Shia "the truth" LaBeouf

This is by no means groundbreaking or earth-shattering news, but much like a White Stripe who "fell in love with a girl," it bears repeating now. Shia LaBeouf feels guilty about what he and those monkeys did to our Indiana Jones franchise.

Amidst revelations that he "dropped the ball on the legacy" while at Cannes promoting a sequel to one of the most revered films of the 1980s from a legendary director (ruh, roh Raggy...could he have pooped on TWO classic film icons in just a few years?) came more interesting info, like how Harrison Ford kind of felt the movie sucked too. He also mentions that papa Spielberg, to whom LaBeouf owes everything as it was Stevie who ensured that LaBeouf didn't end up a child-star-meth-addict (a move I now call "Pulling a Sweetin"), is gonna be pissed about him breaking the family trust on this one. Yes, if it weren't for Shia LaBeouf mentioning it, no one would have thought that Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was anything other than cinematic perfection. On the one hand, this admission makes me like LaBeouf even more. He even tries to take the rap for not pulling off that infamous monkey scene (Paul Newman couldn't have pulled off that scene if Daniel Day Lewis played one of those monkeys, just to be clear Shia). On the other hand, shut up LaBeouf, this ain't about you. Let's not take the eyes off the prize here. This is about Spielberg and Lucas...mostly just Lucas. This is about the fact that your character existed at all. This is about the goofy-ass missteps and general half-assedness of the entire final sequence of the film. Now, having been one of the few who actually didn't really mind good chunks of that now near universally loathed flick, I'll tell you that the shortcomings of the film are almost all Lucas's fault (and Spielberg by association). This isn't just another case of piling on the throat-bearded douche again, this is about making sure that we don't let a few comments change our assignment of blame. LaBeouf didn't write "cut to shot of gopher" in the script and he didn't go out and shoot that. What sucked did so because Lucas was struck by douche lightning and is now a supervillain. Now there's a quote I'd love to see get picked up by other media.

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Super 8 campaign is super great

Yes, I know the title of this post is cheesy, but it's a water-logged Monday here in Omaha and it is durn hard to wake up when it's this gray out. About a week ago, I caught Cloverfield on some movie station on our digital cable (I have long ago stopped trying to figure out the names of the movie stations, because their call-sign on the guide screen is some weird collection of letters that are supposed to form some kind of clever abbreviation but just leave me as confused as Tracy Jordan's license plate in "30 Rock": ICU81MI). Like any technologically inclined dude, I instantly posted my reaction on twitter and facebook to having rewatched this flick. It was some reasonable, even-handed comment about how I loved Cloverfield and anyone who hated on it for no reason was an ass-faced ass face who should lay down in traffic. Ah, the internet and what it's done to my discourse. Anyhoodle, lots of people instantly jumped in and started agreeing with me, a few of them even pointing out that they had almost as much fun with the viral marketing for the movie as they did with the movie itself. I agree. The mystery that surrounded the movie resulted in a great experience all around for me, even if some angry trolls felt like they were built up too much with hype to enjoy the final product. Those people make me laugh because they act like hype is some chemical they get rufied with that makes them unable to tell whether or not they think something is good on its own merits. I am really getting off track today. The point is this:

Super 8, the new super-secret movie that JJ Abrams is directing for producer Steven Spielberg, has started its viral campaign already. What we have here is a movie that is definitely about aliens (the trailer's opening text mentions Area 51), specifically some kind of terrifying creature. The movie's title, although it could refer to any number of things, likely refers to the handheld cameras used in the 1970s that ran on Super 8 film. I say this is likely because the last shot in the trailer cuts to Super 8 footage. So when you add up the secret movie with viral marketing about an alien creature who is going to be captured on handheld video, you can see why this clearly has nothing to do with Cloverfield, a super-secret movie with viral marketing about a creature captured on handheld video. Wait, what? That's what JJ Abrams swears. He swears that this is NOT related to that previous movie despite all appearances to the contrary. I don't know why he would swear that. Sure, it may be true, but at this point, that only leads me to believe that this is a terribly unoriginal idea, as it seems to be pretty damn close to something his production company has already done. I'm still pumped, but you can see why this is weird.

