Tuesday, July 27, 2010

This does not help Battleship's cause

Trying to take a movie based on the board game Battleship seriously was always going to be a challenge, what with the whole terrible idea thing. While I longed for a realistic version consisting of two bored kids saying numbers and letters back and forth to one another while thirsting for the sweet release of puberty, death, or both, the writers went with an alien attack. Sure. Why not? Are there going to be Battleship purists who are furious that they're changing the backstory of submarine and tugboat? Are there troves of fan fiction dedicated to the lightly homoerotic relationship between battleship and destroyer? Do I know too much about the ships in this game? I thought they were done trying to insert awesome helium into this crap balloon, but not so fast my friends. They busted out their super-ultra-secret weapon today.
That's right! You loved her singing the hook on songs that rule, you enjoyed her solo work far less, and you may or may not know who she is given that I've chosen an incredibly normal-looking photo: It's Rihanna! I suppose if you're going to make your big-screen debut, you don't want to have a lot of pressure. Nobody is really going to expect all that much out of acting in Battleship, so that's a really good start. I don't think I'll find myself saying, "I didn't really believe she was in the midst of an alien invasion in this boardgame adaptation." I think I'll find myself saying "why didn't I assign someone else to review this" or "at least it's not Miley Cyrus."

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