Cast-a-palooza

It's election day. Obviously, unless you are intentionally hiding it from yourself, you can guess the direction my voting lever pulls. This is a movie blog, and I won't stand up on this soap box and rail on about who you should vote for and why...or even do the whole "I don't care who you vote for, just vote" schpiel because I DO care who you vote for, and if you're going to vote for someone stupid and evil I would, in fact, prefer that you stay home. This is me asking everyone to just do a little thinking, a little objective research, and THEN vote. I truly believe if everyone voted out of reasonable research and not fear, anger, or because they were told to be some media personality, we would be far, far better off. So do that. K?

Now, I mention the election stuff because it set me back a bit. See, I had to vote this morning, which means not starting this blog writing until later, which means I'm running behind. So I had two choices: I could either give you SOME of the casting news explosion today in multiple posts or I could deliver one giant kablooooooey of casting shenanigans all at once. I opted for the kablooey because, hello have you ever met me?

Ladies and gentlemen...start your moderately-interested engines, it's time for CAST-A-PALOOZA!!!! I ask and answer the following questions:

1.) Wolverine may be in X-Men: First Class? - Hugh Jackman took a cab to the set of X-Men: First Class, according to rumors from....someone. There is nothing backing this up, but it's probably true. Why? Because ever since Marvel did that cool Iron Man/Avengers bit at the end, all comic movies (especially Fox copycats) want to do that too. A cameo from Wolverine would fit, Jackman is already preparing for Wolverine 2: Talk to the Claws right now so probably looks like this:
And he's a good guy, a team player, and probably thinks it would be cool. It's a rumor, yes, but I'd like to believe it so I will.

2.) Leonardo DiCaprio is a serial killer? Take that, ladies. The drool-inducer is now going to carve up ladies in Devil in the White City. Not a whole lot of news beyond that, but it's good news. Apparently the giant book that this is based on is really good and DiCaprio hasn't done his obligatory "I'm a famous actor who everybody loves playing against type as a bad guy" role yet. My prediction? His first Oscar. We love to reward people for shit like this.

3.) Tarsem Singh directing Snow White? - Apparently, visionary director Tarsem Singh, who also keeps himself busy composing my nightmares, is going to do the serious, Brothers Grimm version of Snow White, not to be confused with the potential Johnny Depp/Cameron Diaz vehicle that's more goofy and action based. Singh has done some brilliant stuff with more placid, boring material...so the thought of him uncorking on a fairy tale is pretty friggin' great. This is one of those decisions that moves the film from so far off my radar it's not even a blip to OH MY GOD I CANNOT WAIT! Nicely played.

4.) Cameron Crowe wants Scarlett Johansson, Amy Adams, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, or Rachel McAdams? - Just not for the same things I want them for. What? I want them to write haikus for me. What did you think I meant? Apparently one of the following women will be Matt Damon's wife and live in a zoo in We Bought a Zoo, which is the most literal title for a movie since The Dilemma.

She would be a great choice because she loves animals. You can tell by the leopard print.

She would be great to star against Matt Damon because she worked at Hooters. I don't know why that prepares her, but everyone keeps talking about how she used to work at Hooters.

Um, not sure about this one. She was considered for the role of Mary Jane or Gwen Stacy in the Spidey reboot, so being Matt Damon's wife seems a little creepy. Damon's down though.


She deserves the part BECAUSE I SAY SO, OKAY?!

Whoever wins, if this is the actual shortlist, audiences are going to be very happy.

5.) Baz Luhrmann wants Natalie Portman or Keira Knightley? - But not for the same things I want them for. What? I want them to write guest columns on the blog. Jeez, guys, what did you think? Luhrmann is casting his Daisy in The Great Gatsby, which may have Leonardo DiCaprio and Tobey Maguire in it. He has about 5 names on the list, but you remember how I said I was running behind right? Here's the two that matter, the ones who would do the best job:

She who is rumored for every movie ever: Natalie Portman!!!!

She who only does period pieces: Keira Knightley.

Like I said, there are others, but that's not important right now. I actually think this adaptation could work. Luhrmann is often good (when he's not doing Australia), and the cast seems strong with DiCaprio and Maguire. That's the extent of my thoughts. Gotta run!

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People lining up for xeno-death

If we don't get Natalie Portman being chased by weirdly phallic, double-jawed acid spewers, looks like our consolation prize may not be too shabby.

God I wish the rest of life worked like that. I'm not sure the exchange rate on such things, but trading a Portman for a Hathaway (if it comes to that) seems beyond reasonable to me. It just occurred to me I never mentioned officially that this is for the Alien prequel for which Damon Lindelof apparently wrote a treatment that's beyond awesome. James Franco is also circling the project, presumably as the alien. I'm kidding, I like J-Frank, he's got personality, is willing to spoof himself on "30 Rock," and may just be the actual meltdown that Joaquin Phoenix faked waiting to happen. Portman hasn't passed yet, and Noomi Rapace (that's a real name, I swear) and Casey Mulligan are also swimming in the waters around. The point is, I really thought this project was hot bread (toast) but it looks like Lindelof has taken something that was dead and made it appear alive...there's a joke there, if someone who is a fan of "Lost" could help me with that...

