Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Machete cast represents an accurate summary of my nightmares

If you were to get drunk on sake, huff a few canisters of Krylon, and fall asleep reading Perez Hilton while watching Spy Kids, you'd have a shot at coming up with the current cast of Machete, which everyone on the Internet says Variety confirmed but I can't find the confirmation anywhere (even though it's supposedly shooting). Why do I assume that there was some sort of hallucinatory bender involved with this film's conception? Well, visuals are the only way to convey what is happening.

Here's the (reportedly verified) cast in all their glory (horror):

http://www.mediacircus.net/rb4.jpg

and


http://www.insidesocal.com/hollywoodjoe/.michelle.jpg
and

http://www.imnotobsessed.com/files/imagecache/main_pic/files/images/81101X4_ALBA_J_B_B_GR_01.jpg

and

http://www.paunchstevenson.com/photos/seagal-guitar-300x380.jpg

and

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_R-sfcT5C6z0/SixP7olDMVI/AAAAAAAAHC4/iJuPWFiGsKU/s320/lindsay-lohan-haggard-booze-cigarette.jpg

and

http://www.richardlimtailoring.com/bandaid/content/photos/1/5/don_johnson_and_cheech_marin.jpg

It is as if Satan vomited and director Robert Rodriguez and Danny Trejo (not pictured because I kind of like him) finger painted with the barf. I can hardly believe that this is real, but many, many people (including Lindsey Lohan on her own Twitter) confirmed that this is very, very real. It's not often that I give this warning but, boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen, this is a class 9 emergency clusterf**k. You are going to want to grab your loved ones and head for the hills as fast as you possibly can. Machete is real, and it's coming for you.

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