Cutting Room: Ryan's Junk Drawer

With great junk, comes great responsibility - "Better Off Ted"

Here's my Thursday revelation: I don't know how to mentally relax. I just don't. I get the concept. I wish I knew how, but it seems like the minute I'm about to unclench my mental buttcheeks, someone does something that makes me tighten them again. You know who I blame for this? Spider-man. Seriously. You see that quote about responsibility up there? Most people's favorite superheros teach lessons about friendship or justice or fighting evil. My favorite guy taught me (A) never let anybody down if you can physically help it, (B) you can always physically help it, (C) the most heroic thing you can do is help others, and (D) spandex shows EVERYTHING. But hey, you didn't come here to hear me whine about the undo burden of "the guy who gets things done." No, you came here to stare at that guy's junk.

Obviously, by junk, I don't mean what you think I mean, unless you think I mean movie tidbits that aren't big enough to warrant full blog posts. Then I mean exactly what you thought. We begin each week by looking at the creepy-ass image above, which is supposed to be a junk drawer from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN, but is clearly a picture of part of John Wayne Gacy's kitchen. We look at the image above, pick one item from the image, and write a story about it, because doing so is amusing.

Today's item is the small round object in the upper middle of the drawer. As a young girl, Charlene had but one simple dream. While other girls were fantasizing about boys (or girls), babies (or careers), and cars (or donkeys), Charlene only thought about one thing: Building a shrink ray and capturing the moon. It wasn't just that she thought it inappropriate that the man in the moon was able to ogle all of earth, it was that she thought it would make a great conversation starter. "What have you done with your life?" they'd ask, to which Charlene could reply "I shrunk the f**king moon." Determination is everything, and after 15 years of intense study of quantum mechanics, inter-dimensional space-time warping, and watching "Twilight Zone" marathons, Charlene finally shrunk the moon. Turns out, it wasn't that great of an idea, as the changing tides and gravitational effects resulted in widespread destruction. So Charlene quietly crept to her kitchen, stashed the moon away, and never told anyone what she had done.

Okay, that's enough goofin' around, let's get to some movie news!

1.) Dear NBC, this is the event - Of course, by "movie news," I mean "entertainment news that interests me" or "whatever the hell I want." First up is the best news I could think of. These guys are indeed gettin' back together.

"Lost" may be dead, but "Joben Lockus" lives on! NBC has won a bidding war to get "Odd Jobs," which will not be called "Odd Jobs," on their networks. We don't know jack about the show, other than that it MAY involve black ops agents who are living in suburbia. But we DO know that it will star Michael Emerson and Terry O'Quinn, which thus makes it the most exciting show on television without having to be on television. I shit you not, this is already my favorite show. It cannot be bad. Having two actors of this caliber with JJ doing any kind of overseeing is a recipe for goodness that can't be beat. It's so good I can't believe it's real.

2.) Theory: Scarlett Johansson in leather MAY sell tickets - This just in: People want to see more of this:

Wait, what? They want to see more of Scarlett Johansson in tight leather doing flexible poses? That's insane! Why would they want to do that? Kevin Feige, the dark lord of Marvel movies, has previously briefly alluded to the potential of a Black Widow spinoff and now mentions more specifically that they've already begun meetings about it. It won't happen until after The Avengers, which is good, because so far the movie version of the character has done nothing but pose in flexible positions while wearing leather. I'm not saying I wouldn't pay to see 2 hours of that, I'm just saying unless it's going to be a silent film, we may need to develop the character first. Who knows if it will end up happening, but I think I may be interested if it does. Because I like comics. That's why. That's the reason. My interest in comics.

3.) Younger Gilmore loves murder - You have to kind of hate being Alexis Bledel. She has to keep playing these young roles, even though she's...let me check here...42. I'm kidding, of course, but she is DAMN near 30, and now she's going to play another teenager. In fact, she's going to be half of a pair of teenage assassins who, according to the writeup of Violet and Daisy, "are lured into what is supposed to be just another quick and easy job, only to find complications as the man they’re supposed to kill is not what they expected.”

Do you really believe that this innocent, adorable girl, who just shines with beauty is going to be a killer?

NO! I mean, she's so cute you just want to keep her in your pocket. And I'm sure she'll be paired with another sweet, adorable...

Okay, that girl will murder you. She will murder your face right now. My apologies to Saoirse Ronan, who I'm sure is a great actress...a great actress who will eat your eyeballs for pleasure.

4.) DC says they don't want to be successful like Marvel - I get not wanting to duplicate someone else's routine...even though Marvel and DC have been playing copycat for decades. One will do a major intergalactic crossover, the other does the same thing. One kills a hero, the other does the same thing. One figures out a way to make billions on movies, the other relegates themselves to obscurity by effing everything up and insisting they don't want to be successful.

Yeah, I'd glare at me too. Diane Nelson, president of DC Entertainment and money hater, said the following:

"People make an assumption that we're going to mirror Marvel's strategy, for example with Avengers. We do have a very different attitude about how you build a content slate." She also added, "There is not a single thing we've done that has been reactive to Marvel from the creation of DC Entertainment to today."

Good for you! Why possibly investigate a successful business model that applies to your own properties? That's a strong plan. Clearly, this means "don't count on a Justice League movie because we're keeping our characters separate." This will, of course, change in an instant if Avengers makes the kind of jack I think we all know it can. Whatever. You know, a Justice League movie would rule, with Superman and Batman together. But if it doesn't happen, it's only because DC loves being second best. Ha, take that! Marvel Zombie 4 life, yo.

5.) Trailers, parked - My brother-in-law got sworn in as a lawyer this week. He's getting married in 3 weeks. What I'm saying is, I have thought of gifts I could give him, and the best I could do is give him this: A movie starring Minka Kelly. Enjoy!

The Roommate

Gnomeo and Juliet looks stupid. It looks like Toy Story meets Shrek. Actually, that sounds like a nice thing to say, but I meant it mean. Folks, I honestly started laughing when I heard "from the director of Shrek 2 and featuring the music of Elton John." It felt like a spoof of a movie and not an actual movie. But it's an actual movie. Enjoy!