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Lindelof lift off

Things were looking bleak for the Alien prequel that nobody needs. After Ridley Scott talked up an awesome, gritty, R-rated version that would tear our souls from our bodies, we all got pumped. At least, I know I did, as few things get me as excited as soul-tearing alien killing. Then came word that Fox balked at the price tag, a mere $150 million. Cue Damon Lindelof, "Lost" creator/arrogant-SOB, who was tasked to write a treatment that came in somewhere below that dollar amount and had mass appeal. I see where Fox was drawn to him, what with him delivering things that came in below expectations (zing!). Apparently, they think he aced it, as the movie has life again...and a PG-13 rating that doesn't sound as "bloody" and "savage" as Scott teased. So my excitement went from "why are you doing another Alien movie" to "oh, Ridley Scott's doing it and says it's going to be crazy, I'm in" to "Lindelof borked it down to PG-13 and made it cheap, ugh." But wait, there's more. Natalie Portman is being sought for the lead, presumably because she hasn't been rumored for a sci-fi production in the last five minutes.

So, now my excitement went from "NOOO, unnecessary prequel" to "YAY, Ridley Scott returns with an R-rating" to "BOOO, Lindelof and low-budget" to "OMG, will Natalie wear a tank top and underpants only to fight evil phallic-shaped aliens like Sigourney Weaver did?" My emotions are being toyed with here, people.

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Ryan's Junk Drawer

With great junk, comes great responsibility - "Better Off Ted"

Once more I must quote from the terribly racist Asian sidekick Short Round: "No time for love, Doctor Jones." My next 24 hours consists of seeing the midnight show of The Social Network because I missed the screening because I was at speech practice because there's a big speech meet in Manhattan, Kansas this weekend followed by doing the radio show with Steve King at 7:30 tomorrow morning before working all day before driving to Manhattan, Kansas. I'm already tired. Oh, and next week is my brother-in-law's wedding, and I love that kid, so I want to make sure I do everything I can to make things awesome for him.

What I'm saying is, you'll forgive me if my junk is not up to regular standards. If my junk isn't as impressive as usual, it's just that I'm stressed out. This doesn't usually happen to me. I always want you to say "Wow, look at Ryan's junk!" or tell others "You really need to check out Ryan's junk today." But I fear today is one of those days you may look at my junk and say "it's okay, I know you're really busy and you're probably just thinking about something else." Obviously, by junk I mean movie tidbits that are collected here because they don't merit full blog posts. Although, I think you thought I meant something else...

We begin each week by looking at the creepy image of what I believe to be a serial killer's junk drawer from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN. I choose an item, make up a story, laugh at my own story, then nobody ever comments on it again. Today's item is the screw in the middle of the drawer. Gerald was the least funny person in the world. That wasn't a personal belief. There was a poll taken, and the results conclusively demonstrated that if Gerald were to do stand-up comedy next to Pol Pot and Hitler, he would come in third. One day, while he was joylessly enduring his job with coworkers who were saddened by his very presence, he was assembling a metal scaffold. As he was working on his end, he heard a clank down by where all 10 other employees had gathered to tell humorous stories as far from Gerald the Joke Killer as possible. Gerald turned and yelled "What was that?" One employee slowly held up the screw that had fallen. Gerald saw it and was enraged, as per usual. "You think that's not important? You think we can just let parts of this fall out? You'll die if it's not properly constructed. Now get that back were it belongs or we're screwed." It wasn't intentional, nor was it particularly humorous, but at the mere prospect of Gerald making a joke, the gang burst into laughter. Gerald kept that screw forever in his junk drawer, as a reminder of the only joke he ever made, the one everyone laughed at as he fired them.

Okay, enough shenanigans, on to the movie news!!!

1.) "So, why exactly is this mission so impossible, shorty?" - I don't know the plot of Mission Impossible 4...or even the title, as some folks are suggesting they rebrand it something else entirely, a decision suggested by a stupid, stupid person who hates money. What I do know is that there will be naked, heaving bosoms complete with full nipple exposure. How do I know this? Because Josh Holloway, aka Sawyer from "Lost," has been hired as part of Tom Cruise's impossible mission crew. We all know that dude hates wearing a shirt almost as much as Matthew McConaughey, so I imagine he'll have to "seduce an enemy agent" or "disarm a bomb using only his nude abdomen." He's also likely to toss out a few nicknames, just so we remember where we know him from. If he calls Cruise anything from short-stack to Xenu, I'm going to love MI4 an MF-ton.



2.) Finally, someone feels the pull of Gravity - Honestly, I could do a Natalie Portman story every day for the rest of my life and not feel bad about it at all. Hell, I'll make up reasons to put her in this blog. "I just watched a documentary on how quicksand is formed, which reminds me how much I'd love to see Natalie Portman on the beach." I'll do it. Luckily, her agent is giving me better excuses, as the day AFTER we hear her rumored for Lois Lane, we hear she may be in negotiations for Gravity, the project that refuses to die.