None of this is the point of this post. So congratulations if you've read through my crap long enough to get to this point. The "game" or viral marketing campaign around Super 8 kicked off in awesome fashion, and you can read all about it at Super8News.com. So far, it's not a whole lot, but what there is sounds rad, including buried letters in the trailer that spelled out "scariest thing I ever saw," which resulted in finding a web site that has a countdown timer on it to May 15. The speculation is that's when the official trailer will be released online, but I hope it's something cooler than that. As with the totally and obviously unrelated Cloverfield marketing, there are two ways to play along with this campaign. You can actively get in there and chase down clues...or you can do what I do and check in on Super8News every few days and see what they've got going. I am excited all the way around on this one, even if I feel like I'm being lied to by Abrams...again. I just watched Star Trek again last night and I'm geeked for "Lost" tomorrow, so I'm guessing if Abrams had a project called "Stick Your Finger in this Electric Socket," I'd be walking around with sparks coming out of my butt for a month.

Guess who's back? Back again?

I won't bore you with details. Blogger made some changes, yadda yadda yadda, my blog got yanked into the void of entropy and nothingness that usually accompanies minor technological changes. Thankfully, the gang at the Reader rallied around the one living soul who seemed to have a handle on it (go Stephen!), and we're back up and running again. Okay, fine, we're back up and doing that funny-looking, half-run, half-walk thing that old people do in malls where their hands work harder than their legs. Point is, it wasn't my fault, so don't be mad.

Let's get kick started as we are prone to do after we get cyber cock-blocked, with a little recap dance, which is nowhere as fun as the Rerun dance, which I still can't do. This is going to be epic and fast, so grab whatever parts of you that you don't want flopping about, here goes:

1.) May the fourth be with you - Yep, it's Star Wars day, which is sort of like Christmas, only instead of anxiously awaiting the arrival of a fat bearded guy and the presents he brings, we all kind of get pissed at a fat bearded guy for all the poop he delivered recently. Still, you know what's not poop? This original Empire Strikes Back trailer with Harrison Ford doing a cool voiceover. You're welcome, nerds.



2.) Also, people will bitch about the "Lost" finale - In case you were worried, that headline was actually just a joke about the inevitability of certain outcomes...like, say, the fact that Batman 3 got a release date. July 20th 2012, we will all be packed into theaters like sardines waiting for Christian Bale and his "I heart gargling razors" voice inside a full S&M body suit yelling at some ridiculously dressed supervillain in a movie some people will still call "realistic." Yeah, Kick Ass guaranteed I'm never using that word to describe a superhero movie ever again.

3.) Tommy Lee Jones to play gruff guy? No flippin' way!! - "Sources" told UGO that Tommy Lee Jones may be cast in Captain America. It's not for the villain role, which we all know went to Hugo Weaver, which pretty much only leaves Jones playing some kind of general during World War II. I know, shocker. I hope he can dig down and find the range needed to gruffly bark out orders, as that's going to be a real stretch for him. Maybe we're wrong, maybe he's going to play Dum-Dum Dugan, one of the "Howling Commandos" who used to hang around with Nick Fury, back when he was white (this column is filled with inside jokes and nerd moments today, if you don't get them, just keep moving, I promise to do better). Although the Commandos are confirmed in the movie, my guess is that Jones will be playing someone more generic. Here's hoping he gets to tell Chris Evans where to look for the Red Skull...like in every outhouse, dog house, yadda yadda yadda...

4.) Please let Iceman get shivved in the tummy! - Matthew Vaughn was supposed to direct the third X-Men movie. Instead, Brett Ratner did. Awesome switch. It's like the time I was going to eat a steak and instead I became a cannibal. Now Vaughn is getting a do-over, as he's the top choice to direct X-Men: First Class, which is kind of a do-over of the whole X-Men universe, on account of the rest of the franchise getting Ratner-ed. We're going to get Iceman, Marvel Girl, Cyclops, and more (I'm guessing Wolverine somehow) as they first learn to fight alongside Professor X. Until Vaughn's involvement, I was as turned off by this as I am by Donald Trump in booty shorts. But now...I think this movie just got interesting.

