I return...with gifts of good tiding

Once more I apologize profusely and profoundly for leaving y'all in the lurch yesterday (and by lurch, I mean without any new blogs to read not the creepy zombie doorman from "The Munsters"...betcha didn't think you'd read a "Munsters" reference today, didja). This is a weird season full of strange and wonderful happenings, like how I happened to urinate away all of my money yesterday to the point of being destitute and how I happened to do so whilst shopping amidst masses of angry, angry sumbitches (did you know you can say "Happy Holidays" in a way that also means "I hope your genitals get mutilated," because you can). As my grand lo siento, I am providing for you a crazy ambitious undertaking that is all but guaranteed to get me kicked in the cyber junk and mocked by those who I respect. Yeah, I picked the top 10 movies of the last decade. I know, crazy shit, right? This is going to appear in this week's edition of The Reader, but you're my best friends and I love you so much that I thought I would give you this gift early...so that way I'm ready to openly receive all of the lovely material goods I am 99% sure are on their way to my doorstep.

Honestly and truly...I WANT discussion on this. This is just my humble little opinion...and I'm a guy who watches part of The Day After Tomorrow whenever it's on TV. So, really, hit me up with your own lists. The only thing I demand is that we not treat this like the GOP treats health care reform. You can't just blast my choices and propose none of your own. So, you can't say "I can't believe you put XXX on the list! What are you some kind of glue-huffing, mercury-poisoned Chicago sports fan?!" You CAN say "I would have put XXX on the list instead of XXX, you glue-huffing, mercury-poisoned Chicago sports fan." Get it? Okay, enough preamble (can't help it, I really tried on this), here's the list. Gulp.

Nicest of the “Naughties”
The top ten films of the decade

Slap Manny Pacquiao. Defend the public option at a Sarah Palin rally. Read one of the “Twilight” books to the end. Any of these nigh-impossible tasks is easier than naming the top ten films of the last decade. For those who take such a task seriously (meaning, not Vh1, who will likely soon spew out “the top ten most radical sexually transmitted diseases”), crafting a countdown like this is agony.

The following is the result of playing an at-home version of Sophie’s Choice with movies for weeks. It is as imperfect and awkward as its author, but that’s the point, really. With no “right” criteria with which to arrive at the “correct” ten films, what remains is personal opinion. This is mine.

Honorable Mentions

The following films have the distinction of making it nearest to the bitter end before being eaten so that others may live. This seems as good a place as any to mention that I would love to hear the myriad of reasons I’m wrong for excluding these and other movies from the final ten. Shoot your superior list to film@thereader.com, and I promise to feel shame.

Here are the flicks that almost achieved greatness (in no particular order): District 9, Unbreakable,28 Days Later, Requiem for a Dream, Donnie Darko, Farenheit 9/11, There Will Be Blood, Hedwig and the Angry Inch, Pan’s Labyrinth, Primer, The Royal Tennenbaums, Brokeback Mountain, Let the Right One In, Once, W and Up.

The 10 Best Films from 2000-2009

10 – The Fountain (2006)

Objectivity is a lie we tell ourselves to make our opinions feel credible; The Fountain is on this list because I saw it when I thought my wife was dying—spoiler alert: she’s okay now. Director Darren Aronofsky’s meditation on loss and grief didn’t comfort me with recycled sympathy. Instead, it made a wholly unique suggestion: that death itself is an act of creation. Beyond the luminescence of the minimal special effects, the complexity of a triptych story and an ethereal performance from Rachel Weisz, I will always have seared in my brain the sight of Hugh Jackman weeping while scarring the spot where his wedding ring was.

9 – United 93 (2006)

Nearly a decade later, and only one movie has found the appropriate voice with which to speak about 9/11. It took a Brit, Paul Greengrass, to write and direct the definitive film about the single day that reshaped the American psyche. Melding what is ostensibly a reenactment with a message of love, Greengrass balanced the poetry of remembrance with an obligation for accuracy. Every frame exposed and rendered inert the silliness of bumper stickers and country songs, proving that memory is substantial enough by itself and needs no frills or doctoring.