I chose this image because it looks like she's being forcibly pulled into this project, which is entirely possible. Having been offered first to Angelina Jolie, then to everything in Hollywood with boobs and v-jay, Nat-Po would have been my first choice anyway. It's a project from an artistic director (Alfonso Cuaron), with an insane amount of screen time for one actress (I could stare at Nat-nat all day) who needs to show a diverse range of emotion (she's playing a possessed ballerina and stars in a stoner comedy set in medieval times later this year...boom, diversity). I'm happy this movie is getting made because I want to see it as much as I want to stop talking about it.

3.) Zemeckis tired of stealing souls - Robert Zemeckis last made a movie when Clinton was in office. Sorry, last made a REAL movie in the pre-Bush era. He did use technology to steal the souls of Anthony Hopkins, Tom Hanks, and Jim Carrey in the meantime. Having finally decided that not EVERY movie he makes needs to be motion capture, the word on the street is that the Z-Dog is returning to using humans in ways that doesn't damn them to hell by shucking their soul from their body using a PC. Supposedly, he's circling Timeless, an "action time-travel movie," which we know nothing about whatsoever...and he considered Superman! Jeez Louise, who HASN'T been offered or considered Superman? Me. That's who. I haven't considered directing Superman. Or, in Hollywood-speak, I've decided to remove my name from consideration. Z-mecks is a good director who made some classic movies, and I hope he returns in full force. Oh, and totally unrelated, but Tom Hanks in Polar Express (one of Z-bone's motion capture soul suckers) totally looks like Vikings coach Brad Childress.


4.) The casting for 360 does make my head spin around - Obviously, when you say your film is a sexytime thriller with an "investigation of sexual urges," then tell me this lady is starring:I'm in. Even if the next name that you put out there to appear in 360, which was based on a play, is a little surprising.
Uh...as near as I can tell, the last bit of acting Eminem did was convincing everyone that "Relapse" was something he was proud of. This isn't to say Slim Shady can't act. He can. I just don't want to see him acting opposite Rachel Weisz...because I'll be jealous of him more than usual. I mean, I can accept that he can headline with Jay-Z while I lack those skills, but if this is about him playing a person who wants to make it with Rachel Weisz, I promise I am more qualified. Whether or not this casting actually occurs, it's weird, right?

5.) Trailers, Parked - This week's trailers are sci-fi-riffic, as we have an emo-teenage alien drama and a "don't look at the light" aliens eating you blockbuster.

I am Number Four was the second work of fiction from James Frey, and the first one called that. It's about aliens who came to earth running from something that has to kill them in a specific order. All fear the evil obsessive-compulsive monster! Also, they are teenagers who seem mopey. That will never catch on.

Skyline looks batshit insane. But like others, I fear that we're seeing all of the effects in the trailers, as the budget was low for this. I think we're being led to believe this is a giant epic slugfest when it's really a low-budget, closed space film. I could be wrong though. And I hope I am, because if this is actually what we're getting, it looks like so much fun.

Okay, that's it for my junk this week. Hope you had fun. See you tomorrow when I am hella tired.

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Red hot for Snow White

First, this rumor comes from Pajiba, and they are roughly as accurate as cupping your ear in Omaha and trying to overhear a conversation in Denver. Second, I don't really care, because this rumor involves:


Third, what is with all the "dark fantasy" business? Actually, scratch that. I have a theory that it is for ladies and some men what stupid sci-fi or action movies are to dudes and some women. So, I'll allow all of this.

Pajiba is reporting that Jean-Pierre Jeunet (as if you couldn't tell by that name, he's obviously Indian) is circling the Brother's Grimm version of "Snow White" with even vaguer rumors that Nat-Po is also considering the gig. This pairing is so perfect for the material that it just feels totally fake. I hope I'm wrong. I hope I get to see the picture perfect Nat-nat running around with dwarfs that promote Marxist ideology, but I have this feeling like I will never be mentioning this again.

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For the love of God, SOMEONE star in Gravity!!!!

The saga behind who will star in (and thus save) Gravity is quickly approaching soap opera status.

Director Alfonso Cuaron: Angelina, you are the only woman for me, without you, I'm lost.
Angelina Jolie: Alfonso, you know that I love and respect you, but my heart is with Brad. Between my love for him, raising my litter, and perpetually trying to convince the world that I was never batshit insane, I have no time for you.
Alfonso: Woe is me! My one true love has left me! I shall never be able to move forward ever again. My life's work is dead, dead, dead. Wait, who is that over there?
Scarlett Johansson: I'm sorry, Alfonso, but my perfect heaving bosom does not have within it burning desire to be locked into an antigravity simulator and barf all over my perfect figure for months on end. Besides, nobody thinks I have the talent for what you want me to do.
Alfonso: We can make it work, Scarlett! WE CAN MAKE AN ASTRONAUT SUIT SEXY, I SWEAR IT! ALAS!!! Angelina does not love me, Scarlett does not love me. What am I to do? Wait, who's that over there?
Blake Lively: Dude, I'm like 12. You shouldn't even be looking at me like that.
Alfonso: ALAS AND ALACK! I have been spurned by Angelina, rejected by Scarlett, threatened with legal action by Blake. What would my friends do? Well, Darren Aronofsky would just cast his wife.
Rachel Weisz: Don't even think about it.
Alfonso: But I know that if we...
Rachel Weisz: You think I do weird artistic science fiction projects for just anybody? My HUSBAND asked me to do that last one, and I got to rub all over Hugh Jackman. Who would I be rubbing against in your film?
Alfonso: If you were wanting to rub, you would have to rub against yourself.
Rachel Weisz: Aaaaand I'm out.
Alfonso: That's it, my life is over. The ladies, they do not love me. My art will wither and die like a stubborn grape on a vine. Wait, who is that over there?