5.) Look upon this image and despair - This is a real person (Hank Azaria) who agreed to look like this:
He's playing Gargamel in The Smurfs, also he'd like to remind you that it puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again. Have fun at the kids movie, children! Hope you enjoy the next few decades of sleepless nights and therapy!

6.) Sylvester Stallone says no more Rambo - Well, to be fair, when he said it, it sounded like "deres no bore Rambode" but you get the idea. This is non-news, but whenever a franchise this terrible dies, a baby kitten is born with the wings of an angel and the tail of a dragon. Pretty cool, huh?

7.) Exactly what in the Zoolander 2 budget is costly? - For the second time in the last few days, Paramount has shown a disregard for earning money. After passing on Anchorman 2 for monetary reasons, the studio has said the budget of Zoolander 2 is too high, so they killed that too. Supposedly, the studio wants the budget under $50 million, even though they know it will make a buttload more than that. Look, I'll say it again, how we live in a world with not one, not two, but three Step Up movies and only one Anchorman and Zoolander movie defies my certainty that the Mayan apocalypse is not coming. Maybe we deserve it?

8.) Just don't let Cube produce it or it will be G-rated - They're finally making an N.W.A. biopic. Sure, it's being written by the gal who wrote the abomination that was World Trade Center (which I STILL can't believe Oliver Stone directed), but at least we'll get a wicked soundtrack. The film, Straight Outta Compton, will likely be mediocre, but if they do that inevitable cover CD well...I'm so going to be pleased. Also, sometimes when I watch Cube do a Disney kids movie and then see Dre doing a Dr. Pepper commercial, I think of writing a movie in which I build a time machine and go back to see these guys during the N.W.A. days and tell them what their lives will be in 2 decades. Then they beat the crap out of me. Deservedly.

9.) Steven Spielberg loves a horse...just not like that - Stevie is going to return to war. This time, World War I...and this time with a horse. Based off a touching book, this a-boy-and-his-horse-in-a-war movie will be Spielberg's next project, despite the billion others he was originally going to do. Supposedly, he's going to get this out really, really fast. This is good news for my wife, who will literally watch any horse movie out there. Seriously. We watched Flicka with Tim McGraw. On purpose.

10.) Ghostbusters III and lying liars - Bill Murray says "Ghostbusters 3 is a myth." Dan Ackroyd says "Look for it in 2011." Iven Reitman says "Look for it in 2012." Once again, there's a reason we like Venkman the best. I believe that the last two think they're telling the truth. I also believe that they think they're the ones we want to see back busting ghosts.

That's my quick catch-up! Not too shabby, if I do say so myself!

Ryan's Junk Drawer

Somehow we managed to once more stave off the apocalypse and reach Thursday. You may be thinking, "But Ryan, Thursday isn't Friday, and everybody knows Fridays are the best. There's no restaurant called 'Thank God It's Thursday (TGIT).' What's so special about Thursdays, doofus?" Well, for starters, I think TGIT sounds dirty, so you're a pervert. Second, Thursdays have the highest number of quality TV shows. As evident by this:

Third, it's the day you get to see my junk. Oh yeah, that's right baby. You get to see all of my junk. And of course by junk I mean movie tidbits that didn't warrant their own post (again, what were you thinking, pervert?). Before we peek in MY junk drawer, we always begin by taking a look at the creepy-ass illustration of the junk drawer above (taken from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN) and pick one item from said image to make up a backstory about. Today's item is the pink square in the upper left corner between the thread and the coin. Magdelena's husband, a total asshole, had collected stamps his whole life. In fact, it was the only thing he enjoyed doing besides acting like a total dillweed. When he wasn't singing karaoke Miley Cyrus songs, watching Twilight movies, or misusing the word literally, this douchebag loved nothing more than finding certain stamps. Too sweet to ever directly confront her clownshoes husband, Magdelena did the only thing she could do: She spent her life savings and purchased the rarest stamp in all of creation, the 1920s-era "Why would we worry, everything is going to be great economically forever" stamp. She then took the only stamp her husband needed to finish his collection and hid it in her junk drawer. One day...one day soon, she will present it in front of him, and use it to send in her fan letter to Boy George. Suck on that, tool!

Okay, enough of the nonsense, let's get to the amusing and entertaining junk!

