Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Jessica Alba joins stupid franchise, I mock her

Variety is reporting that Jessica Alba, she of nonexistent talent, is going to star in the next Meet the Parents sequel, tentatively titled The Little Fokker. So, on the one hand, at least it's something I don't care about she will ruin next. On the other, I'm bored and it's a slow news week, so that means, I now give to you......

25 Jobs Jessica Alba Should Have

1.) Mime on fire
2.) Murderer-suicider who kills Megan Fox in a tragic, double-naked, live broadcast
3.) Spoiled food tester
4.) Living tongue donor
5.) Shark speed assessor
6.) Garbage disposal jam remover
7.) St. Louis Cardinal second baseman
8.) Movie critic assigned only Jessica Alba movies
9.) Experimental mermaid-tail-graft plastic surgery test subject
10.) Speed bump
11.) Person who has to tell Tyler Perry he's overexposed
12.) Scientology nun (Scientolonun?)
13.) Final ingredient in best cannibal soup EVER
14.) High-school sex-ed teacher
15.) Post-graduate sex-ed teacher
16.) Sex-ed teacher who specializes in people who play World of Warcraft
17.) Coat rack
18.) Topless ninja
19.) Chair
20.) Getter of whatever thing it is you forgot in your car on the cold, cold night
21.) Pillow
22.) Replacement for Jay Leno
23.) Tester of injection that may or may not give superhuman abilities
24.) Proofreader of Stephanie Meyer first drafts
25.) Former actress

Heyooooooo. What zingers! God this is a slow week. I'll be back later (maybe) with a Zombieland review (it was good). If not, catch you tomorrow.

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