Alfonso: She is an angel! A divine being possessed of more beauty and talent than any of these women before mentioned! I shall send her a love letter in the form of my revised script! Surely she cannot resist the charms of my new draft! I will win her heart!

And that folks, is where we stand, although I left out Marion Cotillard, Naomi Watts, and Olivia Wilde because I got tired of this joke. The offer is out to Natalie if she wants it after reading the script. I have said before and I'll say again, I hope SOMEONE takes it so we see this thing, but I wouldn't hold my breath at this point.

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They say it's my birthday....

But it isn't. It is, however, this blog's birthday. We enter our terrible twos starting today, which is only slightly more terrifying than starting this thing up in the first place. Back then, there were no Junk Drawers, no desperate pleas for anyone to buy me things, no box office haikus. There was just me trying to find a way to say the types of things you can (and do) find elsewhere on the vast expanse of imaginary landscape called the internet in a way that's different from the other informational oases that you can (and do) also see them at. I still don't know if I'm doing it "right" or "well," so much as I've found ways that work for me, and it's all about me, right? Hell no.

I would be lying if I say this little corner of the blog-o-sphere has reached into some cultural zeitgeist and taken up residence in the general public's psyche. It hasn't. But what I have found are groups of people (friends, family, strangers) who have taken the time to read these scrambled brain ramblings, these self-amusing thoughts, and that has been awesome. Every comment from a reader of this blog is like a little message from God to me, and I can't tell you how incredible it is to receive one. With that in mind, as this blog crawls into infancy, I beg of you to tell me what you want more and less of, unless you want less dorky, awkward humor, because sweetie, that ain't goin' nowhere. What I mean is, "Lost" is over, I've been doing the same things for years now, and you're all smart people. Put those together and you get a scenario for suggestions from the people I most want to impress. You're all the pretty girl in the class, and I will do or say anything to get your attention.

I love doing this. I'm going to keep doing this until my fingers fall off or the internet fad passes like Prince says it will. Provided the Mayan apocalypse doesn't rain fire upon us, I'll be doing it as long as you want me to, and that's the truth. So, happy birthday Cutting Room. Celebrate by clicking ads, leaving comments, and talking about this crap with other people. Thank you, sincerely, thank you for reading this. I mean it, I love you.

Now, because I don't want to end this post celebrating this blog's birth on a weepy, heartfelt note, I will instead settle for something far more fitting. On the eve of this celebration, something hit the net that served as the perfect gift, wrapped in a pretty little bow. Don't tell me it's coincidence, I know by God that it is divine intervention that the first photographs of Natalie Portman from Black Swan just happened to hit on Cutting Room's birthday. Thank you, universe.

So, if you're keeping track at home, it goes thank you:

1.) You
2.) Natalie Portman
3.) Universe
4.) Tim Burton jokes

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I want to apologize

I've been doing this for a long time now, in fact, Friday is the 2 year anniversary of this blog. Yeah, I just squeezed some thought juice out of your mind grapes with that one, didn't I? Also, because even God is apparently a reader of this site, somehow my 1,000 post is going to pretty much line-up directly with that day in what can only be a symbol of direct divine intervention. Rad, huh? We'll get all whimsical and self-reflective that day, perhaps starting with some kind of explanation why I always say "we" when it's just me writing this. But the reason I'm nostalgic today is that I need to apologize. Oh, not to you, you'll love me no matter what...right? No, I need to apologize to Natalie Portman.
I've been talking so much about other girls, and I haven't barely made mention of this divine goddess, this diminutive angel, in so long that I believe her feelings are undoubtedly hurt. Nat, baby, I can't go back and undo what I've done, replacing stupid posts about the status of the unfinished Fraggle movie with odes to your every hair fiber. All I can do is find some meaningless bit of information to justify posting to you now. Like, say, a post on Slashfilm that found someone who claims to have seen a screening of Black Swan, the upcoming movie which I am looking forward to because director Darren Aronofsky is one of the best in the game right now, because the story sounds totally trippy (a ballerina begins having murderous delusions), and because you are infinitely talented. Okay, fine, I'm also mildly curious about the rumors that you totally do sexytime with Mila Kunis. There, I said it. The good news is, the random guy on the internet who claims to have seen a super secret screening said "I will say that Natalie Portman has never been better. Man is Natalie Portman good in it, yowzers." If you can't trust the word "yowzers" from a random Internet poster who calls himself "Money B," who can you trust? Point is, my darling, I will not leave you for that long again. I don't care if you never make another movie, I'll do a 8-week retrospective on Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium. I swear it.

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Odin's uvula!