1.) If the muppets make something, I post it - Of the few dictums that guide my life, this one is the easiest: I'm going to watch whatever the muppets do and probably try to force you to do the same. It's the reason God put me on this earth. We have two muppety nuggets of goodness this week, both are related to the phenomenal "Bohemian Rhapsody" cover my fuzzy, permanently sodomized friends did a few months back. The first video is Animal calling his "mama" to let her know that their video got a Webby nomination. Webbys are like Emmys, only nobody cares about them. So....they're exactly like Emmys.


This second video is the actual Bohemian Rhapsody cover...with Kermit's commentary. If you thought it couldn't get better, you were wrong.

Expect my nonstop muppet love to only increase as their next feature film gets closer to reality. You've been warned.

2.) The only Twilight movie that interests me gets a director - As we've discussed here many times, even wretched things can have some interesting facet. From the creepy guy who sits in the back of class mumbling what sounds like demonic incantations (but who does really great drawings of puppies) to the girl whose laugh sounds like she ingested a water buffalo (but can rebuild a car engine with her eyes closed inside of five seconds), there can be a nugget of wonderful in everyone and everything. What I'm saying is, I'm going to get excited for Breaking Dawn, the final movie (or movies, nobody is clear on that yet) of the Twilight torture. Again, this is not because it's going to be good. It can't be. It's because I cannot wait to see how they're going to do some of the hallucinogenic, batshit insane sequences that I'm told are in the book on the big screen. The best part is, most of these wacky shenanigans are tied directly to huge plot events, so you can't really not do them. Seriously people, if these things are weird enough to make me WANT to see one of these godforsaken movies, you know they have to be WEEEEEIIIIIRRRRD. The news is this: According to EW, Bill Condon is going to direct Breaking Dawn. Condon did Dreamgirls (meh) and Gods and Monsters (YAY!) and is generally seen as a good director that people respect. Sorry, he WAS generally seen as a good director that people respect. Now he's the guy who sold out for Twilight. Don't let that get you down, Bill! You just get to making the craziest thing that I've ever heard presented to teenagers!

3.) Magic 8-Ball finally gets its day in the sun - The craze over boardgames-turned-movies defies logic and good taste. And it's only getting worse. Battleship, Ouija, and Monopoly are all happening, really happening. Over at Vulture, the news gets worse: The Magic 8-Ball is going to get a movie. There is literally no way in which this can be made into something entertaining. I don't care if you resurrect Alfred Hitchcock and Stanley Kubrick to team up with one another. Okay, I care and would totally watch that, but those guys are dead and you're no necromancer. Thus, the chances of this being anything other than a crime against humanity are slight at best. You know what I'd do? I'd make this Sandra Bullock's comeback project. It seems like she was following its advice anyway when she chose to marry the homophobic neo-nazi who bangs bags of silicon with people attached to them. Plus, I'm pretty sure her manager has been a Magic 8 Ball this whole time. It just got lucky with The Blind Side.

4.) The best team up since Spider-man/Man-thing - Vulture has some better news though. They say that JJ Abrams is teaming up with Steven Spielberg. Wow. That's really crazy good news! Abrams is primed to be the Spielberg of this generation, I feel, delivering mass crowd pleasers with true skill and heart. Supposedly, Abrams is teasing that his new secret project is going to be a collaboration with Spielberg and is very reminiscent of Stevie's projects from the 80s and 90s (please don't mean Hook, please don't mean Hook). Someone has also described it as "the anti-Avatar," which I can only assume means it will have an original script and not be directed by someone who is investing vast resources in cloning himself for the purposes of making out with it. More on this exciting movie pairing as it becomes available.

5.) Trailers, parked - We've got horses, horror, and horrible acting this week. Wowza!

First up is Secretariat, a movie my wife wants to see so bad she was almost late for work watching this. It's basically Seabiscuit 2, but I'm good with that. What? I like feel-good stories, and John Malkovich is in it.



If campy is more your thing, check out Piranha 3D. The franchise gave birth to Jim Cameron, and this somehow feels kind of fun. I'm sure it's going to fall short of the entertainment it could provide, but if it gets close, I'm going to love it.


