Thursday, August 27, 2009

Yes, but would a Spielberg pirate movie be rated ARRRRRGGGH?!

Ah, pirate humor, is there no ill you can't cure with your scurvy-ridden, syphilitic charm? Michael Crichton, who was an average novelist and (if you read some of the crazier stories) a total douchehammer, had written an unpublished novel about pirates before he passed away. As you may know, pirates are now only slightly less bankable than nubile actresses with a penchant for sex tapes. It should come as no surprise then that, according to USA Today (yes that paper still exists), this book:

File:Pirate Latitudes.jpg

is gonna be a movie, potentially directed by Steven Spielberg but definitely produced by him. I would like to point out that this was Crichton's second choice for a title, the first being "Scallywag Longitude," which I think we all would have appreciated a bit more. I should also point out that the synopsis, which I could barely make it through, reveals that the plot is set in the Caribbean and involves some measure of "adventure." Okay, I skimmed it, I honestly couldn't get through it. This really just brings me to an excellent question nobody asks: How is it that these artists of all kinds have "unpublished materials" when they die? I'm fully alive and I can't bring myself to finish a novel. If I had a novel finished, I would release it unless something stopped me. The only way I have an "unfinished novel" is if you find it in my hands when I die on the way to try to publish it. All of this (the pirate adaptation, not the dying stuff) is good news for Speilberg who has wanted to do his own pirate movie (supposedly) since I'm guessing Hook instilled in him the desire. So help me Jeebus if one of those pirates says "Bangarang" I'm going to laugh until I pop a kidney.

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