Why, not two days ago I was in the comic book shop, picking up the latest and greatest stories told in the Mighty Marvel Manner (seriously, if you like comics and are not reading Hickman's run on "The Fantastic Four," thou art a dipshit). The conversation turned, as it is wont to do, to the subject of comic-book movie adaptations. The quick rundown was Kick-Ass = Da ballz, Losers = Missed opportunity, Iron Man 2 = Exciting...but why all the mixed reviews? The question then became, "what comic book movie are you MOST excited about." That one was easy: Thor. I've been drooling over this flick since I found out that Kenneth Branagh was behind the lens. A friggin' Shakespearean actor/director who has NEVER done anything NEAR this magnitude being unleashed on a tale that would heavily draw from Norse mythology? YespleasemayIhavemore. Then came word that Anthony Hopkins would play Odin, which may be the best decision ever made next to presidential term limits in the light of the Bush administration. Oh and news that Natalie Portman was in it sure didn't hurt anything. I was going to post a picture of the loveliest of lovelies here, but it's Friday...so I'm going to go with something even more fun.

So, long story short, my response to those comic dudes is the same as my response to you here now: I am GEEKED for Thor. More geeked now, thanks to THIS:
Yahoo Movies scored this first glimpse at the Thor in costume...and it looks goooooood. Somehow, the silliness of it (provided they've figured out what to do about the dorktastic winged helmet) was muted appropriately. Sure, we can't see his warrior skirt or KISS boots, but what we do see looks great. This has only further encouraged my belief that this movie will rule all. What say you all?

Movie Review: New York, I Love You

First off, Valentine's Day (the movie, not the actual pointless day) is getting a sequel called New Year's Eve, presumably to be released at or near New Year's Eve. Sure, it hasn't even been released yet and probably sucks enough to peel faces off of normal humans, but it's got everyone who ever starred in or watched a romantic comedy. It's really just proof that the new trend in rom coms is to anthologize them. Surprisingly, even though no one has nailed this strategy except Love Actually, I'm a fan of this idea. See, most rom coms have about a two sentence plot and all the depth of a dixie cup. Really, if you think about it, these stupid movies have about 10 minutes of actual movie and 80 minutes of filler involving chubby best friends (male and female), wacky shenanigans and misunderstandings, and a bullshit montage. Why not just use the 10 minutes that are somewhat passable and hobble together an anthology movie? I don't mind this at all. It's like instead of having to see 10 of these movies a year, you see one and your quota is filled. It's a good idea. This brings me to my review of New York, I Love You, a movie that tried to do this (kind of) and sort of failed. To be fair, it insisted upon itself as an intelligent ROMANCE film, not a romantic comedy anthology...but then it went and let Hayden Christensen star in it, so there goes any quality. Enough preamble, here's the review.

DVD Discovery
Urban Jumble
New York, I Love You…but only a little

Some of the 11 interwoven short films that comprise New York, I Love You are fascinating in their subtle, nuanced romanticism. The rest of them can go straight to hell.

Like a box of chocolates in which half are caramel filled and half are stuffed with sewage, this successor to the 2006 anthology flick Paris, Je T’aime isn’t so much a postcard of the sleepless city as it is a delicious big apple with plenty of rotten spots. The film’s concept is its own undoing, as the loosey-goosey structure that allows shockingly disparate perspectives on “love in New York” prevents any cohesive experience. Instead, the viewer is force fed an all-you-can-eat buffet without the benefit of choosing their portions.

Although the assignment was “love in New York,” some creators must have heard “just do whatever.” For example, Jiang Wen directed Hayden Christensen, Andy Garcia and Rachel Bilson to have a pointless conversation in a bar, while Allen Hughes directed Bradley Cooper and Drea de Matteo to act like they wanted to hump each other, even though they’re strangers, before humping each other, even though they’re strangers.

Although boring, at least those two tales weren’t as inscrutable as director Yvan Attal’s segment, which featured Maggie Q as a call girl, Ethan Hawke as a writer who tries to seduce her with sexy talk, and Chris Cooper and Robin Wright Penn as a married couple with mental defects, or director Fatih Akin’s nonsensical story of a painter (Uğur Yücel) who dies before painting his subject (Shu Qi). And let’s not even mention Randy Balsmeyer’s “transition segments,” for fear of further encouraging him.

Thankfully, some folks actually tried. Director Mira Nair’s sweet short features the daydream of cross-cultural love between Natalie Portman and Irrfan Khan. Shunji Iwai’s quickie about a struggling composer (Orlando Bloom) and his reluctant muse (Christina Ricci) is a keeper. Shekhar Kapur’s haunting ditty has Julie Christie as a fading singer, with John Hurt and Shia LaBeouf awkwardly present. Natalie Portman’s directorial debut is a delightfully ambiguous tale of fatherly affection. Director Joshua Marston enjoyably spotlights the elderly love between Eli Wallach and Cloris Leachman. And finally, in the upset of the century, director Brett Ratner fires off the most fun piece, with Anton Yelchin as a boy who takes James Caan’s daughter (Olivia Thirlby) to the prom with kinky results.

