Ryan's Junk Drawer

Hello, children (and by children I don't mean actual children, I mean friends who I lovingly call children because it's funny...because I'm pretty sure that if this blog was read to children they would end up insanely poorly adjusted, dressed like a combination of Lady Gaga and an NFL linebacker, and talking incessently about Rachel McAdams...also, this may be a record length for one of my weird asides). Again, the Junk Drawer is my weekly place for the movie rumors and blurbs that aren't big enough to warrant a whole post, and it is symbolized by this picture above from Highlights Magazine that I think looks like what the inside of John Wayne Gacy's kitchen drawer looked like. In fact, let's take our weekly moment to speculate about what's in the creepy dude's drawer in the image above this week: Oooh, I think the folded up piece of paper in the upper left hand corner is a note from his psychiatrist that was intended to be sent to the authorities. It reads, "Can't be cured, must be killed." Now it's just a fun memory for his special drawer. Now, let's move on to our weekly stories that are big enough to be interesting but small enough to fit in here.

1.) Oscars get immediately to annual documentary disaster - As annual a tradition as the Chicago Cubs getting together to watch someone else win the World Series, the Academy behind the Oscars makes it a point to shit all over a bunch of deserving documentaries once every year. Oh, it's not on purpose or anything, it's just that in order to actually pick the best documentaries, they'd have to watch, like, a ton of documentaries and how can anyone be expected to watch those durn things when there's a new Twilight movie a'comin'? The most notable omissions on this year's Oscar short list of the keen final fifteen include two rock docs (It Might Get Loud and Anvil! The Story of Anvil) and a certain fat guy's project (Capitalism: A Love Story). Better luck next time superior filmmakers! Here's who made the cut:

• The Beaches of Agnes
• Burma VJ
• The Cove
• Every Little Step
• Facing Ali
• Food, Inc.
• Garbage Dreams
• Living in Emergency: Stories of Doctors Without Borders
• The Most Dangerous Man in America: Daniel Ellsberg and The Pentagon Papers
• Mugabe and the White African
• Sergio
• Soundtrack for a Revolution
• Under Our Skin
• Valentino The Last Emperor
• Which Way Home

2.) Oh noes, that's 46 ronin too many! - According to slashfilm.com, commercial director Carl Rinsch (that means he directs commercials, not that he is particularly interested in profit) is in final talks to helm the Keanu Reeves epic period samurai film 47 Ronin. That's right, the KEANU REEVES SAMURAI movie. Look, I know he's half Asian, but he's also ALL bad when it comes to acting. Unless he's planning on playing the Slappy, the confused 47th ronin who says "whoa," I'm guessing this is a terrible idea, no matter who is at the helm. I mean, think about this: This is a remake of a Japanese film about a legend regarding 47 masterless samurai...and it will star this guy (WARNING: This is hilarious but does feature coffee-barf...avert your eyes if you wish)

Last chance

Boo-yah! Ladies and gentlemen, your master of Asian honor and tradition.

2.) Khan to have better eyelashes? - ComingSoon has an interesting rumor regarding the new Star Trek sequel. We all lust for Khan, right? I mean, I know that lots of people believe in the sacred nature of Star Trek II, but those people also get married while dressed as Starfleet Academy members. So it makes sense that the most legendary Trek bad guy would be in the sequel...and if he is, he may be Richard Alpert from "Lost." Okay, technically the guy's name is Nestor Carbonell but to a legion of Losties he is better known as Richard, the creepy ageless guy with great eyelashes. You think I'm kidding but the dude has to CONSTANTLY answer questions about whether or not he wears mascara. The guy looks the part (not here as seen in his "Tick" TV series costume...he played Die Flatermouse)

The question is, why do you want to do a literal reinterpretation of Khan? Personally, I think they'd be best served either really thinking outside of the box (I saw one site suggest playing Khan as a woman) or going entirely elsewhere. The reason Star Trek was such a good reboot was that it wasn't just a shot-for-shot remake. It wasn't events we all knew, it was something entirely different using characters we were familiar with. Tread lightly, JJ Abrams and company. And best of luck, Nestor. You'd be a fine, sassy-eyed Khan.

4.) Nine's fine - The trailer for Nine is more of the same to me. I will see this movie because (A) I am bizarrely attracted to Ms. Cotillard and not-so-bizarrely attracted to Ms. Cruz, (B) it's an intriguing concept at least from the character involved, and (C) Daniel. Day. Lewis. Dude gets my money every time, period. I will watch him in an hour-long PSA to prevent sexting if he films one. Here's the second trailer, and it's not quite as cool as the first one, but still has lots of ladies and Daniel Day "Motherhumping" Lewis, so it wins.

5.) Like a Bridges to a long-sought Oscar - People are calling Crazy Heart 2009's The Wrestler, but unless Jeff Bridges had some disfiguring plastic surgery, went on a series of public benders, and spouted off a bunch of gay slurs, I don't think he really works redemption wise like Mickey Rourke. Hell, Bridges has been working non-stop, he's not really a guy in need of a career resurrection. That said, the film looks classy if a bit tear-jerkery, and my money is on Bridges getting himself a nomination if not a win. I can't think of a male performance that's really dominating on everyone's horizon right now, so he has as good a chance as anyone. Nice work, Lebowski.