent by alternating between dressing like a whore, becoming a mommy, and then dressing like a mommy/whore. The Variety article has a choice quote from Screen Gems president Clint Culpepper, who actually said "The only person who was more excited than I am is Christina." This leads me to a series of three jokes I couldn't decide between, here they are for you in no particular order: (1) This may be the first time someone has unintentionally come out of the closet in a Variety press release. (2) Wake me when they have a ranking of who's least excited about this news. (3) Christina was only excited because for the first three weeks, she thought she was headlining a movie with "a chair." Remember these attempts at humor when Conan, Dave, and Jimmy take their stabs at this later on...I'm guessing I come out on top.
If you're looking to kill yourself, I have a deadline for you
That deadline will be the release date of The Zookeeper, which I wouldn't be wiling to see if the alternative was Burlesque. Variety is reporting that the animals who try to help Kevin James copulate with Rosario Dawson will be voiced by Adam Sandler, Cher, Jon Favreau, Sylvester Stallone and Judd Apatow. I'm sorry, did I not draw enough attention to the fact that the plot is basically Dr. Doolittle meets Hitch, featuring the voices of Adam Sandler and Cher? I know, I always thought that sentence should be accompanied by pictures of children crying tears of blood and grown men throwing themselves in front of trains. Oh, yeah, and the script for "Kevin James tries to bone Rosario Dawson with the aid of effing talking animals" sold IN A BIDDING WAR for $3 million. I would go into the physics behind how James making any physical contact with Dawson may spell the end for every molecule and atom in the universe, but let's focus on the fact that somebody wrote "a giraffe tells Kevin James how to use his dingus" on a napkin and got paid $3 million...and Cher will now voice that giraffe. This is another Happy Madison production, which is growing as synonymous with quality as the companies who make Chinese toys and baby formula. I don't hate Adam Sandler as a person, on account of things like Punch Drunk Love and, from the looks of it, Funny People. But Kevin James may be the worst human on the planet. Seriously, I saw on Entertainment Tonight that he lives on a diet consisting solely of baby koalas and the tears of pretty ladies.
You know what a slow news day means....LIST! LIST! LIST!
Unreality Magazine has published a fairly cool little totally irrelevant list of the most polarizing films of the last decade. For no good reason, I'm gonna take a peek at what they came up with (complete with a few thoughts of my own on each) and see what ones they missed.
Here's what they had:
The reanimated, never-attractive corpse of Cher will join the plastic-molded, once-attractive Christina Aguilera in Burlesque, a movie that sounds more evil than Satan's to-do list, according to Variety. Wizards, magicians, and science will come together once more to manipulate the former flesh of Cher so that she can star as a former dancer who runs a club that small-town-girl-with-big-town-plastic-boobies Aguilera stumbles into and dances in. Although to this point only a handful of truly dedicated gay computer-savvy individuals have been able to hear what a Cher/Aguilera duet would sound like, many of us have heard the squeal of tires that fail to stop in time to save a beloved family pet. This will be Cher's first movie role since 1999, when she was returned to her cemetery plot. Aguilera has spent the last decade squandering her actual singing talent by alternating between dressing like a whore, becoming a mommy, and then dressing like a mommy/whore. The Variety article has a choice quote from Screen Gems president Clint Culpepper, who actually said "The only person who was more excited than I am is Christina." This leads me to a series of three jokes I couldn't decide between, here they are for you in no particular order: (1) This may be the first time someone has unintentionally come out of the closet in a Variety press release. (2) Wake me when they have a ranking of who's least excited about this news. (3) Christina was only excited because for the first three weeks, she thought she was headlining a movie with "a chair." Remember these attempts at humor when Conan, Dave, and Jimmy take their stabs at this later on...I'm guessing I come out on top.
If you're looking to kill yourself, I have a deadline for you
That deadline will be the release date of The Zookeeper, which I wouldn't be wiling to see if the alternative was Burlesque. Variety is reporting that the animals who try to help Kevin James copulate with Rosario Dawson will be voiced by Adam Sandler, Cher, Jon Favreau, Sylvester Stallone and Judd Apatow. I'm sorry, did I not draw enough attention to the fact that the plot is basically Dr. Doolittle meets Hitch, featuring the voices of Adam Sandler and Cher? I know, I always thought that sentence should be accompanied by pictures of children crying tears of blood and grown men throwing themselves in front of trains. Oh, yeah, and the script for "Kevin James tries to bone Rosario Dawson with the aid of effing talking animals" sold IN A BIDDING WAR for $3 million. I would go into the physics behind how James making any physical contact with Dawson may spell the end for every molecule and atom in the universe, but let's focus on the fact that somebody wrote "a giraffe tells Kevin James how to use his dingus" on a napkin and got paid $3 million...and Cher will now voice that giraffe. This is another Happy Madison production, which is growing as synonymous with quality as the companies who make Chinese toys and baby formula. I don't hate Adam Sandler as a person, on account of things like Punch Drunk Love and, from the looks of it, Funny People. But Kevin James may be the worst human on the planet. Seriously, I saw on Entertainment Tonight that he lives on a diet consisting solely of baby koalas and the tears of pretty ladies.