Watching New York, I Love You is kind of like consuming 11 romantic comedies in one sitting. Subtract the air of artistic arrogance mixed with the student filmmaking vibe, and this seems to be a natural evolution. With last year’s He’s Just Not That Into You and the upcoming rom-com nuclear bomb Valentine’s Day sporting obscenely gigantic casts cut up into tiny, bite-size sketches, it seems like we may have found the answer to the slew of “date movies” that feature wafer-thin plots and clever premises. Why not smoosh them together into one experience? This isn’t necessarily a bad idea; with the right combo of creators and talent, this may be a sign of things to come.

Grade – C+

Honestly, I won't be listening

As Brendon at Slashfilm eloquently and intelligently notes, Clint Mansell's "Lux Aeterna" is "one of the most beloved, discussed and arguably overplayed pieces of film music in the medium’s entire history." I mean, I could give a shit because I love it so much, but he's totally right. I love it so much I'm going to post it right here just so I can listen to it again.



In fact, read everything that I write here on this blog with this soundtrack playing. Yeah, it will make my jokes a lot less funny but (A) you weren't going to laugh anyway and (B) I'll give up a little laughter in order to feel bad-ass, which is what this song makes everything feel like. To get to the point, Mansell scores director Darren Aronofsky's stuff, it's what he does. So he's going to score Black Swan, which is (wait for it) the movie in which Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis have angry sex. Yep, photo time:

Okay, back to the actual story at hand. Mansell is going to base his score for Black Swan (potentially) on "Swan Lake." That's all kinds of awesome. He's going to jack with the structure and whatnot, but that's his plan. How cool would that be? The Slashfilm story goes on to talk about how Mansell's score for Moon was rad (which it was) and how he and Duncan Jones (the director of Moon) want to hook up again (for movies, not relations...although maybe that too, who's to say and I'm not judging) but may not be able to. I hope they do because I like them both very much, but until then, I'll have to console myself by thinking about Kunis on Portman action set to a funky "Swan Lake." Weird...but hot.

Yet another excuse to post pictures of Natalie Portman

Man, the suits in Hollywood are making this too easy. I mean, I want a challenge. I want to find some side-track or divergence in thought that takes me from talking about how some marginal CW star is being considered for a minor supporting role in a third-tier comic book movie to discussing how dayum fiiiiine Natalie Portman is, thus granting me an excuse to post photographic evidence. Instead, I log on to Latinoreview.com, a helluva site, to find that Ms. Portman (pictured below kissing Scarlett Johansson...I'm going to let that sink in for a minute) is going to star in a zombie movie.

The movie in question...HEY, EYES DOWN HERE. The movie in question is Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, which is about the funniest concept I've heard of, provided they don't stop there. Portman will play Elizabeth Bennett, who isn't just asserting her proto-feminist independence so much as she's also trying to survive an invading horde of the undead. Yes, it's a comedy...and yes, I'm probably going to consider it the finest Jane Austen adaptation yet. The lovely miss Portman is used to doing more serious work (you're not even listening are you...you're just looking at the picture of Scar-Jo and Nat necking above, aren't you?...I'm not saying I blame you, I'm just saying it's rude to ignore all this work I'm doing writing when I could also be staring at that picture). That said, look, it's not like my girl can't do comedy. Not only did she make a joke out of her career temporarily by starring in Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium (a movie I still think of as "Mr. Poopstick's Magic Poopstick" based on some comment somebody posted somewhere on the internet), but she is also part of what remains my personal favorite SNL short of all time (seen below).

So, yeah, I think this is going to be a major triumph. Also, here's another picture because I'm shameless.

Movie Review: Brothers

Justin reviewed my beloved Natalie Portman and a bunch of people who aren't Natalie Portman in Brothers this weekend. I'm not going to make this post all about me, like it usually is. I'm just going to briefly post a picture of Natalie Portman looking hot and then present the review.

Hotness


Reviewness

No Quiet on the Home Front
Brothers takes a stab at bringing the war home
Justin Senkbile

Encountering a movie like director Jim Sheridan's Brothers is a little confusing. Although it entirely depends on today's world, it somehow remains completely forgettable and uninsightful. It's the tale of a family broken by war, specifically the war in Afghanistan; if one were to leave that detail out, the movie would feel like a melodrama straight out of 50s Hollywood, slapping on emotions hastily but in vivid colors, uneven but exciting. That said, Afghanistan is involved, and thus, in light of today's world and today's war, Brothers seems frivolous and almost unfinished.

Marine Captain Sam Cahill (Tobey Maguire), prized son, all-American dad and star soldier, is presumed to have died during a mission in Afghanistan. In their mourning, Sam's wife Grace (Natalie Portman) and black-sheep younger brother Tommy (Jake Gyllenhaal) develop an intense bond. The hours with Grace and her daughters (Taylor Geare and Bailee Madison) serve to free ex-con Tommy from his drunken, failure-laden past. Whereas for Grace, Tommy's presence serves as a slight antidote for the void left by the death of her husband.

Of course, that's when Sam shows up. He hadn't died after all but was imprisoned and tortured by vicious insurgents. After the wartime trauma, Sam returns home paranoid, disoriented and completely disconnected. His sudden fits of rage terrify his daughters, and Grace and Tommy start to get nervous as well when they realize Sam is convinced they're having an affair.

