Friday, July 31, 2009

Maybe these robots will be testicle free?

When I first read the headline from Variety, "Bruckheimer gears up for 'War'", I was really proud. I mean, Jerry Bruckheimer has a lot of money and is really old and yet he still feels so passionately about the freedom of this country (which has afforded him the right to make largely socially irresponsible films and profit greatly from them) that he is willing to serve in our armed forces. Then I realized that the author of the press release had just cleverly disguised the fact that the new movie that Bruckheimer is producing is based on the graphic novel "World War Robot," which is about the struggle of oppressed children in a third-world country who find the strength within themselves to throw off the shackles of their tormentors and run to freedom. I'm kidding, it's about robots and humans fighting one another (sometimes even on the Moon and on Mars). Now, I know what you're thinking: Ryan, didn't we already endure a savage wet willy in the form of the robot opus Transformers 2: Racism Is Almost As Funny As Robots With Balls. Yes, yes we did. But Bruckheimer believes he can do better than that, as racist robots with balls have not yet appeared on Mars. The movie has not yet had a writer assigned to it, but I'm positive that there is a 2nd grader being tasked for the job as we speak. On a personal note, having battled through a terrible ordeal against the growing robot army this week (in the form of a blog server that was a total son of a bitch), I find the subject nothing to glorify or laugh at. When the robots come for us, and trust me they will come for us, we will not be able to turn to Michael Bay or Jerry Bruckheimer to save us all, as they will be the first casualties of war.

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