Movie Review: 2012

It was not a banner week for movie critics here at the ole Reader. Whilst I was being hoisted by my own petard through Pirate Radio, Ben was bending over for 2012...which I'm totally going to see anyway. I know it's maniacally stupid, but last night I paused AGAIN during The Day After Tomorrow on FX (this time to see how the fire that my wife and I had going in our fireplace stacked up against the fire that kept a room full of people alive in a giant library when temperatures dropped to negative blurgillion degrees). So, I'm fully prepared for the junk kick that will come, but 2012 and I have a date with misery. Here's Ben's take.

Oh Maya God!
2012 details the end of the Mayan calendar...and the world
Ben Coffman

Roland Emmerich (10,000 BC; The Day After Tomorrow), the director of 2012, is to natural disasters what Michael Bay is to explosions or Megan Fox—fond of them to the point of fetishism. While some directors cast young starlets because they find them attractive, the adored actor in 2012 is Emmerich’s earthquake cracks, which are both sneaky like Gremlins and destructive like Godzilla.

Before stuff starts disintegrating, however, 2012 audaciously takes half an hour to introduce us to its characters. First, we meet Adrian Helmsley (Chiwetel Ejiofor), a geologist who has discovered that solar flares (or solar climaxes as one character, without giggling, calls them) have caused the Earth’s core to melt like a suppository, giving the Earth a bad case of fiery diarrhea.

Next we meet Jackson Curtis (John Cusack), a failed writer and father so irresponsible that he overslept instead of picking up his kids for summer vacation. After driving to Yellowstone, Curtis and company meet Charlie Frost (Woody Harrelson), a wild-eyed conspiracy theorist who distrusts the government as much as he loves pickles (this detail is an example of what passes for characterization in 2012). Harrelson, with all of his freaky overacting, seems to be the only one who realizes that his director cares more about CGI cracks than actors. Likewise, his character is the only one who realizes (other than the aforementioned Helmsley) that something bad is happening with the Earth.

After Curtis and his kids return to Los Angeles, the world falls apart, resulting in a “let’s escape the earthquake” chase scene in a limousine. As they wend their way through the crumbling streets of Los Angeles, which is being shuffled like a deck of cards, their limo is showered with raw sewage, providing one of the movie’s grossest images—and strongest metaphors.

The latter half of the movie, a fight for survival against an increasingly awful world, is like the latter half of a demolition derby: everything is damaged, smoking and slow. A few scenes at the end of the movie feature crying and strings, but ultimately, and I mean this in the nicest possible way—nobody cares. Watching millions of people die in fiery natural disasters is a bit numbing.

2012 does some things right: it is full of sweeping, grandiose overhead shots and great disaster CGI. It is The Poseidon Adventure on a worldwide scale, with better effects. It is a summer blockbuster in November, the 96-ounce truck-stop steak of movies. However, it’s over two and a half hours and requires a rare type of visual gluttony.

Ultimately, 2012 is meant to be a romp. It is, without exception, wholly devoid of pathos, or even good characters. With the amount of attention, time and money ($200 million) thrown at a film like this, our society probably could've cured some moderately malignant disease like the swine flu. Or bought winter coats for homeless people. Or paid down the national deficit for future generations. Instead we have the opportunity to face our end-of-days fears together. And watch every building in the entire world collapse.

Grade: D+