Sam is intensely disturbed and intensely played by Maguire, but it's frustrating to imagine the possibilities this character presented that were ignored in favor of clichés. Sam ends up being too one-dimensional to be taken seriously as any sort of victim. In fact, towards the end, Sam seems less and less like a traumatized man and more like a slasher movie villain. Tommy too has his fair share of corny moments, but Gyllenhaal seems totally at ease with Tommy's casual arrogance mixed with sweetness. Plus, he's in all of the film's sharpest scenes, the ones between Tommy and his ex-marine father Hank (playwright Sam Shepard).

Portman is surprisingly convincing as a mother but never gets room to do much more than sob, despite being the emotional centerpiece of the whole endeavor. Tied inextricably to the roles of mother and wife, Grace appropriately gets only one real scene to reveal herself—with two young kids and a supposedly dead husband, such moments must indeed be hard for her to come by. Unfortunately, the scene is yet another cliché, staged in front of a fireplace with Tommy and some pot.

Brothers is almost like the shell of a movie. It cries, yells and flails around but expresses nothing more than that. The idea seems to be to reiterate the phrase "war is hell" but it ultimately fails because it has nothing new to add and has little of interest to show us. In the end, Brothers is just too uneven and unfocused to leave us with much to ponder.

Grade: C-

Weird Holiday News Week Volume Three: This doesn't fit my theme

Okay, so this is really just a regular type post in which I speculate about some actress taking on a role in a superhero movie and it in no way really fits the theme I've created. You know what, nobody's perfect, okay. Nobody. Certainly not that mythical ex-boyfriend of yours who did nice things for you that I don't do. I know he's made-up. Anyway, here's your regular (sigh) movie blurb. Kat Dennings, who is endowed with a Scarlett Johnasson-ian degree of actressly gifts, is in Thor. That much we know. Doing what, well, that's the question. Presumably she'll be looking seductive.

But that just makes good common sense. The word on the street is that she may be playing "The Enchantress," which is a fairly throw-away villainess, but I like the idea of her playing Hela, the queen of the Norse Hell. First off, she's got that dark vibe about her (despite playing the lead in Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist which, screw off, I liked). Second, she seems inherently naughty. I don't know what it is, maybe it's how she's drawn, but I'm thinking that I would rather see her be a central role in a big way than some dumb little villain. Oh, there's also a chance she's just taking on a role like "sister to the main female lead." That would be less exciting, except that the female lead is Natalie Portman...so, you guessed it, PICTURE TIME!

I know this post is a little out of what I intended. I don't think you mind.

I will cover every single aspect of Black Swan

The Expendables may have the market cornered on testosterone, but it is not the upcoming film most likely to feel like a man (something modern science has struggled with for decades). No, the film most likely to make me re-experience puberty is Black Swan, a movie about ballet. Yeah, you heard me right. Why? Why would a movie about the art of dance cause me to feel more like Sylvester Stallone circa Demolition Man than like Sylvester Stallone circa saggy-boobed-steroid-arrest? Because, as we are reminded by Slashfilm, Black Swan is the movie in which Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman have “ecstasy-induced hungry aggressive angry sex.” I shudder every time I see those words. Well, the cast of the film is rounding out...and another smokin' hottie has been added. Slashfilm.com is exclusively reporting that

has joined

and

Oh, and apparently Barbara Hershey and Vincent Cassel have been added to the cast as well. Darren Aronofsky, who goes home to Rachel Weisz every night and pumps out good movies every single time out, will be directing these ladies engaged in ballet dancing and sin...and I cannot wait. If I ever say that I'm looking forward to a movie more than this, slap

Bank robbers to wear Aronofsky-masks

Get it? Aronof-SKI MASKS? I really shouldn't use headlines that rely on the pronunciation of confusing director names. Moving on, it turns out that Darren Aronofsky is going to move from directing a ballet movie (Black Swan) in which Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis have hot, angry sex (I'll be over here when you recover from that) to a movie about the biggest heist ever. Slashfilm.com is reporting that the director is adapting the story of the 2006 British robbery that netted more than $83 million in bank notes (or, as the write-up puts it "a sum of money so vast that if the notes were stacked up they would equal the height of high-rise building"). The robbery was led by a former UFC fighter (how crazy is that) and Aronofsky is intending on it being a character-based caper, which isn't surprising. I'm just glad that Guy Ritchie will be busy directing a sequel to Sherlock Holmes, because we've seen this movie from him already about a half dozen times. What we haven't seen is someone with Aronofsky's proclivity for emotionally demanding characters take on the whole slick crime thing. Again, he's one of those directors that has a free pass with me. Until he makes something I don't like, I will watch anything he does. Period. Also, he is married to Rachel Weisz. That has nothing to do with anything but must be respected. As excited as I am for Black Swan (and really, if you aren't, shame on you), I'm equally as excited for this. That's a lie. This one will not have hot, angry Portman/Kunis sex. Then again, maybe that will become his trademark, like Tarantino's dialogue or John Woo's double-gun jumping? It's a thought.

