Thursday, August 19, 2010

Ryan's Junk Drawer

"Junk Drawer"

Hola blog-migos. Congratulations on having lived to see my junk again. Here's hoping it's not all you were holding on for, and now you feel you can pass to the other side. That would be incredibly sad. I'm not feeling 100% at the moment, so let's see if I can't get moving a little faster than usual. Someone start the clock.

I say junk but I mean movie tidbits too small for whole blog posts, but tidbits isn't a well-known euphemism for genitalia (unless you're a Smurf). We start by looking at the creepy image above that's supposedly a junk drawer, from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN, but appears to have been drawn by an artistic ax murderer. We pick an item from above and write a goofy story about it. And by we, I mean me, I use the royal we for no reason sometimes. Today's item is the green and red blob on the right side. Barksy was a mostly a good dog but was sometimes a pain in the ass. Her favorite chew toy, a Christmas elf, was the perfect tool through which to teach the little shit a valuable lesson. One day when Barksy went for the bark/bite/pee trifecta, her master told her an elaborate story about where elves go when they die, while all Barksy heard was "wawawawawawawa." Sadly, the meaning was lost, as the pup lamented her lack of thumbs the only way she knew how: she barked, bit, and peed twice as much. Let this be a lesson to you, you can't fix a creature that only cares for its elf.

Okay, that's enough, let's get to it!

1.) Aw hell, boy - Guillermo del Toro set up Hellboy 3 in the sadly, madly underrated Hellboy 2 (yes, I still love it, it's better than Avatar). Seriously, look at just the poster and tell me the film wasn't beautiful.

Yeah, see how wrong you are in your memory of that film? I thought so. Unfortunately, getting the third film is proving a bit difficult. He told MTV, "I would love to do it. But the heartbreak for me is that I know how it ends and I don't know if I want to see that ending. But I would love to do it.

As the creator of Hellboy, Mike Mignola, elaborates: "The problem is, what del Toro's talked about to me is that 'Hellboy III' would be the end of Hellboy. And here's where we have the big conflict. My version of Hellboy in the comics is a finite story, but it's going to take me 15 years to get to the ending. If he makes 'Hellboy III' and it's the death of Hellboy, I'm left doing the comic going, 'But I'm not done yet. My Hellboy is not going to have kids. My Hellboy is going to die, but I want to be the one who does that. And if del Toro does my ending, there won't be a lot of surprise when I get to the end of the comic."

Personally, I don't think it would be all that crazy to end the cinematic series without ending the comic series, as anyone who is interested in either of them is (A) smart enough to know the difference and (B) going to read/see both anyway. What I'm saying is, GIVE ME HELLBOY 3 with total armageddon and the death of Hellboy before Ron Perlman is so old more makeup will be spent keeping his moobs up than his horns on.

2.) This is kind of how the game felt to me - Y'all know how I feel about JJ Abrams, so it's only fitting I'm about to talk about spending 7 minutes in a closet kissing. I don't remember playing that particular game very often, but I was with a particularly chaste group of young people at the time. We liked comics for God's sake, 7 minutes in heaven meant being locked in a vault with some great back issues. JJ Abrams has a different take, as he and buddy Jack Bender have a new thriller based on a simple premise: Two kids go into a closet to neck and when they come out everybody is dead. I know that it's like a slasher-movie premise, and they mean everyone at the party is dead, but I wish the world was dead and it was more like a "Twilight Zone" episode. How funny would that be? At any rate, it sounds interesting, don't it?

3.) More on that Battleship business - Maybe I wasn't clear yesterday but this lady is going to be an actress now.
That's Brooklyn Decker, and her talents are pretty much all on display right there. She's joining Rhianna and Taylor Kitsch from the fantastic "Friday Night Lights" in Battleship, a movie that's going to fail. It's not just plummeting because the best actor announced so far plays a high-school football player on a direct-to-cable show, but because it's (A) based on a board game, (B) going to take place in the water, which notoriously means problems shooting, and (C) now involves aliens. With every bit of casting and news about the movie, I become more convinced that the film is a giant joke, like it's actually a fake movie they're making in "Entourage" or something. If you want to look at it positively, that lady above is going to be shown on as huge screen. I guess it's not all bad.

4.) Eve ruins everything again - Comicbookmovie.com is on the case of "ruining my mood" today. Why? Well because their sources told them that the reason the lovely lass below, miss Alice Eve, left the cast of X-Men First Class wasn't because they booted her or because January Jones is a better corset-stuffer.
NOPE! It's because she read the script and rabbited. That's not a good sign. Marvel still likes her and wants her for something in The Avengers (my guess is the enchantress) but the fact that she bolted from a sure-fire money maker when reading the script both raises my opinion of her and lowers my expectations for the movie. This is not sounding particularly good for mutantville. They will probably address this problem by casting another voluptuous hottie.

5.) Trailers, Parked - Did I mention that the trailer for Black Swan came out yesterday? Because it did. That's the movie with Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis making out. I may just run this every day until the movie comes out, who's to say? Either way, you should watch it in all it's brilliance right now. And then watch it again. And again.



I'm Still Here
is the documentary/mocumentary/nobody-knows-what about Joaquin Phoenix's attempted rap career. I've now seen the trailer...and still have no idea what's going on, other than that appears to be Nick Nolte giving Phoenix advice of some kind. That's not even a good idea in a fictional way.


Sorry if I wasn't on my game today, but I'll do better next week. Get to workin' and I'll see you tomorrow for a grand Friday send off.

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