Finally, it must be done: Here's the Twilight Eclipse trailer. Mind you, they can't show you all of the film BECAUSE THEY'RE STILL DOING RESHOOTS. That's not a good sign. Then again, what did y'all expect. It's more of the same. Again, all of this only serves to set up the insanity of the final chapter. You have no idea.


That's my junk for this week. Back atcha tomorrow for Friday, yo.

Idle Speilbergian hands...

There's two ways this can go: Either the news that Steven Spielberg has left the abomination that would have been the remake of Harvey (thus leaving him currently projectless) means that he will finally tackle something he's wanted to tackle for awhile (a spiritual sequel to Close Encounters? His Abraham Lincoln movie?) or we're going to get another Indiana Jones movie. Really, nobody has a clue what the guy's doing next, which is potentially crazy, given the fact that the dude stacks projects upon projects like drunk stack beer-amids. The problem with future Indy movies isn't scripting, we all know they claim to wait for "the right idea" or "the right script" but anyone who's seen George Lucas write knows that he's basically just finger painting with random bad ideas. With this giant, gaping hole in Speilberg's production schedule, and with Harrison Ford scheduled for his prune enema next year, I'm guessing this would be one of those few "strike while the iron is hot" moments that the film could come together. Oh, it most likely won't (to the pleasure and joy of many), but it could...in fact, if not now, I don't know when. Also, I'd like to point out that it's been at least three weeks since the last rumors I heard about Indy 5, so if this could be a start point for more rampant speculation and baseless lies, I'd really appreciate it. Things get so boring without it.

Steven and Stephan UNITE!

Setting aside what can only be assumed to be decades of brutal discussion about the proper phonetics behind their first names, Variety is reporting that Steven Spielberg and Stephen King have realized they must do what's best for the universe...and make a shitty miniseries that sounds like a mash-up between The Simpsons movie and "The Shining." I wasn't terribly interested in reading "Under the Dome," King's latest which involves a giant invisible force field deployed around a town, but now that Spielberg is on board to produce a miniseries for HBO...I'll probably just watch that instead of reading the book. It's an easy way to get hours of my life back...hours I will likely spend watching or doing something else terrible (eg, Day After Tomorrow on FX showing again). Apparently, there's an inevitable warring between two factions of town folk in the book, which is the only interesting thing to me...not because we haven't seen it before but because I like to fantasize about who of the people I know would flock to the opposite side, thus giving me a chance to skewer them on a pitchfork in postapocalyptic survival warfare. What? You guys don't think about that stuff? Well, you should. I mean, really, YOU should. Pitchfork's a'comin'.

Old (Dead) Boy

We come here today not to praise the potential Steven Spielberg/Will Smith adaptation of the Manga-turned-movie Old Boy, but to bury it. Latino Review, which is a bad-ass movie site even for gringos, is reporting that the project is deader than my insides after watching a "King of Queens" marathon. Supposedly, this has something to do with contract negotiations, but I'd like to believe that the conversation went a little something like this:

Will Smith: "Steven, I just finished watching Old Boy. We ain't doin' this."
Steven Spielberg: "We can change the ending."
Will Smith: "To what?"
Steven Spielberg: "Everybody hugs with the music swelling and some warm lighting? It turns out everything is okay? We'll add a precocious kid!"
Will Smith: "The only things I really took away from the movie were that cool scene where he beats a bunch of guys with some tools, which I'm down with...maybe we can add a few one liners like 'You got hammered,' and that ending, which I am very, very, very much not down with. I just had to take seven showers in my diamond-encrusted, gold-plated upstairs bathroom."
Steven Spielberg: "What if in our version you get the girl?"
Will Smith: "Ewwwwwwwww. You are not listening, Steven."
Steven Spielberg: "What if we make it a comedy? You know, and play the twist up for laughs."
Will Smith: "I'd make Men in Black III, Bad Boys III, and Hancock 2 before making this sick movie."
Steven Spielberg: "Okay, last pitch: These aliens come down...Will? Will? Somebody get me Nicholas Cage on the phone, he'll do anything."