Week in Review

Because I love you, here's a recap of the week's "best," as determined by me in bullet point form, because I love bullets.

• I still think my version of the dialogue from these epic 14 seconds of New Moon footage is the best, but nobody else has given me theirs.
• Darren liked my "Anne Frank-ly" quip.
• This has a picture of Natalie Portman, so, you're welcome.
• My junk drawer runneth over.
• District 9 is teh shit. Period.

That should do it.

My love for Natalie Portman needs no reciprocation

Oh, Natalie, how unfair is life that you and I remain strangers? Or, more accurately, how cruel is it that you have no idea who I am whilst I repeatedly opine for your affection publicly whilst posting photos like the one below and continuing to say whilst?



Normally, Natalie, I am unwavering in my support of you. When people mocked your wooden performances in the Star Wars prequels, I smote them with my officially licensed Queen Amidala headgear and blamed George Lucas. When you made Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium, or as some referred to it "Mr. Poopstick's Magic Poopstick," I hit them with said poopstick and said "she got to work with Dustin Hoffman, and only great actors like Marky Mark get to do that!" Point is, I violently defend nearly every bad decision you make, mainly for reasons evident above (I would love you for you but you won't return my calls). So, imagine my surprise when I found that you are producing Booksmart, a movie with a plot description that sounds a lot like reminding girls who are smart that they are incomplete without a man. Oh, sure, the actual script may be different, but will likely be written by some callous male who sees this as an opportunity to get back at the intelligent girls who never loved him either. Look, Natalie, you can do no wrong in my eyes. You made Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium and you still top my "list." I mean, that's love, baby. But, come on, you are a powerful, beautiful woman with tons of influence and a production company and the soundbite we get is about smart girls who decide they need boyfriends? Wowza. Maybe with a quick rewrite this can be about smart girls who decide they DON'T need boyfriends? Feel free to call me for more ideas, or just call me, or just acknowledge I'm alive. You know, whatever.

Apatow signs 3-picture deal. Projected total running time: 7,134 minutes

Many of you are going to go see Funny People tonight. Judd Apatow thanks you (your bladder doesn't). Your dedication to his brand has granted him a 3-picture deal at Universal, and thus guarantees Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill can continue enjoying inexplicable fame. Now, I'm a fan of Apatow's; his decision to make actual characters and plot lines of consequence in his comedies seems like it shouldn't be revolutionary but really has been. However, his Achilles heel is two-fold (Achilles heels? Achillesi heel?): (1) His films are too GD long and (2) he needs better female characters (and a few less dick jokes). I know that bitching about running times is so easy that even the douchehammer Ben Lyons does it, but seriously, the only way your comedy should be 145 minutes is if 35 of those minutes feature Evangeline Lilly, Rachel McAdams, and Natalie Portman engaging in activity that I know none of them will ever engage in. Trim it down and people will have more laughs per square second and that makes their opinion of the film go up and saves people like me from having to endure more of a movie I would have liked if it were less. As for the better female characters, I know that it's commonplace these days to have cookie-cutter ladies in your R-rated comedy, but seriously dude you can do better. Mix in an actual female writer or at least have one look over your film before you produce another clone of every one of the women in every one of your movies. Jeez, write a funny female character with brains and you'll be hailed as some kind of comedic second coming or, at the very least, not be stoned to death by intelligent women with good aim. Anyway, enjoy your 3-picture deal, Judd.

When will I NOT write about Natalie Portman?

Let's get something straight: When there's news about Natalie Portman, I'm going to run it. When Natalie Portman does virtually nothing of consequence, but still can do this with her face:



I'm also going to run it. Thankfully for those of you who still consider this site to be a place of modest information alongside immodest cursing and vulgar speculation, there is a bit of news to go along with the above image (despite my assurance to you that there need not be for me to opine for several hundred words about what lingers above). Everyone on the whole Internet is reporting that this lovely lass:



(hominahominahomina) is going to star in Thor as the blonde-haired chunk-a-burnin' man's human love interest. I'm not sure how this is going to work because, in the comic, Thor turned into a regular dude named Donald, and it was Don who bagged his nurse (to ironically be played by the goddess above...whose eyes could command me to commit a litany of illicit activities should she so choose, seriously I just committed arson because I thought it's what she would want). Rumor has it that Donald is not in the script...so does this mean that Nat will be gettin' with a full-on, ridiculous hat-wearing God? A guy who looks like this?

With apologies to my man John Romita Jr (who straight-up drew the shiznit out of the guy in that cover), his costume is so ridiculous, I buy him as a viable superhero almost as much as I buy Ann Curry doing the news (one day we shall battle, Curry...one day). Still, if Natalie WANTED to bag herself a dude who looked like this, she could, as I'm pretty sure she could seduce a building should she so choose. Also, Jessica Biel (who many people freak out over as well, but I'm a one-gal obsessive) is rumored to have a part (likely as the evil enchantress or Lady Sif, a fellow Norse God), but she's as terrible an actress as Natalie is a good one, so I don't care. This has been your "marginal news (Natalie Portman officially cast in Thor) but really just a big excuse to look at Natalie Portman" movie blog of the day. Happy Tuesday!