You know what a slow news day means....LIST! LIST! LIST!
Unreality Magazine has published a fairly cool little totally irrelevant list of the most polarizing films of the last decade. For no good reason, I'm gonna take a peek at what they came up with (complete with a few thoughts of my own on each) and see what ones they missed.
Here's what they had:
- The Fountain - To me, one of the most brilliant films of the decade. To a lot of other people "hippie, sci-fi garbage." Those people mostly still need their food to be chewed for them, however.
- Vanilla Sky - Loved it. It wasn't revolutionary or game-changing, but very, very solid. Perhaps Cameron Diaz's best performance, and capitalizing on Tom Cruise's own personality before that went all apeshit. Lots of people did hate it for the ending and general weirdness, but those same people loved Hitch.
- Watchmen - This one didn't age well in my mind. I loved the first 20 minutes and certain elements (including Rorschach) were phenomenal...but looking back it was uneven. I think I'm coming down more in the middle, which negates it's inclusion on this list for me.
- AI - I'm noticing that I'm liking almost all of these but know tons of people who didn't. Yes, it was basically Pinocchio. So what? It was touching and beautiful. Really underrated in Spielberg's bibliography if you ask me...which you didn't.
- Eyes Wide Shut - Totally agree with this being included. When I first saw it, I was mixed. Upon repeated viewing it became a much richer film that still haunts me thematically. For many other people, it was just people in weird masks doin' it, and the only thing they remember was nekkid Nicole Kidman before she looked like a wax figure of Nicole Kidman.
- The Village - Absolute drivel. The first sign that the emporer M Night Shyamalan had a distinct "no clothes" problem. Wickedly stupid...and yet I know many people (including my wife) who found the visuals beautiful and liked the dang thing. And yet I love her anyway...strange.
- The Blair Witch Project - Separate the hype from the movie. The movie was good and terrifying (and easily mockable), the hype was waaaaay over-the-top. Polarizing for reaction, not for the film itself, which brings me to:
- Fahrenheit 9/11 - A Michael Moore film, polarizing? Nooooo. It's not the best "movie" but it was captivating at the time. One of the few guys pissed off at the onset, before it was okay. Medicore filmmaking, excellent moment capturing.
- Moulin Rouge - My favorite movie musical ever. I loved it. How do you not like this movie? I've never met anyone who outright hated it who didn't hate all musicals. I'm not sure about this one.
- Crash - Here you go, a polarizing film because people thought it was profound when it was obvious. Actually, a pretty bad movie. Horribly overacted and full of cliches.
- Punch Drunk Love - This was one that so many people just didn't "get." To me, it was beautiful and prevented me from wanting to do to Adam Sandler what I want to do to Kevin James.
- Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - I've heard people say this was "weird," when it was simply one of the most heartfelt and beautiful films of the last 10 years.
- Lost in Translation - The movie that launched my Scarjo obsession. Perhaps the finest work by a female director I've seen. Lots of people tell me "it wasn't funny." Again, I loathe those people.
- Magnolia - The second Paul Thomas Anderson movie on this list of mine, for good reason. Frogs, man. Yep, it's weird...yep, it's phenomenal. Tom Cruise's best performance ever, hands down (I just realized he has 3 works between these two lists...hmmmm).
- Twilight - I suppose it's only polarizing to the tweens who love it, but never has a movie made so much money and was so reviled by so many...well, maybe one more was more polarizing (see below)
- Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace - This should have been on the main list. The general consensus now may be "crap," but you had near fist-fights breaking out between friends looking to defend it and condemn it. Hands down the most polarizing of the last decade.
- The Reader - Oscar nominated? For what? K-Win's no-no parts? Seriously, this was terrible and somehow critically acclaimed. Eff that.
- Hostel/Saw - Either of these would work, depending on which one you think started the whole "torture porn" movement. Abominations in my eyes, dammit.
posted by Ryan at
7:48 AM
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