Wednesday, August 12, 2009

My love for Natalie Portman needs no reciprocation

Oh, Natalie, how unfair is life that you and I remain strangers? Or, more accurately, how cruel is it that you have no idea who I am whilst I repeatedly opine for your affection publicly whilst posting photos like the one below and continuing to say whilst?

Normally, Natalie, I am unwavering in my support of you. When people mocked your wooden performances in the Star Wars prequels, I smote them with my officially licensed Queen Amidala headgear and blamed George Lucas. When you made Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium, or as some referred to it "Mr. Poopstick's Magic Poopstick," I hit them with said poopstick and said "she got to work with Dustin Hoffman, and only great actors like Marky Mark get to do that!" Point is, I violently defend nearly every bad decision you make, mainly for reasons evident above (I would love you for you but you won't return my calls). So, imagine my surprise when I found that you are producing Booksmart, a movie with a plot description that sounds a lot like reminding girls who are smart that they are incomplete without a man. Oh, sure, the actual script may be different, but will likely be written by some callous male who sees this as an opportunity to get back at the intelligent girls who never loved him either. Look, Natalie, you can do no wrong in my eyes. You made Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium and you still top my "list." I mean, that's love, baby. But, come on, you are a powerful, beautiful woman with tons of influence and a production company and the soundbite we get is about smart girls who decide they need boyfriends? Wowza. Maybe with a quick rewrite this can be about smart girls who decide they DON'T need boyfriends? Feel free to call me for more ideas, or just call me, or just acknowledge I'm alive. You know, whatever.

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