Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 17)

I'd like to take this time to thank the newest members of the elite and exclusive "People Who Listened and Bought/Gave Me Things You Should Buy Me" club: Andrew and Jess, my dear Chicago friends I just visited, gave me these:
Yeah, I know. Rad. Thinkgeek, who still has yet to acknowledge my relentless promotion of them, is responsible for this epic win in coat hanging. Again, I can't wait until someone I don't know well walks into my house so I can point to it and yell "OH MY GOD THEY FOUND ME" and then run out of the house and down the street as fast as I can. It will be glorious. So thanks to Andrew and Jess, who really are the most incredible friends. I had a wonderful time and have the ninja coathooks to prove it.

Thankfully, my needs are never satisfied. Ever. So here are this week's items I need.

1.) I could have done all of this week's stuff from one site - I really could have. 80stees.com is potentially going to become the new Thinkgeek for me. Only maybe 80stees.com will return my love (pssst, I'm really just trying to get them both to fight over me...which isn't going so well). Anyway, there were about 5 items in their Spider-man section I wanted, including a Black Symbiote costume plush doll, a Spider-man backpack, and a slew of cool T-shirts (including one of Electro shocking Spidey with the tag "don't Taze me, bro"). But I settled on this:
WOW. This is just...WOW. It comes with the sexy eye mask (not the boots, alas) and the guarantee to make me drool. It's like 30 bucks and you will kill a man with it (just like Avatar). How could this not seem like a great idea. Also, for those assuming I will wear it myself...

2.) I don't know about you, but I'm surviving the apocalypse - It's going to be so cool after the apocalypse washes the planet of the filthy masses. It's just going to be me and the people I love, who are and have been preparing for the coming apocalypse by watching movies on the subject and reading things like the "Zombie Survival Guide." We're soooo safe. This will also help.

It's a survival kit in a sardine can. It won't necessarily keep me alive for months, but it's enough to get me started if I am stranded away from my cave of supplies. Just pretend you didn't read that. Plus, it comes with a tootsie roll. After days of feasting on the flesh of fellow humans to survive, nothing refreshes like a tootsie roll. Nothing.

3.) Finally, sexism is over - After years of being denied a masculine-gendered version, we men now have our own Unicorn.
This T-shirt from Threadless proves that having a horn on your horses head doesn't automatically mean he's a sissy. This is a murdercorn. Enjoy it...or die.

UPDATE - An astute reader on Twitter pointed out that I almost always forget to include HOW to get this material to me. That's my bad. If you contact me at film@thereader.com, I will send you my address. If you want to just send it to The Reader (2314 M St./PO Box 7360/Omaha, NE 68107), be sure to put FOR RYAN SYREK AND RYAN SYREK ONLY HANDS OFF THIEVES on it, just to ensure that it finds me correctly. It's probably unnecessary because they're wonderful people there, but if I walk in and find a half-eaten box of perky jerky or someone wearing my mudercorn shirt...there will be blood.