Yes, I want another Indiana Jones movie

Okay, there, I said it. You know why I want another Indiana Jones movie? Because I like Indiana Jones. So sue me. I liked the last movie (didn't totally go nutso for it, but really did enjoy myself...nuking the fridge aside). More than that, I want the series to go out on a high note. We nerds need a win. After the Star Wars franchise has been dragged through more mud than a Louisiana swamp, after the constant remakes and reimaginings and reboots and whatnot, after the Internet has turned all of us (me included) into drooling hate mongers who want to do nothing but chirp and deride, it's time we had something from our past that we love turn out good. Yes, there's this problem to deal with:



Yes, there's the fact that they are using George Lucas as the primary story writer still. Yes, there are hurdles to be climbed, but dammit I want to believe again! I mention this because last weekend Harrison Ford and Karen Allen both independently noted that the fifth film was moving forward. They had cracked the "Macguffin" (or irrelevant artifact) that they will be searching for, and the scriptwriting was happening. I'm going to hold out hope. I am! Against all odds and evidence, against the title waves of people saying "oh, God, the last one sucked," I'm going to be the lone voice of optimism. There it is folks, there's what sets this little blog apart: This is the place that's stupidly excited about the next Indiana Jones movie in the face of all evidence to the contrary.

Start your suicide-planning parties now!

Well, humanity had a good run, didn't we? I mean, sure there was a few acts of genocide, an occasional hate crime, and the entirety of AM radio to apologize for, but we also produced some great moments, like the opening frames of Lost in Translation. So sad it had to end like this. You see, Michael Bay has said he's meeting later this week with Steven Spielberg and screenwriter Ehren Kruger to discuss "ideas" for Transformers 3 (I should hurry up and copyright a robot with a turban called "Sandy Pete" who only yells "CYBER-JIHAD"). They're discussing whether the end-date for humanity...I MEAN the release date for T3: Robo-nut-kick will hit in 2011 or 2012 (FYI: The Mayans predict 2012). Screenwriters Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci are "busy," which is good because they can occasionally make me happy (like with "Alias" and Star Trek) and can occasionally make me want to punch them in their stupid, rich faces. Before Bay sodomizes our eye sockets with T3, he's likely to do Pain and Gain, a film about a couple of steroid-abusing bodybuilders who fall in with organized crime. However, there's also a chance that Bad Boys 3 may sneak in before T3. So, the order may be Pain & Gain, T3, Bad Boys 3 or Bad Boys 3, T3, Pain & Gain. Actually, the order is really (fill in the blank), T3, end-of-humanity. There is a silver lining though, given the fighting in the press, there's a chance Megan Fox won't be asked back!



Oh, stop being such a drama queen, Megan. It's not that bad.



Seriously, you have that really crappy looking Diablo Cody horror movie coming out, isn't that something?



Okay, fine. But you know what, I like you best when you're covering your mouth as tight as possible. Also, I totally see your toe thumbs.

One last note, if the production looks like this:



I'm totally there.

Yes, but would a Spielberg pirate movie be rated ARRRRRGGGH?!

Ah, pirate humor, is there no ill you can't cure with your scurvy-ridden, syphilitic charm? Michael Crichton, who was an average novelist and (if you read some of the crazier stories) a total douchehammer, had written an unpublished novel about pirates before he passed away. As you may know, pirates are now only slightly less bankable than nubile actresses with a penchant for sex tapes. It should come as no surprise then that, according to USA Today (yes that paper still exists), this book:



is gonna be a movie, potentially directed by Steven Spielberg but definitely produced by him. I would like to point out that this was Crichton's second choice for a title, the first being "Scallywag Longitude," which I think we all would have appreciated a bit more. I should also point out that the synopsis, which I could barely make it through, reveals that the plot is set in the Caribbean and involves some measure of "adventure." Okay, I skimmed it, I honestly couldn't get through it. This really just brings me to an excellent question nobody asks: How is it that these artists of all kinds have "unpublished materials" when they die? I'm fully alive and I can't bring myself to finish a novel. If I had a novel finished, I would release it unless something stopped me. The only way I have an "unfinished novel" is if you find it in my hands when I die on the way to try to publish it. All of this (the pirate adaptation, not the dying stuff) is good news for Speilberg who has wanted to do his own pirate movie (supposedly) since I'm guessing Hook instilled in him the desire. So help me Jeebus if one of those pirates says "Bangarang" I'm going to laugh until I pop a kidney.