Ryan's Junk Drawer

No need to freak out, it's not Thursday. You didn't lose a day to binge drinking paint thinner again. I just figured that since today is The Day Before The Night Before Christmas I would give you a special gift of having my junk (as in the movie news that isn't big enough to warrant a blog post of its own) a whole day early. I know that you sit there, pining for my junk, and it wouldn't be Christmas-like of me to deny you opening my package any longer. As is our weekly tradition, we begin this post by examining the creepy picture above from the "Highlights" magazine for children and inventing/imagining what one of the items in said creepy picture may be. Today's item is the friendship bracelet in the upper left hand corner. When little Suzie didn't finish all her math homework, her dad knew the only way to get back at her. No, not "take her friendship bracelet," that's too easy, she could just make another bracelet. It's much more difficult to make an entirely new friend. See, that's not SUZIE'S friendship bracelet...

Without further ado, here's my junk for this week:

1.) Merry Cronenberg - David Cronenberg is a weird mothertrucker. He makes ambitious and often really great movies that are totally batshit crazy. His latest, which was announced on Facebook, presumably alongside a status update like "Hate everything, contracted an STD, no longer speaking to anyone in my life" (which are the only kinds of status updates that I see on Facebook these days), is going to be The Talking Cure. Based on a novel, the film is about a "beautiful young woman," which is great, because if I see one more Hollywood movie about an ugly chick again. The woman is "driven mad by her past" and a doctor and his mentor attempt to cure the woman. The woman will be this woman:

The man and doctor will be played by Christoph Waltz (from Inglorious Basterds) and Michael Fassbender (a guy who bends fasses). I'm not a big Knightly fan, but I am willing to see this for Cronencrazy and Waltz.

2.) This. Must. Stop. - On the one hand, I'm happy that the rumors I'm repeating about Taylor "I almost lost the role in Twilight 2 until I dedicated myself to becoming ab-riffic" Lautner have nothing to do with movies I'd want to see anyway. On the other, Taylor Lautner should be legally obliged by the contract he made with Lucifer to get said abs to slink back into darkness and obscurity the moment the last Twilight film's reign of terror ends. Sadly, that's not happening, as Lautner is apparently doing a remake of Vision Quest, the only movie to prominently feature a wrestler that isn't a WWE-style wrestler. In the original, Matthew Modine seduced a marginally older woman while training (because it helps you with your sweaty man touching to do some sweaty woman touching). The theory is that this new version will see Lautner with a much older woman (much older than him, so like Kiera Knightly age, not Betty White age). This would be done to give all of the creepy cat ladies who love thinking about the disturbingly young Lautner in compromising positions after they finish watching "Law and Order: SVU." Seriously, this is potentially the most disgusting attempt to take advantage of a built-in audience since Spider-man 3.

3.) Does he take it stirred? - This is a little nugget...I mean LITTLE (which I just emphasized by putting in big letters). According to to Bond fansite MI6, screenwriter Peter Morgan said that the next Bond film has a “shocking story.” On the one hand, OF COURSE the dude who is writing the damn movie is going to say the story is "shocking." He wants people to be talking about his movie. On the other hand, Morgan is the guy who wrote Frost/Nixon and is a damn fine screenwriter. Stopping short of killing 007, there are a few crazy different things a writer of his caliber could do with where this story is going. I'm going to go out on a limb and say the shocking story is that M is a bad guy. It's just a wild guess, but I'm a wild guy. This is really just a post for me to say that I'm REALLY looking forward to the next Bond movie. I know people weren't sold on Quantum of Solace (even though I liked it), but this could be the first truly great Bond trilogy if they nail it like Bond nails anything in a skirt. Dude, I have the twist: Bond gets an STD.

4.) The Green Lantern uses eHarmony - Latino Review, who I love, exclusively reveals the short list for who may play the girlfriend of the Green Lantern. So that means this guy (shown here in the male equivalent of Leia's slave gear):

Will date one of the following on screen:

Eva Green

Keri Russell

Diane Kruger

Blake Lively

Jennifer Garner

If you know me at all, you know where my vote lies...with the object of Ben Affleck's affection. Ms. Garner deserves tons of fame and success. I don't want Blake Lively in anything, Eva and Diane are blah, and my second choice is Keri Russell. It will probably be Blake or Diane, but Lord if they give it to Garner, I will be a happy, happy nerd.

5.) Trailer madness...MADNESS I SAY! - I don't even know what to say about this. We have a SLEW of trailers. Some good, some bad, some ugly. Let's start with ugly.

The Karate Kid remake - You can dress it up however you'd like, but this is still Will Smith's kid and Jacky Chan remaking The Karate Kid. Ugh.

Knight and Day - Oh, Cameron Diaz, is there nothing you can't make look terrible? She only continues to work in Hollywood because casting agents are lazy. Blerg.



Frozen - This indie horror gem has been tearing up the festival circuit and buzzing on the internet. Is this the next Paranormal Activity?



Adele Blanc-Sec - Don't be frightened, yes that's French. I know, it's scary. But Luc Besson gave us The Professional and Le Femme Nikita, so if he wants to do what some have described as part-Indiana Jones and part-Hellboy.



Robin Hood - I love Robin Hood. Every version. Even the one with Costner. If I love that, I'm going to love this.




Okay guys, I won't lie and say there's a good chance I'm going to get any more posts up this week. Maybe, but I wouldn't count on it. So let me take this moment to say to all of you, I love y'all. I hope you have the best holiday season you've ever had. It would be the highest honor for me if, while you get ripped on rum-laced egg nogg, you toss out some lame or interesting tidbit you heard on my blog. Every time you do, an Angel gets its wings. And I don't mean a dead person, I have an arrangement that every time someone mentions my blog, a dude staples a pair of wings to a girl named Angel. So, think about it.