8 – Shaun of the Dead (2004)

Before genre-bending was the cinematic trick du jour, writer/star Simon Pegg and writer/director Edgar Wright put a zombie flick and a comedy in a cage and made them do it until they made a baby. The offspring was somehow inexplicably flawless. Unquestionably the film on this list I’ve seen most often, its inclusion here may seem ridiculous…until you consider how effortlessly the film sways from pathos to punchline, from commentary to cannibalism. Originality may be the modern resource in shortest supply, and this used up more than its fair share.

7 – Spider-man 2 (2004)

Unless the cure for a major disease is found within the next week or so, the greatest discovery of the “naughties” is that superhero movies can be good. Although The Dark Knight toppled records and critics, it can’t match the sheer comic book authenticity of director Sam Raimi’s second outing with the web-head. From the train-top battle with Doctor Octopus to the ill-timed emotional reveal of Spidey’s identity to Mary Jane, none before (or after) have better captured the joy of this genre and the childlike exuberance that accompanies it.

6 – Kill Bill Volumes 1 and 2 (2003-2004)

It’s not cheating to weld these into one entry, given that’s how writer/director/foot-fetishist/weirdo Quentin Tarantino intended them to be seen. It may, however, be cheating that Tarantino stole so much of this chop-socky epic from outside sources…but that’s long been his gig, and all is forgiven when the thievery is this well-executed. Providing the single best action heroine ever recorded, this cacophony of violence and sound contains embedded within it a cyclic philosophy regarding revenge that more than merits its inclusion.

5 – Almost Famous (2000)

I feel bad for those didn’t fall in love with Penny Lane (Kate Hudson) in this film…because they are destined to die alone. Writer/director Cameron Crowe’s love letter to rock and roll and coming of age is so heartfelt that soundstages must have been constructed inside his aorta. When the fractured and broken band members bleat out an improvisational version of Elton John’s “Tiny Dancer,” any flaw in the narrative is instantly buffed out and forgiven. At its best, moviemaking is transference of emotion; watching Almost Famous is like listening to someone else’s heartbeat.

4 – The Lord of the Rings Trilogy (2001-2003)

Inarguably the finest fantasy franchise of all time, the fact that these three films hold one spot is not only a space saver on this list but also a testimony to their cohesive brilliance. Director Peter Jackson came from near-relative obscurity to craft the new gold standard for adaptations of all kinds. Loyalty to the subject matter and fan base was rewarded with crates of Oscars and a box office in excess of billions. Like the answer to an SAT problem, Star Wars is to a slightly previous generation what LOTR is to this generation.

3 – Lost in Translation (2003)

If writer/director Sofia Coppola only introduced the world to a grown-up Scarlett Johansson, she would have done as much for the advancement of humanity as most world leaders. That the film also contains within it a relationship of such complicated truth, such precise but offbeat insight, is enough to consider it for the top spot here. Eventually, the wheel of time grinds every movie into fragmented scenes replayed in our minds. The moment that Bill Murray whispers an unheard statement into the ear of Johnasson may be my single favorite minute in film history.

2 – Memento (2000)

In the hands of a lesser creator than writer/director Christopher Nolan, Memento’s premise would have been more gimmick than gold. The sophistication of the storytelling, the ambiguity of the characters’ intentions and the obscurity of the events blend into a potent cocktail that demonstrates that we have not yet hit the bottom of the ocean of creativity. With the spirit of Hitchcock breathing life into its noir heart, this is as fine a film as can be found in this or any decade.

1 - Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)

If the other films on this list pack a punch, this one performs cardiac surgery without anesthesia. Writer/director Michel Gondry and writer Charlie Kaufman combine to consider the cost of every emotion ever experienced. Weaving sci-fi, romance and touches of comedy into an oversized sweater that fits everyone, this unique vision does its best to synthesize the human experience into two hours. It makes use of every facet of filmmaking…and it remains the best movie I’ve seen in the last 10 years.

That’s my list, now what about yours?